Just Been In A Sexless Marriage



   For me it's been 7 years that I have been in a sexless marriage.  We seem to be more like friends than lovers, because we can talk about almost everything.  Although my husband has never been good at sharing his feelings with me.  In the 30 years of our marriage there has been infinitely where we both have been unfaithful to each other.  We even tried an alternative lifestyle the swinging lifestyle, but it only seem to work for a brief time.  And now we don't have sex anymore.  I have had thoughts of leaving my marriage, but since I am unemployed I have no way of financially taking caring of myself. There is no way that I want to live with my parents who are senior citizens now.  They can take care of themselves, but soon will need to be taken care of.  I have one brother who is divorced and has a son, but I don't see myself living with him either.  I just don't want to be on my own.  I really want to be in a relationship with a man who truly loves me and appreciates me.   

    When my husband and I first met we were both in our late teens.  At the time I was just breaking up with my ex-boyfriend, because my parents never approved of him due to his color and race, but I was still madly in love with him.  Sitting in the basement of my girlfriend's house was when I first saw him. And it was me who asked him out on our first date. And then we started going steady for 5 years until one day we moved in together.  It was my idea to live together, because I wasn't getting along with my mother, but in order to move in together I needed to find a full-time job.  Once we moved in together I lost my job.  Six months later I discovered that I was pregnant since we were not married I ended up having an abortion.  I felt it was never my choice.     

     A year later we got married, but just after three weeks of being married I had my first affair with a boy I knew from high school.  I felt ashamed and guilty for what I had done.  It was the first time I caught my husband drinking, because I had confessed to him what I had done.  I think that he forgave me, but I could not forgive myself.  I think that I was feeling depressed, because of having to give up not having our first child.  I really wanted to have a baby, but my mother and husband felt I wasn't capable and that I was too young to take care of a newborn baby.  I hated myself for having the abortion .

     5 years later we moved and I lost weight and became going back to school.  For the first time our sex life got better we were having sex and I never wanted it to end, but after a year we moved it was going to be a major move.  Once we moved and settled I had my second affair when my husband went on a business trip.  I was feeling lonely and wanting some company.  After my second affair I seem to be on the rebound and had multiple affairs.     

      Now for the past 10 years I have been sexually sober no more affairs. At one time I had imagine that I was addicted to sex, because I had tried moving out and living with my lovers, but that never worked out. I have been to see a number of therapists and one told me I was just impulsive and didn't think about myself or my husband.  I still think of what I did and realized that I was looking for love in all the wrong places.What I was looking for was a man who would give me the life I wanted. And love me for who I am.

     Just an update since being in my fifties sex became too physically painful for me so my husband and I stopped having sex. But now I realize that I am going through menopause. I sometimes there is more behind why we don't have sex. I feel as if I am being punished for the lifestyle we tried, necause it was my idea to explore. Although I would get emotionally involved and my husband was not impressed.       

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Mar 12, 2010