No Hope

I've been cling to hope for sooooo long.  But we talked tonight, and it's hopeless.  As always, I'm the one that has to sacrifice, because it's just too hard for him to, you know, grow up, change, do ANYTHING!  He's borderline, I get it.  I understand what that means, and how hard that is to deal with, but this is horrible.  He's mean and yells at me all the time... that I can handle.  He smokes and I hate it... well, I'll get over it.  He treats me like I'm his slave, ok.  Fine.  But REFUSING to even TRY to fix his **** addiction, that I can't handle.  Not mixed with everything else and NO SEX.  He says that I had a choice in this!  WOW.  What nerve.  Cause, you know, having a break down is MY CHOICE.  Yeah, right.  And, you know what?  All the times that I've come to him CRYING because HE hurt ME and I wanted to hurt myself because of it, he didn't even blink.  Didn't even care.  Well, maybe once.  Once in five years of hell that he's put me through did he care.  I can't leave, because i don't believe in divorce.  So, I'm stuck.  I'm always the one making the sacrifices.  Always the one changing for him.  Oh, well.  What's one more thing? 

marriedtoborderline marriedtoborderline
22-25, F
6 Responses Feb 13, 2010

the night that I wrote this, yes I was very very angry. But I tend to disagree with the statement that I was attracted to him for a unhealthy reason. There are a lot of great things about him. And he was able to keep up the good things until after we were already married. He was very very outgoing, very supportive and kind... he was my best friend. He made me think that anything was possible as long as you had faith. But being borderline means he's double-minded. So, after we were married, he seemed to feel trapped. He got very depressed, stopped being supportive, stopped going to church. Then again, sometimes he becomes that person again. And he'll stay that good person I love for a while, then go back to a liar. Now that I've calmed down, and prayed about it I don't feel so bad. <br />
I myself am bi-polar. Yeah, I know... a bi-polar married to a borderline... it's NOT fun. But I've learned to control a lot of my mania and my depression. I don't hurt myself anymore! I don't usually get as upset as I did that night, because I remember that just as quickly as he made the decision to not have sex anymore, he makes the decision to start to try again. And he did. It's not ideal, but what life is? <br />
I totally disagree with the idea that he'll never change, because he has before. And they are changes that have STUCK! About a year and a half ago I had to commit him to the state mental ward. He was there for two weeks, and that's when they started the process of diagnosing what's wrong with him. He continued to get treatment for about 2 to 3 months after that, but we stopped being able to afford it. What really help us both was a book we read about a woman who was borderline and what she went through, because it was soooo much like what he'd gone through. That time in his life changed him. When he came home, the first thing he did was make love to me. That was VERY different. The problem is that he doesn't handle stress well. He needs to be on disability. Of course so do it, but that's because I have a lot of health problems. My husband was rapped by a past lover, he was raised by an abusive alcoholic father, almost sacrificed to satan by his mother, publicly humiliated by his first church... and more. I think I can cut him some slack. I'm not saying that I can excuse the verbal abuse, because I don't . But my feeling about divorce is FINAL. If he became physically abusive or cheated on me, then yes, I'd leave. But he hasn't and God hasn't released me from my marriage. So, I'm staying. I may not have faith all the time, but I know that prayer works. I know that God is there, and if He says He'll fix it, then He will. As long as I'm willing to let Him, it will happen. So, I'm give Him time.

MarriedtoBorderline... I would listen to Bholland if I were you. Great reality check. I wish the therapists over the years could have been as direct and logical... the ones I've gone to just seem to let us ramble on and let things linger on endlessly just like the asexuals would have us do...

hi,<br />
<br />
I never answer these things but I felt compelled to this time. I've been married to a borderline for 20 years, have 2 kids and yes I totally get it. the sexless marriage, the smoking (lol), and other things. The distortion campaigns, the projection all of it. <br />
<br />
My only advice I can give is to take this as an opportunity to learn and grow before you leave. You were attracted to him for a reason and it's not a healthy one. I would share it with you, but it would not matter. you have to learn it yourself so it will mean something to you. <br />
<br />
Once you "get it" and you are no longer angry you will be able to "detach with love". This will maybe look like apathy, but in reality you will be able to love him, stay detached, then decide if you want to leave or not.<br />
<br />
the "always the one changing for him" is the biggest clue. <br />
<br />
No matter what you read from any therapist (they are usually articles written by borderlines that are "cured"). Borderline Personality Disorder cannot be cured. Once you learn how to not be destroyed by either it, or the "thing" inside you that was attracted to it, you will have gained something super valuable from this relationship and you can move on.<br />
<br />
Any sorry, the sex thing will never change. If you stay in the marriage, get used to it.<br />
<br />
:)

Look, you are going through hell, for sure but at the end of your story you tell us you will not be leaving because you dont believe in divorce. Well don't leave. Stay and know that the rest of your married life is going to be just like this over and over again. <br />
<br />
What I see is probably different from you because I am not in your situation. That is that there must be something you are getting out of this relationship that keeps you in it. What is that. Is it more important than your sanity? You are still young, you can have other relationships, you can even go without divorcing right now. But do you agree, somehow, you need to either accept this lot or get the hell out of there.

Do you have kids ?<br />
<br />
If not and the only reason that you stay is because you don't believe in divorce..I don't know <br />
<br />
Maybe a therapist but I think if he's verbally abusive on top of the other issues,maybe you need to reconsider your view on divorce...<br />
<br />
That's just my opinion....

WOW!