What To Do!!??

Well this story is rather long..but I guess I will just start at the beginning.

I have been married for just over 10 years now. I love my husband. This man treats me like a queen. Does almost all of the cleaning in the house and makes all of my meals takes care of the cats (we  have no children)  and has some serious financial wisdom, which because of we are completely out of debt. We make phenomenal business partners. I have a great job and make good money and so does he. I am back in school getting my degree and I sing in the church's choir which I attend 2 choir practices a week plus perform on the weekends in church. So needless to say time is something I have very little of. I also suffer from severe chronic pain. I have chronic back and neck pain and I have fibromyalgia..but I dont' let it stop me.

Our sex life has NEVER been there. It's not like it was good at one point and then faded. IT NEVER WAS THERE!! I am a Christian and do not believe in sex before marriage (although part of me now wishes I tried out the goods before I made the purchase LOL)  He never even tried to make a move before we got married which for me I thought he was just being a gentleman..which was a nice switch because all of the other men I dated had only one thing in mind.  I've always been a horny woman and I actually made it to my wedding night a virgin (age 27) ..which as a side note was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do and a miracle at that LOL. Now I think to myself "I waited 27 years for THIS?????"  I feel ripped off. I go in spurts though..where I feel guilty and selfish for feeling 'ripped off' and then I go into feeling 'self jusitification' and resentment. Lately it's been more of the latter.

I am LUCKY if we have sex once every 3 months and I timed it, and it last 6 minutes long from start to finish!!! What's wrong with that picture???? I am a woman who is VERY passionate and VERY intimate and wants to feel sexy and desirable..which I feel NONE of. When I ask him what's wrong and that there's a problem with our sex life..he just looks to the ground and says "I know" but wont' offer up any explanation. He has NO problem getting it up it's the desire he has a problem with. I have done whatever I can to spice things up ie) He refuses to play with toys after I suggested it,,says if I have a toy I'm saying "he's not good enough" (sidenote: I have a toy..I just keep it from him) ..hates it when I rub my c*l*i*t..well too bad buddy..I'm not NOT rubbing my c*l*i*t..cause I HAVE TO GET OFF!!!!! When we are in bed ..he says to me "why can't we just cuddle??" SERIOUSLY!!??? I told him one day ( which I agree was mean) 'If I close my eyes I'd swear I was a lesbian'..He acts more like a woman than I do ( in that regards)  When he o*r*g*a*s*m*s he WON'T wait for me..when he's done he's done and he pulls out and it's over.He is also VERY quiet...refuses to show ANY emotion during sex..no moans no groans etc..and he hates it when I scream..( YES I am VERY LOUD) ...Ok but here comes the kicker........you ready for this???.............this man REFUSES to go down on me!!!!!!! HELLO?????!!!!!! that is something I CRAVE..something I need!!!!! I literally throb in anticipation of a man's tongue being inside of me while I c*u*m*..Ok I better stop I'm getting horny while I'm writing this ROFL!!!!!!!

Seriously I have suggested for him to go see a Doctor and for him to get counselling from one of our pastors and he just flat out refuses ..he gets mad and says "There IS NO PROBLEM" I have told him over and over and over again how unhappy I am and he just looks at me with this blank look on his face and then out of nowhere shrieks NO NO NO you are happy and grabs me and holds me tight..I think the man I married is mental!!! LOL

Being a Christian I am not a believer in divorce. I find myself praying he just dies..so I have a 'real' chance at being happy (I know that's horrible). I also naturally dont' believe in having an affair however.........

There is this man that I work with..that over the course of several years of working with him I have gotten to know him well. We are majorly attracted to each other and he has already fulfilled much of what my husband cannot just by some of the conversations that we have had. He is currently married as well and in the same situation as I am with regards to passion and intimacy. We have had some intimate moments but no sex because of our convictions. I am afraid we are both one day just going to say "Who CARES" and just end up doing it

#1 I am afriad of losing our friendship and the love that we have built for each other up to this point

#2 I am afraid of putting my marriage in jeopardy

#3 I am afriad IF I DON'T do it I will never know what it feels like to be made love to


Any suggestions on how to save my failing marriage or what to do???

This is the first time that I have put this all out there and gotten this off of my chest..so please be gentle in your responses.


Thanks T2Nurse

T2Nurse T2Nurse
36-40, F
11 Responses Feb 28, 2010

This is realy odd! This sound so much like my husband. Except the abuse. But no friend, well one, great with my family. I'm excited to hear Bobs answer

Hello,<br />
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I feel for you. I think from your responce to yankeebob your husband has some really deep seeded sexual Issues stemming from his abuse. Him being abused from a man will also mess with his desire of you as a woman. I always believed western religions were not geared up to handle real life issues especially issues with sex. I would say love your husband and he loves what you are giving him so you should not feel bad about having another man fulfill the other parts of your life. You would not be out sleeping around you would just have a friend that understands those other needs. Just my two sense. <br />
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YankeeBob<br />
Let me see if I can answer your questions..I would be interested to see what your thoughts are after you read these.<br />
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#1) Close male friends??? NONE!! My husband has NO friends outside of my family..purely by choice...ALL he wants to do is work come home and spend time with me ..not the love making passionate kinda time either. :( I have encouraged him to go out with friends but he doesn't want to..even though I go out with my friends.<br />
#2) Does he have a job that takes him away from home overnight? No<br />
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#3) do we keep separate bank accounts? No all of our accounts are together<br />
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#4)Sexual abuse..ok now this is a big one..and I didn't mention it before..but ONCE and only ONCE did he admit something to me and he cried like a baby ( he never cries) ..he admitted it to me right after we got married and when I tried to bring it up again a few years later (gently) he REFUSED to talk about it and said that NOTHING HAPPENED!!!! But something about him and a priest ( he was an altar boy) and he wouldn't even go into detail but he just told me he was molested..I was EXTREMELY empathetic to him as I was raped in my past and I had admitted that to him but I was able to get over it..so I figured it wouldn't affect our marriage ..but obviously it has even though to hear him say it ..nothing is wrong!!! I think it could be a reason why he won't go see anybody for help..maybe in fear that it will come up in conversation.<br />
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#5) My husband relates well to the males in my family. I have no brothers..but he gets along very well with my father and my uncles..as a matter of fact they love him more than they love me ( or so it seems) my whole family calls my house to talk to him...for advice and also because he is the internet guru..he finds everything at the best prices for everyone..plus he has EXTREME patience in dealing with my mother and my aunt who have him look up all kinds of garbage and order this and order that..they ALL love him to death!!!<br />
<br />
So anyways that gives you more of an idea of what I'm dealing with..Curious to hear what you think :) <br />
<br />

I agree with that!

Why not go see your pastor by yourself? Maybe if the problem is already out there, he'll be willing to go, too. Or, your pastor can come over and speak to your husband alone.

MoonW..believe me I have tried and tried to get him to go see our pastor and he just won't..he says that there is NO problem. Like I said before My tears do not matter to him. He'd much rather sweep these problems under the rug than deal with them and then continue to insist that our marriage is perfect. I have dealt with this for so long ..now I feel resentment building and some days feel like I'm just going to explode. It's a very very lonely place to be. I do however believe in the power of prayer and it is through that power that I have been able to pull through on some days. I am just praying for strength that God will help me to say what needs to be said at the right time and for things to work out one way or another.

Pleas, pleas talk to somebody! You say you are both very religious, how about you talk with your priest then? It may be easier for him that way then to go strait to therapy.

FortuneCookie..You are NOT alone..and thank you so much for your post..it is very comforting to know that I am not alone in this seemingly uphill battle. <br />
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Please read the stories on I live in a sexless marriage. Your story is almost mine exactly, minus the religion parts. Your story is very sad and my heart goes out to you. Please consider getting some therapy yourself.<br />
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May you find your way in all of this.

I know how you feel. I am in the same boat as you. Awesome husband, and we both love God and go to Church. Yup, treats me like a queen. Cleans the house, does laundry and gives great gifts. Everything a girl could want. Except no cuddling, touching, or desire from his end. It's killing me. I am not the same woman I was five years ago when I stepped into this marriage. I've cried, screamed, journaled, prayed, tried other things to fulfill this emptyness like shopping and food. Nothing helps. Nothing stops the ache of knowing the one person you gave your life to doesn't even want you. Seriously?! Doesn't even want me!? Cause Before I was married I was pursued so hard by men, and had sexually satisfying relationships. Then I got saved. Shortly after that I fell in love deeply with my husband. We got married but had decided to wait until after the wedding for sex. I couldn't wait! I just thought all the time about how wonderful it was going to be, married to a Christian man, being able to worship together in church and talk openly and unashamed about God and have nothing hiding between us which would of course lead to awesome unselfish sex, right?! <br />
Sex was created by God and God wants it to be good within a marriage. Sex drive is a normal human function like eating, breathing and going to the bathroom. I am very attracted to my husband sexually, everything about him turns me on. I crave him to hold me, cuddle with me and to want me as much as I want him. This has actually been more of a curse in my case I am always feeling not good enough, not pretty enough, not whatever enough...We should not feel dirty or ashamed just because we want our husbands to make love to us without a selfish 6 minute wham bam thank you mam. <br />
In my case My husband likes sex once we start, but he never pursues me never lets me know he thinks of me anything more than a sister. One thing I think you need to ask your husband is if he has or had a problem with ***********. **** has pretty much destroyed my husbands thoughts and identiy of sex. It is not something in his mind to bring two people closer together or a way of showing love it is just two people using eachother and selfishly getting off for their own pleasure. My husband has a very strong moral compass, not to mention is hard on himself always trying to be a better man for God so with this belief of sex he pretty much avoids it like the plague. Your husband might have or had a problem with **** and just be very scared to tell you. Also I should mention, actual sex/penetration with my husband never lasts over 15-20 sec; I suspect this is because prior to marriage (or even now?) he is so used to getting himself off he has no restraint when actually with another person. (I don't care unlike some women). Just to have my husband for those brief seconds is better than nothing for months. Now in your case your husband obviously feels bad about it because of the comments he made to you about not being enough....Just not bad enough to actually let you have your toys or help him out by rubbing yourself, right?! I guess we will have to keep trying to figure this one out...hopefully we won't go crazy, have a steamy affair that we are going to regret or fall into depression in the meantime. We have to believe that God loves us and put us in this marriage for a reason. He can heal anything, any situation and I believe he can heal our husbands. Thanks for your post, I don't feel so alone now. At night when I lay next to my husband pretending to be asleep and tears are streaming down my face at least I know I am not alone.

Marriage is a committment to give and share love. He has failed to fulfil his part. Don't deny yourself the natural and normal needs and desires. Seek out that sensual mate that will make you feel like a complete woman again.