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A Mistake

How I wish I could go back just a few months and fix the biggest mistake of my life, to the day I said "I do". We have been married for just short few months, since April, but we've been together for over 6 years now. Things started to get bad since we moved in together, which was about 6 months into our relationship. Now, almost 6 years later, I have had enough.

When we met, I just came out of a traumatic relationship with a guy who was my first, and like my husband now, wasn't very interested in me. My husband and I were friends, he would tease and flirt with me, and then finally admitted that he actually was interested in me. We dated, and in the beginning, things were great. I felt wanted and adored. At that time, I actually had to fight him off. At that time, he made me a promise that he will always stay this affectionate and cuddly. What a big lie. Now, 6 years later, we go 3 to 5 weeks between doing it. That is also how long we go between him touching me. I used to initiate it, but I got rejected so much that I just cannot do it anymore. Now, all I get are a couple of hurried sloppy smooches. My body doesn't even respond to him anymore, and he notices and ******* and of course uses it to avoid touching me more. Last night I asked him what is it that he didn't like about my body so much that he almost never touches me. He said it was nothing and that if I was good and didn't fight with him, I might just score. For the rest of the night he petted my hair a few times, like you would with a little kid or a cat, and once we got home, I got nothing, of course, just a quick peck. He didn't even touch me. How typical.

I am realizing now, it's not me. I may not be a supermodel or a **** star, but I am not repulsive. While I am a tiny gal, I have curves some has envied. I have a tiny waist and long hair that I take pride in. My skin is pale, soft and smooth and begs to be touched. He says he loves my waist and my long hair and is always terrified then I go to get it trimmed as he likes it long. But neither my waist nor my hair get touched much.

But it is bigger than lack of sex now. It is lack of affection, it is lack of consideration, it is lack of caring. I am at the bottom at the priority list for him. Reading news, or ebooks or forums is more important for him. But he says it's for us... because he needs to learn how to take care and protect his wife. What he doesn't understand is that there will be no wife to take care of and protect. If I have to take care of my own needs, I'd rather do it alone, where at least I am somewhat closer to the top of priorities list and where I don't get yelled at, or put down and criticized. I lived like this with my mother for the first 26 years of my life and I will not leave for decades to come like this with my husband. I am realizing now I don't need him. I am realizing now that I would be better on my own, especially while we still don't have children or mortgage. I am realizing now that it is not me, the issue is him, but he is not willing to change it, and I will no longer believe his  empty promises.

TinyMouse TinyMouse 26-30, F 1 Response Sep 27, 2009

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I am truly sorry to read of your situation. It sounds like an absolute nightmare and something that would be completely unbearable for me. <br />
You seem to have made the effort to talk to your husband about these issues, a big first step that many couples never make. Truth be told, I am not qualified to give you any advice since I've never been married myself, but I can offer you my opinion...<br />
It's still early days in terms of your marriage and without children or a mortgage to consider you are already in less of a pickle.<br />
Before doing anything drastic though, do you think it might help if you let him read this very letter of yours? As difficult as that may be to do, it doesn't quite hit the note of an ultimatum whilst also being very sincere and it may just be the wake-up call that he needs. Just a thought.<br />
Alternatively, you should take a good hard look at your situation without allowing anger to affect your judgement. If, by weighing up the good against the bad, you conclude that you'd rather move on and be with someone who will cherish you, then NOW is a better time than any. Move on before it does become too late, but please do not do so without being entirely honest with your husband and letting him know exactly how you feel. <br />
It's obvious that you are hurting and I don't blame you at all. His comment about your "being good" and not fighting with him as a condition for allowing you to "score" would have been just as hurtful and cheap as his lack of affection toward you. I can only tell you what I would do, which is to get out of the relationship before you start believing that you are the problem and not him. I can only look at this from a male's point of view, but a lack of affection to this degree a mere 6 months into your marriage is not a healthy sign. I'd say that first you should be completely honest with him about how he's making you feel, and if that fails you should move on. The biggest concern here (outside of your feeling un-loved) is the worsening of the situation. This pain you feel can lead to depression and/or your initiating or involving yourself in an affair. Both of which will make things far worse for the both of you.<br />
I am really sorry that you have all of this to deal with, but please do not fall into the trap of believing that you are not worthy of love or that you are unattractive. The problem lies with him. You deserve to be happy and to receive what you want in life, so don't be afraid to go for it.<br />
Best of luck to you. I sincerely hope that you find happiness soon.