Not Like This...

We met online of all places. When I saw his first message I believe I thought him to be one more undesirable that probably wasn't worth my time. But he was so persistant. So sure after we had started actually conversing that I was some kind of amazing person. Two thousand miles were not enough to deter him. It was through his words, his ideas, his adorable sense of "Look at all these things pointing that we are meant to be!" And I fell for him. I fell hard. And then we met. Spent almost an entire weekend together and is was...amazing. It was like I found my other half and I could no longer remember what life was like before I met him.  I fell in love. He was so passionate in his letters, e-mails, and phone calls. I had never felt so desired in my entire life. After multiple month long visits back and forth, (He lived in Canada and I the US) we decided to get married and move in together.

We were both virgins, and at the time I was "saving myself" so we didn't start having sex until roughly around the time we got married. The first time was very emotional, romantic, clumsy. I remember being so excited to "practice and make it even better." And then it started getting...less passionate and emotional and far more mechanical. It seemed like everytime we started going again he would just shut himself off and do it. We're two years into the marriage now and I have been so miserable. Every advance I make is just an annoyance. When sex comes up I get eyerolls. I've talked to him about it and he says he just "Doesn't want it and has no idea why." He's not on medications, I know he still thinks about sex, because he has a nice go with his hand on nearly a daily basis. When pressed for things it might be he throws out everything from. "I'm not attracted to you" to "It's too much work." Last month I begged for it. He wouldn't have to do any foreplay or kissing I just...wanted him. I regret that. He hardly looked at me, went about it as some chore. It was one of the most soul crushing experiences of my life. Of course when I started acting like it had bothered me he got very upset and told me that if I was just going to complain about it when he did break down and do it he wanted to do it even less in the future.

Out of the bedroom he seems to different. I get daily hugs and kisses, he even occasionally adds that he's so lucky to be with someone so wonderful as me. But when sex comes up all of those actions and words seem to be hallow. Is it wrong or too much to ask for someone who desires me sexually? Someone who actually wants to be intimate with me instead of dragged to bed kicking and screaming. I always thought men loved having sex. Perhaps he just doesn't love doing it with me...and that cuts so deep. I left my family, friends and life to be with this guy because I loved him and wanted nothing more to be held lovingly in his arms. That...never seems to happen either.

I'm only 22 and he only 23, so maybe my perceptions of marriage and love and even sex are just off. Maybe I'm just being picky or selfish. I don't find myself unattractive, sure I could probably eat a little better and lose a few pounds, but I can still turn heads. I've even had a friendship with a guy where he ended up confessing that he liked me in that way and would like nothing more than to satisfy me with his amazing skills as a lover. (Believe me I considered it. But I still love my husband. So I just couldn't do it.) After some searching I stumbled across this site and I'm starting to think that things just won't get better. Counselling has come up, but I'm not sure where that would take us. We get along perfectly fine until sex comes up. He's my best friend, I enjoy being around him and he seems to feel the same way. But there is no passion or romance..we're roommates. I feel bad complaining to you all with stories of 10 years without any sex. But at the same time I'm horrified that I could be in that position somewhere down the road.

So what do I do? Do I stick it out a little longer and hope that he somehow figures out what he dislikes so much about having sex with me to fix it? Or do I just start running now before I'm in a position where I can't leave. It seems like with our sex life being in such a bad place, it's just slowly suffacating what is left of us. 

Most of the time when I weigh my options I just end up getting really angry and start thinking "If he doesn't want me I'm going to find someone else who does." But all I feel right now is just an immense load of guilt and shame that I somehow couldn't make myself appealing or good enough to keep him from becoming so disinterested.

Everlonely Everlonely
22-25, F
6 Responses Feb 22, 2010

Thank you all for your advice and encouragement.

You are very young and you are entitled to a life that is FULL. You need not and you should not accept a "half life" IMO. It is very sad that things have turned out like for this for you - but you can reclaim your life.<br />
<br />
If you are religious you will find that your husband's refusal is grounds for an annullment. Please choose to end this farce of a marriage as soon as you can - and choose a real life with a partner who can be everything you need and desire.

Number one. DO NOT have kids til this issue gets resolved! Please.<br />
If I could go back and re-do my life, (my situation was very similar to yours) I would push him with every thing I had to develop intimacy with me. It's not just about sex. It's about growing a relationship and being open and vulnerable and working through problems. Keep pushing until it's fixed! Go to counseling, couples retreats, what ever you think might work. If you push him into leaving you then so be it. Otherwise, about 10 years down the road, you are going to be me. Read my stories. I let it slide year after year. I tried to do everything I could to please him. And now he's leaving me. And I have 2 small kids that need their dad.

I think you owe it to yourself to have a wonderful life... and you are not likely to have that with this guy, ever.<br />
<br />
So get out now... run before you have a child and running becomes impossible. <br />
<br />
I am sorry if this advice is hard to hear... I really am and I really understand.<br />
<br />
james<br />

Wow! Your story is so much like my own I can not believe it! There are only two things different, my husband is actualy upset about his inability and he doesn't use his hand insted of me. But other then that...<br />
I still have a hope that things are going to improve somehow one day if we work for it, but it is the teo of us togeather and I have made sure that he understands how I feel. You can not do this alone. Meerin is right

I think you owe it to yourself and your marriage to lay everything out. Tell him how crushed you are and that if it doesn't get better and if he won't go to counseling, you will leave. And mean it. You deserve to be with someone who loves you and fulfills your needs.