Before My Wife Creates Her Own Post Here...
I'd like to share my story and solicit some opinions. You know, before it gets to the point where my wife feels the need to create her own post here about being a woman in a sexless marriage. I think it's getting close.
We've been together well over ten years and married nine. I'm older than her by 11 years, and I was previously married. The first time we had sex, she was 19 and a virgin. Here's are our problems, and certainly I wonder if they're my problems:
My wife doesn't (says she can't) org*sm through intercourse. Never has. EVER. She's the only woman I've ever been with who has't org*smed while having sex with me. In the beginning of our relationship, I attributed it to her being a virgin. I was naive and thought if we worked together and as she matured sexually, good things would happen! I'm a sexual person and thought (proudly, sure) that I was an experienced lover. Related to this problem is the fact my wife can't stand when I go down on her. She says it's too intense, to the point of being painful. It's not because I'm always too rough or whatever. I tried everything and asked her to work with me and let me know what felt good and what didn't. She's not a big fan of manual stimulation by fingers either.
Over the years we bought a few toys. My wife says she never mast*rbated once until she became sexually active with me. She mast*rbates all the time now with her vibe and I'm happy to report she can org*sm using it. Very cool! But, this adds weight to my view the fact she's not being able to org*sm with me is likely a psychological rather than a physiological issue.
We've talked about it in the past, and I brought up (among other things) that it could be because she was raised in a devoutly conservative Christian home with a domineering father. (They still have issues and my wife is not religious like her family at all. She's very liberal and would agree she's likely Agnostic). We've also had fights about it. Anyway, the point is I wanted her to go together and talk to someone about it.
Not that long ago, I made the mistake of bringing some chocolate syrup into the bedroom and pouring it on her. She had no idea it was coming...I was trying to have some fun and change things up...surprise her. She freaked. Thought it was gross to bring food into bed for sexual fun. I really had no idea...we've been married ten years, remember? By the night of the syrup incident, our sex life had been reduced to, on average, once every couple of months. Some dry spells were 3 or 4 months easily. We both claim it was due to being tired, different schedules, work, school, and our toddler getting in the way, as we all know children usually do. Sure, we knew we had to make the time, but you know how it is. There's always an excuse. Even when dating or newly married did we have sex more than once week. Anyway, I'm sure she was masturabating, and I certainly was too. I have to get off every day, or I'm a bear. Seriously! Anyway, I finally blew up myself. I told her I was trying to improve our sex life and make it interesting. I could continue to sacrifice not being able to go down on her, but it didn't replace the fact it bothered me so bad that I can't make her org*sm or that she won't let me go down on her. I reminded her how much I love going down on a woman, it's my absolute favorite thing to do. Always has been. I told her I couldn't take it any more; it was just too big deal to me. I told her I viewed mast*rabation as something to augment a sex life not replace it. P*rn was better than going out and finding someone real...but, it was no longer getting me through. I told her she wasn't willing to go talk to someone about it and it pissed me off. She told me she didn't know what the big deal was. She doesn't need to org*sm to have enjoyable sex, and I always do, so it's my problem...my ego. She told me her idea of foreplay isn't going down on or fingering her. She just likes me playing with her hair or rubbing her feet to get her relaxed. And of course, something she communicated in the past, helping out around the house takes away stress and facilitates getting in the mood. I f**king get that, and have improved.
After all was said and done though...she was hurt and I felt like a complete assh*le. Things changed slightly between us that night...
So, where are we at now? I worked retail management...six days/wk. I was miserable with the committment and my work/life balance. So, we talked about it and both agreed change would be great. She encouraged me to quit and go back to school. We could afford it. I quit the end of last year, started school in January. I look after our toddler and go to school two days a week. She's a nurse and works 12's overnight, and goes to school one evening a week to work on her Masters. We still hardly have sex anymore. The last time was almost two months ago. We say we love each other and are affectionate. We both still think each other is hot. However, I think we're drifting apart, especially sexually. I now admit that j*rking off and p*rn has replaced sex with my wife. It's just easier. (I think she probably does too...mast*rabates 'cause it's easier).
I love my wife, but with the way things are, I'm miserable. I don't want to leave her, and to be honest, I feel trapped anyway. This is my second marriage already. We have a kid, a home, just started college and it's just too f**king complicated. I feel like I'm the one with the problems and not being fair. When we have it, intercourse with my wife is great (but, one sided to me...she never org*sms) and she gives amazing head (not every time, but enough to keep me satisfied, all things being equal). Yet, I find myself contemplating a FWB scenario or an affair more and more. I feel guilty and ashamed because sometimes I think the strong desire to go down on a woman is maybe what's coming between us. Yet, not being sexually compatable is a huge issue...isn't it? I know she's not happy either. She can't be. She says she would never leave me either, for the same complicated reasons. So, what do we do? Help me come to a right perspective on this. Opinions dammit!