I Married A Friend Who I Loved, But Now We Are Just Roomates.

I had been married twice before and had two teen children when my husband and I got married.  It seemed like the perfect match.  We were good friends for many years before we started dating, had the same deep religious beliefs and seemed to even have similar backgrounds.  In fact the only big differences were that I'm more outgoing than he is (although we are both a little shy) and I had a longer sexual history than him, although at the time I didn't know that because he was too shy to talk about it.  I've always had a very high sex drive and nothing including menapause has effected it in the least.  Before we married we did everything we could to make it work including premarital counseling advice, sometime unwanted, from relatives and talked about and figured out all the important things married couples fight about.  Everything seemed to go well at first.  I did discover on our honeymoon how inexperienced and unimaginative he was sexually, but we got through that part and things were getting pretty good for awhile.   When we were trying to get pregnant with our first daughter, the sex was often and fun.  After I got pregnant things slowed to a crawl, but I blamed it on my girth (though in actuallity my sex drive was very high during the pregnancy).  Unfortunately our daughter was a very poor sleeper and wanted to sleep with us most nights.  This was Ok for awhile, but it seemed that  whenever I tried to get her to sleep in her own crib, my husband would give into her crying and back she'd be with us.  It wasn't until close to her second birthday that she finally was sleeping alone.  I got pregnant again around that time, on our first and only try at it actually.  Since her birth seven years ago, I can count on my fingers the number of times we've had sex.  We've had arguements and disscussions.  We've been to counseling about it but my husband is too shy to bring it up or blames some temporary circumstances on our lack of intimacy.  In actuallity, it seems that he finds everthing  about sex dirty or somehow sinfull.  Our lack of sex life doesn't seem to bother him in the least.  He'd rather play video games or watch programs about World War Two than have sex.  I almost wish he would look at a playboy or watch a **** flick, at least I'd know he's interested in woman.   I don't know what the problem is I'm too young to give up sex and intimacy. I've practically given up trying to seduce him, there's only so much rejection a person can take.  I've tried to shime up as much as I can.  I dress nicer, try to lowhen wok cute when we go to bed, but I might as well be in sackcloth.   He finally has agreed to go to the doctor, but I know that if I don't go in with him, he won't bring it up at his physical.  I've known a lot of men in my life as friends and collegues, but none of them seem to be so asexual as my husband.  A lifetime of marriage like this will be hell not bliss.

anglophile1960 anglophile1960
46-50, F
2 Responses Mar 4, 2010

I don't know what to tell you. I am in a similar situation and have gotten to the point where I'm just working on feeling more fit and healthy myself, with the hope that as I get more well, I will know how to effect change within my marriage. My husband says he wants to change, but has yet to act on that in any sustained, meaningful way. He just says what he knows I want to hear. <br />
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I have stopped being angry with him, as I have chosen to stay in the marriage. Letting go of being angry helps, but doesn't solve the problem. Good luck to you. You're not alone.

Total bummer. Sorry to hear it. I think the only way to address this situation is to admit it is a problem OUT LOUD TOGETHER and commit to working on it indefinitely in counseling. To ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist will only lead to frustration and anger that will eventually leak out! I just had a big hissy fit tonight when I imploded because i felt underestimated professionally (during a job interview) and my frustration was compounded by my sense of inadequacy, rejection and inability to affect my own personal life in a positive way at home. I was absolutely livid. I feel that even my husband doesn't respect me because he just doesn't care about meeting my needs enough to do anything about it. It's cold. It's downright disrespectful and it is literally going to drive me either crazy or away!!! As long as this issue is ignored it lingers on. I layed down the law tonight. Either we work on this together as a couple or we mutually decide we are incompatible and pursue a divorce. I don't want to live in this gray/maybe/who cares zone anymore!!! Good luck with your situation. It really doesn't ever get any better, does it?