It's Soul Stealing

We're told everyday Men LOVE sex. They're always thinking about it, they always want it. All it takes is a glimpse of skin and he's ready to club you over the head and drag you back to the cave. My friends tell me about their husbands dragging them away from the dishes, putting the kids to bed early or locking the doors on Sunday mornings so they can have sex. How many commercials do we see everyday where a guy drops everything because a woman walks by?

And here I am being able to count the number of times I've had sex in the last year. Studies say that the average is 111 times a year! You'd have to divide that number by a lot to get my average.

I feel useless, I feel worthless and the worst part about it now is that I don't know what is worse: when it's not even mentioned, when he says it's going to happen "tonight!" and I roll my eyes because I know it's not, or when it actually does happen and it's pretty much about him getting off as quickly and with as little touching as possible.

I feel like I've lost my identity as a woman. What's the point of having soft skin, tousled hair, smooth legs etc. if they're going to be overlooked in lieu of the computer or tv? I can't even remember the last time I even cared what bra I wore or if it matched my panties.I want to feel desired again.

meerin meerin
31-35, F
21 Responses Mar 14, 2010

My husband has absolutely no interest in spice. He is highly allergic in fact. Any variation from the norm freaks him out. Actually, even the norm is typically a no go. <br />
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I'd suggest you work things out with your lady. If you are using **** instead of having sex with her, I doubt that makes her happy or feel wanted. Is your girl okay with the frequency?

Mewold, leaving isn't as easy as just getting out. I wish it were, but it's not.

Don't ever get into the mindset that it is your fault that he doesn't want to have sex with you. He has a problem and is turning it into your problem also. Since he doesn't want to work on it with you or even admit to having a problem, the faster you shed him, the sooner you will heal and be ready for a real man. Won't wait to fix problems to leave. Get out now. That in itself will fix some of the problems. And don't jump into a relationship with the first piece of *** you come across. Give yourself time to heal and fix those problems you were talking about.

Funnily enough, MissM, my name is partially ba<x>sed on meerkat. I've used it in other forums, but all variations of it I tried here were taken, so I changed the ending. <br />
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It is a mindfuck to be told the things that usually mean you are desired and wanted, but then treated the opposite way. I'm working my way out slowly, but it will probably be awhile. I've got a lot to offer, but also a lot of baggage and I'm not sure anyone will want to take it on. <br />
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Thank you for all the compliments, but you're still making me disappointed you're not a guy or I'm not bi lol.

If there are no children, it is easy. Just pack your bags and walk out. If there are kids, get a lawyer and make HIM leave. It is as easy as that. The emotional turblance will subside rather quickly.

I have tried talking. He tells me the same thing every time: he loves me, wants to have sex with me, thinks I am beautiful, he is just tired/stressed/insert excuse here. <br />
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I have asked if he is gay, he says no. I have never found anything to make me think he is. Any **** I have found has been heterosexual or women by themselves. <br />
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I tried counseling, he gave the counselor the same line he gives me, but will never do anything about it.<br />
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I have told him I can't take it anymore. I was brutally honest about 3 years ago and again this past Feb. He promised to go to the doctor and try counseling again, but 8 months later, still nothing. <br />
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I don't think he will ever change and I don't think I want him to anymore. He has destroyed all trust I ever had in him. I expect him to lie and disappoint me now. I'm working on a way out, but it will probably take awhile.

I am going to stick my neck out and make a few comments that you may not like.<br />
1. Try to get him to sit down and talk with no accusations or recriminations and just find out how he feels about sex. <br />
2. Something you might want to think about is the question, "Is he gay?"<br />
3. Suggest strongly that you and he seek counseling.<br />
4. Let him know that this is becomming intolorable to you and it must change.<br />
5. If he is not receptive to any of the suggesstions, you need to decide if you want to continue to live your life this way. If the answer is no, find a good lawyer. Life is too precious to live it unhappy.

Hugs, sweetheart. I could have written this story myself and most of this thread resonates very strongly with me. The near constant denials are so hurtful but heaped on top of that is the shame of not being desired. God, I can remember back in the day when we were *normal* that was one of my biggest turn ons. The look on his face or what he said told me he thought I was the most beautiful person in the world. And now, the offhand dismissals or vague irritation at the suggestion of sex - it is incomprehensible to me. I would be so flattered. fyayldt, you said it, I FEEL like a piece of furniture. He puts on such a good show but at home it's an entirely different matter. I am trying all the time to get out of my own head and approach things in a different way. Right now I am trying to make him feel how I would, if it were him pursuing me. I want him to feel desired, wanted, flattered, and have that turn him on. It should feel good. I haven't always been so good at that, I have to admit. After awhile it gets hard to hide the vitriole from spilling out from all that pent-up frustration. I stop short of screaming in his face, "**** me already! It makes me nicer!!!"

I think it a matter of mismatched sex drives and wrong headed attitudes about sex. First of all he doesn't have the sex drive for you that you have for him... this isn't your fault. Secondly he does see his role as your sex partner as his duty (which it is).. and so you are as I am and as many of us are... sexually neglected.<br />
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It isn't you, it your guy.... <br />
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Hugs,<br />
james

I'm sorry you're here too, Pugs. It's a sucky place to be.

I think I've mentioned somewhere that I've wondered if it's not necessarily ME that he wants, but rather he wants a family: He doesn't want to be alone.

He's not using prostitutes. I see all of our banking and credit card statements and there is no cash missing. I doubt he's having an affair because I know his work schedule and if he's not at work, he's at home. <br />
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Gay? It's possible, but the **** was always heterosexual and sometimes women alone. <br />
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He was physically abused, but not sexually.

I think maybe I worded it wrong. I don't expect perfection: I don't really expect him to be "on" 24/7. I just didn't expect a .00001% success rate for sex. I was just having a poor me rant because day after day of being told no and dangling the "tomorrow night" carrot in front of my face makes me feel unwanted, unsexy, unloved, like a horrible wife because I must be doing something wrong that my own husband can't stand to have sex with me. I'm tired of being confused because he says he wants me, says he thinks I'm sexy, but he acts like I have cooties when I try to touch him.

It certainly doesn't sound like your fault Meer. I will say that the myth about all men wanting sex constantly is just that, a myth. At least after we're out of our teens/early twenties. We're human too (believe it or not) and our desire waxes and wanes. There are certainly men who DO want sex all the time, but that varies from male to male and isn't a universal constant like most outlets make it out to be.<br />
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Now in your case there is obviously something wrong with your husband, either emotionally or physically. Sure there are things you can do to try and change this, but it's really up to him to recognize the problem and take some initiative to try and fix things. Even if it were something wrong with you that was causing him to lose interest it's up to him to explain that to you. <br />
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This is a tough thing for a man to face. We're also constantly bombarded with the idea that we should want sex all the time and when our woman tells us she's not happy in that area it's a blow to our ego. If the man can't overcome that he'll go into denial and blame it on anything but himself. <br />
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I'm sorry I don't have any solutions, just observations. I do wish you luck. You're much too young to be in such a situation.

YankeeBob~ I have asked, but he says he is stressed. He has been "stressed" for the last 8 years. If he has been depressed for this long, you think he would have seen someone for it by now.<br />
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Extremedad~ I don't think that I am having unrealistic expectations. I don't expect candles, rose petal or handcuffs every night. I like sex in almost all of its varieties. I like quickies, longies, playful, passionate, comfortable etc. I don't think I put pressure on him. Any time I have talked to him, I have tried to be honest without being confrontational. <br />
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Maybe **** is part of the problem. He watched it a lot when we were first married and living together. I don't have a problem with ****, but I had a problem with him sneaking around and using it instead of having sex with me. Maybe that was why he thought that tweaking my nipple was enough to get me ready. I was okay with him not knowing how to touch me at first. But, when we've talked about it, I expected him to listen. i was never rude about it and I asked if he wanted anything. I've tried things he wanted and am open to almost anything. If I was putting pressure on him without knowing it, if he would tell me, I would stop. He asked me once to stop asking for it every night. I stopped asking and it was almost 2 months before I finally broke down, but I tried. If it's my fault, I wish he would just say it.

OK my EP friend - there is a lot going on here. Please allow me to say from a male point of view that there aren't as many romantics out there as the media would like us to think. Yes, there are some guys who can take the girl on almost a moments notice, but it's certainly not for her pleasure. Why is it that there are still married women who have never had an ******? <br />
Most of us males like to think that we are the alpha male and can dominate in every situation including sex. Too many times when it needs to be an actual intimate situation the male falls short. Maybe because he feels pressured or intimidated but he falls short. <br />
There is a large percentage of men who get hooked on **** and develop a fantasy life then the 'average' woman is no longer attractive to him. I do not know or understand your situation but I can say that I completely feel for you. My mom and step dad argued about sex all the time. I don't think he could perform in the bedroom but on every other account he was a man's man. When they would drink, she would ask him and he'd say yes, but then it didn't happen. <br />
My situation is different in that it's medicine she takes or she's tired or whatever but it sure doesn't happen too often. <br />
Hope this helps in some small way.

DaisyDot, I wish I knew. I really do. <br />
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I'm sorry Solidad. It really sucks. You would think that since they only want it once in a blue moon, they'd be more passionate, but it's pretty mechanical. <br />
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DN, Yeah, the club over the head was a little melodramatic. Walking on eggshells is exactly right. I'm supposed to kiss him- but not too hard or too long. I can hug him-but not from behind. I shouldn't need a list of rules for my husband. Thanks for the commiseration, though I wish no one had to kwim?

Hello,<br />
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Well I don't know about the club you over the head and drag you off part but I think most men a very sexual. I am sorry you are in a marriage with a man that does not appreciate what he has. I have been with my wife for 17 years and we now have sex once every other month. We are both busy and have four children but I would always make time for that, but she is just not interested. I understand how you feel when he says he wants you tonight because I get that all the time. I just smile and flirt back because I don’t expect it to happen anymore. I used to always grab her and tell her I wanted her until she told me I was pleasuring her to have sex. I have stopped that and just remember to ask her how her day was and tell her she looks good in the least sexual way I can. I is like walking on eggshells with her. I don’t know what advise I can offer but I can offer a ear to listen and commiserate with you. Hang in there.<br />
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Hawaiiguy

Hello,<br />
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Well I don't know about the club you over the head and drag you off part but I think most men a very sexual. I am sorry you are in a marriage with a man that does not appreciate what he has. I have been with my wife for 17 years and we now have sex once every other month. We are both busy and have four children but I would always make time for that, but she is just not interested. I understand how you feel when he says he wants you tonight because I get that all the time. I just smile and flirt back because I don’t expect it to happen anymore. I used to always grab her and tell her I wanted her until she told me I was pleasuring her to have sex. I have stopped that and just remember to ask her how her day was and tell her she looks good in the least sexual way I can. I is like walking on eggshells with her. I don’t know what advise I can offer but I can offer a ear to listen and commiserate with you. Hang in there.<br />
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Hawaiiguy

I know exactly how you feel - I think I married your husband's brother. My husband makes me feel like a blow up doll on the very rare occasions he's in the mood. I have lost any interest in trying to make him interested in me.

exactly.where are those men