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I Just Feel Lonely.

I am in my late 20's and have been married for 3 years.  We have been together for 8 years, and for the first 5 our sex life was good, even if filled with the normal occasional issues that do come up in any relationship.  They were always temporary, normally related to being on different schedules.  Once we were married things began shifting, and by the end of the first year we had stopped having sex.  We had sex 3 times in the second year, and maybe 3 times this last year.  I bring it up and he apologizes, stating that he just doesn't have a sex drive any more, assuring me that he finds me attractive and loves me.  If it was just the sex I might be more assured, but there is no affection whatsoever.  He claims he just isn't "that kind of guy", and I try to remind him that he once was.  I think it would be easy to walk away if he was nasty or abusive, but he is generally kind. 

I just feel lonely all the time now.  With no affection and no physical contact I feel unloved, like I have a roomate.  He doesn't want to spend time with me and doesn't want to touch me.  He doesn't want to talk to me after work, claiming he talks all day, so he just wants to relax and sit quietly.  He is a nice guy though.  He is kind, funny, supportive, and generally a good guy.  He is also the only family I have.  I have gone through the same things all of you have, losing weight, trying to be "sexier" for him, but nothing I do seems to help.  It's embarassing to talk about - I try to believe that I'm an attractive person,  and I don't know why my husband doesn't want me anymore.  He keeps reassuring me that he loves me and finds me sexy and interesting, but it's becoming harder and harder to believe him.  Even the times we have sex are only after we fight about never having it. 

I just feel so disconnected and lonely.  But is it ridiculous to believe that passion and romance can exist along with good companionship?  I think (and so does he sometimes) that I'm looking for the fairytale.  I just feel like it's ok sometimes to want that.  I think of leaving,  and we have talked about seperating (he was right on board) but it scares me that he may be the best thing for me.  Practical and secure has it's benefits.  I just wish I wasn't so damn lonely at the same time.

Dakotagirl Dakotagirl 26-30 21 Responses May 16, 2009

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Mmm... leave now before You regret what you are missing!! No one, no person has the right to take another's happiness away, I believe me... that's what is happening!! Leave & don't look back... EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This reads as if I have written it. I was browsing the internet to know how to deal with loneliness in a marriage. Its the same with me. He says he loves me, he is still attracted to me. We have a baby together. But I just feel lonely. I completely feel what you said about looking for the fairytale. He even told me once that I live in a happy bubble if I think marriages can be perfect. I am not the kind who would cheat just for physical satisfaction. I still love him. I hope things will be ok for us ladies soon.

You have to say you will leave , if you stay you are enabling him and accepting the relationship as it is. nI f he thinks you are going to leave he will do what is required

I was in this type of marriage before. No affection, no sex, no talking. Turns out my husband, now my ex husband, is an alcoholic and was cheating on me. So between the two, he had nothing left to give me. It was extremely hard, but I'm much better for it now that I've gotten out of that relationship. I have a fiancé and a four month old baby. You have to be strong & really figure out what you want, what you deserve, and if you can truly live in your current situation. Good luck!

I too was not active before marriage. Once I was pregant with my first within 3 months of marriage, I took ill. Then excuses for no sex climb in. Went abroad to give birth on return, no physical contact or sex. After all, with God on my side with sex once in six months, I was pregant when my daughter was 11 months but had a miscarriage; then he refused to sleep with me. He slept in the palour and kept on being busy. Then after a visit by my Sister-in-law had a chat with him and insisted that we slept in the same room over the period of her stay of two weeks. We had sex thrice which result in me getting pregant. He was not too delighted, delivered a baby boy 2y 7mths after my first. While away, I learnt he had an affair. Things got ugly but I stood my ground, he kept on being in denial. However, since that time over the last five years, we have not had sex for about only a dozen times. In the last fifteen months, no sex at all then to top it, in the last two months work has seperated us. We hardly do anything together. All is because of the children.

I can't believe what I'm reading. I honestly thought I was the only one experiencing this. I want to leave, but have a young child together. I feel trapped, confused, and unwanted. And I know for a fact I'm attractive. I get attention all the time. What should I do?

Really surprised to hear so many unhappy married people, but I too am one of them. I have never felt so alone and married to someone at the same time. No sex, no closeness, actually feels as if there is no love there any more. He is a great guy, but the attention thing has stopped. I feel unsexy, unloved, and unwanted,unappreciated and a million other feelings.
It really hurts when my son tells me I was happier years ago, and friends tell me I deserve so much better, and not the treatment I am getting...or lack of, is not fair to me. My friends still call but have really stopped coming over because they hate seeing me so unhappy. When at work and I get attention I eat it up, because I don't get it at home. I have never cheated nor do I plane to start, and I hope this isnt what is going on with him. I just don't understand what the (@#(!&) happened...How can you go from being loved and close to soooooo far apart?

I have been watching my relationship slide in this direction. I've been married for 10 years and we have a 1 year old. I should point out that I had to deal with fertility treatments and a difficult pregnancy, so sex has been rough over the last 2 years. Yet the decline in our sex life has been progressing over the last 5 years or so. It's also frustrating since we used to screw like rabbits.<br />
<br />
Over the last few years I've been watching our relationship dwindle into a scheduled routine. It honestly feels like we are just going through the motions. When I try I bring it up - it devolves into a back and forth about who's fault it is and what I've done to contribute to the problem. The bottom line is I miss affection. He doesn't hold my hand any more. He doesn't show any enthusiasm for doing stuff with me. Although he denies that. And when he does do things it feels like he is going through the motions. Anyway i am just rambling. I saw this post and I had to respond because so much of it resonates with what I'm dealing with.

Sounds like my marriage, exactly like it in fact. Married for 5 years, sex-life gone downhill over the last year or two due to tiredness mainly from long working days. I'm the husband though, wife feels lonely & unhappy, has no supportive family from either side. The kids & I are the only family she relly has and it doesn't seem to be enough. She longs for close knit family but that will never happen until our folks have kicked it and we're the parents/grandparents making damn sure we're there for the kids so they don't feel like my wife does. Still, thats way off though & doesn't address her loneliness she feels now. I have no idea how to tackle it because whatever I do it's never enough or just wrong. And the way she vents her frustration is very negative which makes feel awkward or want to run away or angry. It doesn't make me feel like I want to hug her in those moments when that's exactly what I should be doing. For me, every day is a new day, that's how I get through life which she hates because for her, every day is a depressing continuation of the previous one. I'm out of answers on this one. I wonder if your hubbies felt the same?

I am right where you are - I understand your frustration, hurt and pain...I've only been married 8 months and we were not sexually active with each other prior to marriage (for religious reasons) and i THINK we've been intimate 5 times since we've been married. He has also told me twice that he is not really attracted me...and then he wonders why i walk around angry and miserable. I've done everything tried to lose weight, changed my looks and nothing worked. I feel horrible and I know im fine as wine lol - im just angry that i've allowed someone to devalue me.<br />
In front of people we look like the perfect couple...he can quote a sc<x>ripture in a single bound...but he seems to miss it when God talks about "his body belonging to his wife" <br />
Im over my marriage, finished trying to make this work...I shouldnt have to beg someone to hold me, kiss me, or have sex w/ me...I was gettin more cheeks when i was single! Ugh..I'm done venting...praying for you sis...do what is in your heart...time to make your self happy...put you first!

I too was not active before marriage. Once I was pregant with my first within 3 months of marriage, I took ill. Then excuses for no sex climb in. Went abroad to give birth on return, no physical contact or sex. After all, with God on my side with sex once in six months, I was pregant when my daughter was 11 months but had a miscarriage; then he refused to sleep with me. He slept in the palour and kept on being busy. Then after a visit by my Sister-in-law had a chat with him and insisted that we slept in the same room over the period of her stay of two weeks. We had sex thrice which result in me getting pregant. He was not too delighted, delivered a baby boy 2y 7mths after my first. While away, I learnt he had an affair. Things got ugly but I stood my ground, he kept on being in denial. However, since that time over the last five years, we have not had sex for about only a dozen times. In the last fifteen months, no sex at all then to top it, in the last two months work has seperated us. We hardly do anything together. All is because of the children.

TIe up your running shoes ladies! You are all valuable beautiful and clearly emotionally intuitive women! I have a lump in my throat reading all of these! If your guy can't get over his pride and seek answers for himself about something that is causing the relationship with WONDERFUL YOU to falter, then you deserve someone who would. YOU WOULDN'T let him suffer this way. Don't kid yourself and live in denial. (That is what I'd love to say to you all and also hear from someone else) <br />
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Because I have been living the same way. Ladies, you know deep down this just isn't right. There are SO MANY causes for men to be sexually inactive and you know it doesn't always have to do with you. Men have just as many insecurities, but if you knew you had a problem wouldn't you want to fix it for him? Of course you would. You've tried. LOTS!<br />
<br />
We need change. Everyone loves being loved touched, romanced, enjoyed, giving and being given too. If our relationships lack communication, trust, respect, they will also lack sex, EVEN IF IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT WOMEN!!!! <br />
<br />
I live with a man I love but there are problems. I am going to give him an option. Save our love and our relationship as a couple and come to therapy with me or don't. And don't have me. Or have me and have **** and some intimacy problems, low labido, overweight body causing estrogen levels to rise in men, stress, lack of time/communication, etc etc etc etc etc!!!!!<br />
<br />
Deal with the problem, stop complaining. Get on with your life. All of us beautiful women deserve this from ourselves and who we chose as our partners. Come on Ladies. Lets do it together.

I know how you feel, I've been married 7years and believe me it has been hard work but it take two to make a marrage work so if he isn't putting forth the effort than it just a one way battle. He maybe a nice guy but he has to have family time to with where he and you sit down talk, play cards, take a bath together, go out just a day between just you two.

All you ladies sound and feel like my life. My husband will talk to me - say Good Morning all the normal stuff. We dated for 12 years before we got married! He has 1 son and I have a son and daughter. All the children are grown and never lived with us. We had a great sex life - it was always the greatest love making in my life. Around 3 years ago he shut down, just shut down.<br />
Every time I bring are sex life - or should I say lack of - I am pressering him. Of course he says<br />
It is not you, you are still sexy, I am 55 years old tired old man - Bull Dinkie!!!<br />
I am 50 and want my husband to love me the way he used to and should. Am I being selfless?<br />
I feel worthless, stupid and not sexy. I am lonely, crying and hopeless.

I know how you feel .. I too feel lonely and my self worth and image is in question.. yeah like all the other posts here he talks to me and we have a very good and compatable relationship, but when it comes to sex .. it is practally non existant.. and he has more excuses that anyone I know.. his head hurts his back hurts his knees hurts he's tired and the best one honey I'm a old man (he's only 49) !!!! Give Me a Break!!!! I hope that things change soon, because all this is creating feelings of resentment toward him.. and I don't like feeling like that.!!

hmmm... It seems that I am not alone ;)... Apart of the fact that your husbands at least talk with you and tells you and shows you (at least sometimes) about his affection towards you. Mine does not even bothers anymore.. He decided to build the brick walls up around him and his virtual word full of virtual friends.. and those so called friends became more important than me and the kids.. <br />
Living with a housemate who does not even say Good morning to you, just shows his grumpy face if you dare to enquire about his evening plans. Yes that's the proper definition of my marriage, and to be thruthful, it is pathetic! However it is hard to decide: should I leave him (my heart tells yes, as I am slowly going bonkers) and start it again fresh, or should I stay (at the end of the day, it is a financially secure relationship and mostly we the kids won't suffer from a broken family) as my mind tells me? Swear to God, the decision is so hard!

hmmm... It seems that I am not alone ;)... Apart of the fact that your husbands at least talk with you and tells you and shows you (at least sometimes) about his affection towards you. Mine does not even bothers anymore.. He decided to build the brick walls up around him and his virtual word full of virtual friends.. and those so called friends became more important than me and the kids.. <br />
Living with a housemate who does not even say Good morning to you, just shows his grumpy face if you dare to enquire about his evening plans. Yes that's the proper definition of my marriage, and to be thruthful, it is pathetic! However it is hard to decide: should I leave him (my heart tells yes, as I am slowly going bonkers) and start it again fresh, or should I stay (at the end of the day, it is a financially secure relationship and mostly we the kids won't suffer from a broken family) as my mind tells me? Swear to God, the decision is so hard!

OMG it's like you took the words right out fo my mouth!!! The only difference is that I don't dare bring up separating. I make the mistake of mentioning that a few years ago and he went wild with anger. I now have a 1 yr old and he seems to have no problem showing affection to him. I am 120lbs and not bad looking. My friends and family tell me that I can find somone else easily but I don't know....maybe we are living in a fantasy world to think that you can have it all: Love, Affection & Happiness?

I have read the posts and can say I feel the same way as everyone else. Lonely, angry, frustrated and deeply hurt.<br />
I am in a relationship with a "great" man; interesting, intelligent, sociable, popular and successful. We spend a lot of time together talking about world affairs, going to movies, eating out, socialising with friends but he will not have sex with me. He does however have Type 2 diabetes and is now unable to-unless he tries viagra. I say "tries" because he has had it by our bedside for 5 months now and will not attempt to use it. Even so, there are many weays to be intimate and loving and penatrative sex is only one way.<br />
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I went hunting about the place for any sign of infidelity and I think I have come to the bottom of it. 0900 sex lines have been called from our phone and his cell, sometimes $800 a months worth. He told me it was to help his diabetes as he can only get turned on a certain way....GIVE ME A BREAK! Since when were phone sex lines the diabetes-helpline???<br />
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I have read so much stuff about sex addiction and sexual anorexia and I am beginning to feel vindicated in my distrust of him and feelings of confusion and betrayal.<br />
<br />
He needs help, and I do too. I am going to a counsellor to change me, not him, in the hope that I will find the strength to either leave or accept that I am powerless over his addiction, but not powerless over how I react to it. He has promised for well over a year to get help and went to a few counsellors and said they werent good enough and has now left the idea in limbo. He only went because I threatened to leave.<br />
<br />
Sexual anorexia symptoms are so close to what I experience with my partner. Even when he drags himself to be slighlty sexy with me, his eyes are closed and he turns away, so cold and distant. It seems like he is ashamed, scared and disconnected.<br />
<br />
He had a violent father and alcoholic mother (both well respected professionals) who hid behind success and material wealth ( a bit like we do now).<br />
I can see things so clearly from an intellectual level, but am becoming unwell in my co-dependacy with the situation that I now feel addicted to his addiction...does that make sense? I am totally consumed about having no intimacy; snooping, sulking, raging and threatening consequences I dont have the strength to follow through on.<br />
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I know I am attractive, inside and out. I have experienced very fulfilling sexual relationships in the past and have never faced this level of denial in someone ever.<br />
<br />
I dont have advice for anyone really, but I will say NEVER EVER EVER blame yourself...You and I are worthy of a deep, loving and sexually fulfilling relationship.<br />
<br />
Peace and power to everyone of you lovely people.<br />
<br />
Claire

Thanks everyone. your support means a lot, and I'm trying to figure out if there is a way for us to find some common ground. I started seeing a therapist to try to sort through some of my feelings, and if he becomes willing to in the future (he's not now) maybe we will do some marriage counseling then. It's a lonely way to live, and I'm hoping that soon maybe I won't look to him to feel wanted, worthy. Maybe I can learn to value myself in a different way, and then I can decide if this is the right place for me. I really do appreicate all of your support and thoughts - it does mean a lot to be able to anonymously talk about this - feeling alone in it has been tough, and now at least that part is gone.

Hi Dakotagirl, I just joined the forum and don't have any answers, but I just wanted to say that I really relate to your feelings of living with a roommate without affection. It is lonely and depressing. And it really weighs heavily on one's feeling of worthiness. I plan to read through other stories and comments because I truly cannot understand why my husband has become this way and I really need to know. I wish you luck with your journey, and I hope you get that affection someday soon.

Well, I dont think you are alone feeling "lonely" I have a similar situation, and unlike you, I dont really crave that attention from my husband of 20 years, as we have seriously drifted apart, however I do feel terribly lonely<br />
to have a close relationship with a loving person who is capable of showing and receiving love. I sometimes feel<br />
jealous of people I dont even know holding hands, kissing etc because I miss that so much. I will say that I know more people in our situation than in bliss....I wish<br />
I could figure out what causes this, or how to fix it. For<br />
me, I try to keep busy and work on other important things in my life, like my two children and my job. Any <br />
thing positive that I can distract myself with seems to help. I guess you cannot change how someone else thinks, but you can change yourself. At some point what<br />
is meant to happen will happen. It helps to hear other<br />
people say what I am feeling.

Maaaaan, I can relate. Sounds like I'm 10 years older than you--I'm 39--but our stories are very similar. My husband is generally kind and sweet. He's great with our dog, calls me 10 times a day, tells me he loves me. We read together, watch movies, talk about work. But he will not have sex with me. I am in good shape and reasonably pretty, but I feel depressed and unattractive and unwanted and I am going crazy. We talk about separating too but he tells me he loves me, and I believe him and don't do anything major. I fear that I'll miss the companionship but my best girl friend (who was also in a sexless marriage) tells me that that's what friends are for--not husbands. I wish I had the magic formula for you--I'm still sort of afraid to leave too. But you are not alone. You are perfectly justified to feel the way you do. I hope that you get free someday soon. You sound smart, from your writing. He will not be the best you can get, trust me.