Five Years Of Feeling Not Good Enough

Let me just say I love and respect my husband. That's what makes it so painful. He is a great dad, he does more than his fair share of housework and is a great leader for our family. Everyone in my family agrees he is totally wonderful and I am so lucky to have him as a husband. The problem is that my husband had a problem with *********** prior to our marriage. He is a Christian now and stays away from it. But sad to say I think **** corrupted his ability to have intimacy. We are great partners in parenting and running a house. We are dedicated to our children. Everything appears good from the outside. But what people don't see is that we only have sex anywhere from once every 2-6 months.

When we were dating, I envisioned how close we would be once we were married. (No sex until married) I thought we would make love every other day or even just once a week when we were really busy. The shock of reality that he didn't desire me sexually has slaughtered my self esteem, left me depressed and confused, numb and now finally after five years, more and more bitter. My son asked me the other day, "Mommy, why don't you ever laugh?"

I will never leave him over this issue. I love him. My only question to myself is....Am I going to regret living my life this way? If I am this depressed and biiter now, how will I be in 10, or 15 years?  

fortunecookie fortunecookie
31-35, F
6 Responses Mar 1, 2010

I agree with your thinking about your husbands previous **** usage because I am in a similar situation. My husband use to look at **** and wanted sex all the time. Now he no longer has the desire for it so his desire for me is gone also. Have been married for a long time and I do not know what to do!! I am currently sleeping in a bed by myself because I finally refused to share a bed with someone that I realized was probably pretending I was that **** star he had been looking at!! After all this time I had to face the fact my husband had really been with another woman(in his mind) instead of with me, his wife. If anyone thinks **** can not hurt a relationship look at mine. He says he loves me but I think actions speak louder than words!! He makes no effort to bring me back to "our" bed. It ahs been a LONG 3.5 years and I see no end to it in sight. He has now moved on to other things and I guess I am supose to be greatful it is not another woman (in the flesh.) Oh well that is just my experience and my opinion. Good luck to all with this problem!!

The partner withholding sex is extremely selfish. The damage they can do their partner's confidence and self esteem can be crushing. One must be realistic about how long one can tolerate the other partner having all the control because that is what they hold.....they always have the upper hand and seldom know even how to compromise even a little. I have found if it goes on for too long, eventually you change the way you feel about your partner from an intimate point of view and if they do intiate any intimacy you constanly wonder about their motives and that gets it the way of enjoying any closeness. The issue becomes so large that it's difficult to get past it. My partner definately makes all the move, on his terms and expects me to respond when he does. Intimacy 3 times a year for a minute and a half does not constitute a sex life in my mind. For me there is only so much I will put up with and the clock is ticking. For everything else in our relationship we talk about and compromise except for sex. Would I have signed up for this had I known before...I don't think so. If he is happy to see me so miserable and resentful because of his selfishness and refusal to address the problem or even talk about it, in my mind that is not love. I am optimistic about the future but also realistic. I am with a good man in other ways. Good luck with you situation.

If your child is asking why you never laugh, something is seriously wrong. Even if you choose to stay in this marriage, I hope you seek counseling for yourself at least. Obviously, it is effecting your son. You deserve to be happy and your son deserves a mom who is not angry all the time.<br />
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If you are both christians, perhaps you can seek help from your pastor/priest.<br />
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I think if you continue on this path, you will become incredibly bitter and broken. You should not shoulder this burden. Your husband has issues. I know how difficult it is to not to take it personally, but you sound like you have run yourself into the ground. You need to find some happiness. Find what you like to do that will help you have more of an identity than "rejected wife". Take a martial art, learn cake decorating. Many colleges will let you audit courses for free. Find something and set some time aside each day to be silly with your son. He is only small once and you cannot get these days back. Blow bubbles with him, play hop scotch, swing at the playground, build a sand castle, go to the aquarium.

In 10 years, you will be full of hatred and contempt. Bitter is an understatement.<br />
I feel for you and wish I could give you something to hold on to. Don't lose you. It's wonderful to love someone, but don't lose who and what you are. You can't save him.<br />
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God bless.

I'm only 16 and don't really know all the circumstances but I reckon you two should talk about it. If he doesn't know what he's doing to you and you either break or blow up one day because of it what's gonna happen? Might be better to try and take care of it sooner than later. Hope this helps at least a little.

I can relate well......coz me living in a similar position ,though with some bitter ness added 2 it ,4 long 25 yrs,almost 20 yrs without any physical relations....its not very easy to tolerate ,but if U dont have any option ,U have to tolerate it!Wish ,ur husband should realsise ur prob soon,and co-operate with U unlike my hubby! All the best