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Sad Sex

when my husband and I get physical, I feel like he's not really paying attention to me. More like, he just wants me to *** so that he can *** without feeling bad. There's no real foreplay. There's no talking dirty. Rarely a position change. Rarely a natural, unforced ******... I can't handle it, it's draining me - in all the wrong ways!

I wish I could explain all of this to him without hurting his feelings, but it always ends up that way. After we've 'talked' about it, I might get one night of something a little different, but after that it's same old again. It's making me so sad.

I hope there are others out there with this same issue I can talk to! I've tried changing it up by purchasing the karma sutra and a tantra guide, but we've had them for a month now, and he hasn't even looked at them!

So, because of all of this, sex is a rare thing in our one year old marriage.... Why should I want it? It doesn't change, there is no connecting, no passion. I feel used, despite my best efforts to change this. I've even come to realise that I have been lying to myself by trying to tell myself that sex is great, but, it's just... not.

I am 23 and my husband is a sweet man most of the time... But, I am so sad to think that my sex life is at it's end, when really I feel like it should just be beginning.

Orchalia Orchalia 22-25, F 19 Responses Nov 11, 2009

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I wouldn't let it weigh you down. We are masters of our own destinies. I'm i single 26 yr old male who hasn't had a sex life in two years. I got out of a bad relationship and i decided sex would take a back seat to self improvement. Honestly, i've discovered a lot about myself in this time and my life has gotten far more productive. Of course i crave human intimacy like anyone else, but i think we put too much emphasis on sex and youth culture in our society. You have your whole life ahead of you. I wouldn't let it weigh you down. If there's a connection there, you should try to work through it, if not you guys should talk about seeing other people. Either way you gotta remember that you have not only the freedom to do what's best for yourself, but a responsibility to as well. Believe it or not it's better to be in no relationship at all than an unhealthy one, and conversely sex isn't all there is to a relationship. I hope i've been helpful. Good luck.

I live in IN and would be willing to help...

I've always read that you are responsible for your own sexual well being. Ever try being the instigator of something new? Sounds like the two of you have fallen into a rut and simply need to take a fresh approach toward making love. Take control yourself and he'll follow. Most men find it exciting for their wives to be aggressive.

Wow I'm in the same boat...or ship it sounds like...

To anyone who has been looking for Orchalia, this is my new account with EP, please add it! I'm in for the long haul now in relocating all of my stories and notifying those who were in my circle and so on.<br />
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Thanks, Orchalia aka Orckiss

For many of us love and passion are right at the top of the list of things we want the most in life. I support you in demanding you get treated better, and there is nothing wrong with wanting/needing some good lovin' in a good relationship. Stay the course, and do not give in. As a husband whose wife has lost all sex drive I can empathize with you

Things are pretty bad at home.....after 5 years of talking......and nothing happening....husband sent me mobile messages (this is how he operates)..cant communicate face to face....another thing that I hate. About how it is so sad we got to this point blah blah blah...and he is shy about his low libido and whatever...I basically also have verbal abuse issues with him and he keeps making excuses that he says these things to protect himself...hallo...against what! I told him...I am sick of his lame excuses..he either has to grow up or face a divorce..because its heading that way..I cant go on like this. I told him, you are married to your family and business......and I am sick of it all. usually before i would get soft and give in..this time..I am as hard as a brick wall.....I dont pitty him, I dont show any emotion....cause this is how I have been treated ........yes, everything is shaky..but I do feel a sense of power in the mess....that I am asserting myself.....and i will take the consequences....to here and no further...no more mrs nice gal.....Because i am the one that suffers silently........

no puggy, it does not sound like your lover is BS'ing you. Glad there are some people, like yourself, that are having hot passionate sex. Me, not gonna happen, wife said out loud a couple of years ago "I just have NO sex drive at all anymore", meaning all the guys who met her before me got to have hot passionate sex, and I am the one with the short straw. Life sometimes just takes a giant crap on you, and one never knows just when it is coming. My marriage, my ONLY marriage believe me, is that giant crap.

Hi Jobrowne..I am so happy to get a response from a guy....so you reckon this guy is not bullsh*tting? Yes, I agree with you..I will rather have less things, and have love, and passion.....what makes a soul rich..not material things.......I am so inlove with him....I yearn for him every day......so, I have to figure out where to from here.....my lover also holds back, because he thinks I will never leave....but irrespective of whether my lover is in my life or not...it does not change the reality of the fact that I am in a brother/sister marraige, instead of a passionate loving relationship. I am so depressed and stressed out, facing this cross roads and having to make a choice, is very hard. You are welcome to share with me your experiences .....it is so sad that we have to communicate with strangers via internet about our most intimate details.....but at the same time...it is safe. take care...hope to hear from you soon.

Thanks HM :)

I absolutely agree with Slyyg. As a guy, I would always want to know the truth. If I found out that I wasn't satisfying my wife it would be devastating. That being said, unfortunately, it isn't an issue for us anymore as we don't have sex, period. Haven't had any kind of intercourse or play in 3 years. She just has lost desire, but that wasn't my point...I just wanted to let you know my perspective on the "wanting to know" issue.<br />
I really don't know what the answer is for you, Orchalia, but please know that I and all who are here are pulling for you to get some peace of mind

Wow have I just been awakened to my own problem...thanks orchalia and puggy.....

dolphins do it for fun as well.

I am so happy to see all these responses.......my husband is a good guy, don't get me wrong, but I have come to realise that something has been missing, could never put my finger on what exactly that was....but as i started looking inside myself, daring to face the truths I have been struggling with, it all started coming to the surface...and now I am at a crossroads where I am rediscovering who I am..what it is that I want, what I can live with and what I cannot live with. We live in a beautiful home, I have beautiful things....my cupboards are filled with food..I lack nothing materialistically..but.....I lack the love I so desperately want and desire. There was a time that i thought, maybe its me..maybe I have lost my mojo..am unattractive....(and this has been said to my face that he was not interested in me and he looked at me and said...'look at you'.....now guys....not to blow my own horn, but I am a very attractive woman, tall, slender, intelligent, hard working, sensitive....and I know men look at me and want me.......so, he obviously says these things to hurt me deliberately in order not to face his own demons and insecurities, so rather blame me..right? easier that way.....I always maintained...I am a loyal person, I do not believe in messing around.....adultry...not cool.....and here I am...I have fallen from grace.......I have met someone...and from the moment our eyes met..we had this overpowering need to be together.....he invited me to his place.....while driving there I knew.....this is it...this is where the dynamic of my life is going to change......I knew...we were going to make love..sooner than later.....and it happened....and it has been, and is the most beautiful thing words cannot even describe.....we have connected emotionally, spiritually, body, heart, soul, mind......it feels as if I have found my soulmate....really...can you imagine actually laying there, another man ontop of you, knowing it is not your husband....entering your deepest core of your being....and thinking....this feels right.....this is it.....I love this person.....its like my soul worships him...it worships him......when I look into his eyes and see the vulnerability when we are making love...the things we whisper in each others ears.....last night he said...' i want you to have my babies...I want my babies inside of you...I want to marry you....now, guys...if there are any guys out there....please tell me...is this for real...or would a guy stoop so low to bullshit a woman, if he already has his way with her? Now I can really say, I know what it feels to be made love to...he adores me.....I know it is early days....but this is what I am experiencing right now..and I know it is 'wrong', but I do not regret this.....My husband has no idea....but then again, he is so pre occupied with himself that he has taken me for granted....then he would buy me things.....and i appreciate it...but money and things cant buy a woman love..so very few men out there really know how to love and cherish a woman.....how to really connect on a deep level with a woman....if men only knew..that that was the pathway to bliss.....if you cherished a woman..you will have her enslaved to you...you will have her bow down and worship you, you will unleash the godgiven ability we have to love you...and men dont get this...they kill our spirits, cheapen our feelings...disregard our needs....Like the question has been asked on this forum....do you give it all up to have that emotional connection? or do you settle for the mundane, predictability of your life...the comfort and stability that it gives...althoug your spirit is dying inside? it is a tough one...and when you are in a marraige, and you meet someone......you have to make that choice somewhere down the line..the one or the other......and then your mind immediately says ' better the devil you know, than the devil you dont know'...but what if things dont change...and you have thrown away the one opportunity to experience love in its fullest...ok, emotional love..satisfying, gratifying, soul unleashing sex with someone....would you look back in 20 years and be like the lady in the Titanic.....this is the problem with us today..we settle.....we are too afraid to take chances......fear......My wish for all of you out there , just like me, struggling with this dilemma, is that you find your true self..i am still struggling with that too....and believe that you deserve what you really want out of life.......and yes, sometimes people are going to get hurt..this is my story too..i will rather hurt than hurt...I will rather sit with the miserable feelings than see someone else devistated by my actions...and God help me, the day when that has to come to pass...cause I know..someone is going to get hurt, and it is going to make me feel horrible......but i am not so sure I can walk way from this....I can't.......now that I have experienced this dream i thought was never going to be a reality, but only a fairy tale...now that I have tasted it, experienced it......how can i settle for any less a love???

B31 - Unfortunately you are right... Where our husbands may be wonderful in other aspects but not in the bedroom, we can only distract ourselves for so long... Despite the stereotypes that label us as some less than attractive names - women need sex and love and physical connection too. And regardless of our intent at the time that we are being physical with our partners (lust, make-up, enjoyment, etc.) - our bodies drive us to have sex as a basic instinct: reproduction. We are just lucky to be the only species on earth that does it for FUN too :)

You are not alone,I totally get it.As someone said I am married to a wonderful man, but in the bedroom department nothing going on at all.Yes it's frustrating and I still haven't figured out what to do with myself.I try to keep myself distracted with other things but that can only go so far I guess.

Slyyg - Women have a gift that can also be a curse... The ability to cover up our true pains our hurts and sadness. I avoid bringing these feelings up with my husband because it upsets him greatly and its a huge blow to his ego (as it would be for any man?) so I just 'keep mum' on my feelings, and fake my way through a lot of the time - and he never can tell.<br />
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As a male, can you (or any other man reading this) tell me what affect would be more lasting on you? To be told (or discover somehow) that your partner was not sexually satisfied... Or knowing that she was?

Puggy - thank you for reaching out to me, and you are right, I don't want to have to take that lead, I kind of feel like 'Why should I?' I am the one who, if you will, wears the pants in the house... I'm the one getting the questions about things that are so ridiculously easy to be answered by himself that I am wearing down...<br />
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He does not take the lead in any other aspect of our life so one day I told him that he needs to be more puposeful, more deliberate and take charge in the bedroom - but he just said he wasn't like that. So I altered my suggestion: 'Either take charge in here (the bedroom) or take charge out there'.<br />
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What did I get? One singular moment of that control, and I haven't seen it in any way shape or form since. I'm through with trying, with trying to talk it out... He gets upset and says it will change, but nothing sticks.

Dear Orchalia.....you are in the same predicament than myself....and yes, I get the advice..take the lead..but honey, if you are anything like me..you want to go to bed with a beast, not a bloody fairy! that is an immediate turn off..I dont have an issue taking the lead..if the man I am with is strong..cause that turns me on, to overpower his strenght from time to time..but when your partner is timit and unsure of himself, it really is a passion killer....I am married less than 2 years and we have gone from once a week to once in 2 months if I am lucky..but its just the normal thing...there is no lust, no passion, no dirty..I am so depressed and I have actually started having an affair......and I dont even feel guilty about it....I feel guilty about not feeling guilty....many of the people here with the same problem , well, their issues dont get better, it gets worse, so it makes me wonder..is this what it is going to be like for the rest of my life? Am I willing to settle for this? I mean, how do you tell the man you are married to that he is not sexually gratifying you, without hurthing his feelings?'..and in my marraige, I practically get shat upon if I speak about anything that I am unhappy about, so i keep quiet and say nothing, cause it does not change anything anymore..I am starting to believe, either you are hot blooded or you are not..and if no sex is not an issue for you, it never will be...if hot sex is an issue for you, you will do what ever you can to have it.....and lack of intimacy and communication is another factor that contributes to this disaster...its probably just sexual incompatability, end of story..Its very sad when you not even married for long and you have to sit with the same crap of those that have been married for 20 years or so..will it ever change? So, I am not giving you any advice, all i am doing is saying, I acknowledge you , its a tough road of total depression and self doubt... it makes a person feel insecure about your life with this person....puts a question mark behind the whole committment.....I know how you feel. You are welcome to message me and correspond if you want to chat more, we have to stick together.