Not Sure I Can Go On Like This

I have been married for almost 30 years and sex has always been a bit of a problem.  I have never  been unfaithful, I do love my husband.  However we are at a crisis point - both daughters have left home and both have great partners who cherish them and I am so lonely.  I have been crying all evening after a massive row.  Basically I have been waiting all weekend for him to initiate some intimacy after we had a fairly civilised discussion a couple of days ago about how I just craved some physical closeness.  He spent all afternoon at the golf club and I was on my own.  When he came in I was upset and got angry and he responded with really hurtful remarks about how I have let myself go and he does not feel attracted to me.  He then went on to say he respects me, admires me and feels loyalty.  I feel devastated.  I have put on a little weight recently - menopausal changes - and this has been making me feel less confident - I now do not want to go out to work tomorrow.  I thought he loved me for who I am not what I look like.  How can I survive this ?  I cannot believe that after 30 years I could be so hurt but I am....

bridied bridied
51-55
2 Responses Mar 22, 2009

I am so sorry that happened to you. Sometimes things that are hurtful can be turned on their heels and used as motivation. It's sad that he said such hurtful things, but it is good that you may now be motivated to not let *anyone* - even your husband - get to you in that way, Maybe start doing some things just for yourself, to make yourself happy, to make you feel better about yourself. The irony is that the self-confidence you will develop will make you more attractive to your husband, but you will know not to live and die by how he feels about you. Good luck!

i really sympathise with you, especially now that your daughters have left home, leaving you feeling more alone. <br />
i know you are probably now blaming yourself and feeling very undesirable after your husbands hurtful remarks. however, a little bit of extra weight should not make him feel this way about you. it really sounds to me like he is comparing you with some standard he has in his mind. what is this standard? is he looking at **** behind your back? is he comparing you to someone else? (however,these are just random guesses that may not be the case at all). my therapist once told me that every man expends his sexual energy in some way. if he is not using it with you, then you have to ask yourself: WHERE IS IT GOING? finding out the answer to this question could perhaps help you to find out the REAL reason behind his lack of desire. blaming you and shifting the guilt onto you is the easy way out for him.<br />
as for feeling undesirable and unattractive, i just want to say that a man can make you feel like this no matter how well you look after yourself. i have also put on a bit of weight, but i am still in the normal wieght range and my friends always tell me i am beautiful. but i feel so ugly and repulsive in my marriage. after i found out that my husband has been watching p*** behind my back all this time, i have come to realise that i can never compete with those images. this is my point: if your husband is comparing you to someone else or p***, you will never be "good enough". no woman can live up to that. and she shouldn't be expected to. <br />
don't beat yourself up when it's him who has the problem! <br />
anyway, i hope that i haven't been too forward. the advice i have given you, i am struggling to take myself! it is really difficult to stop feeling sorry for myself and put the blame where it really belongs!<br />
good luck!