Before My Wife Creates Her Own Post Here...

I'd like to share my story and solicit some opinions.  You know, before it gets to the point where my wife feels the need to create her own post here about being a woman in a sexless marriage. I think it's getting close.

We've been together well over ten years and married nine. I'm older than her by 11 years, and I was previously married. The first time we had sex, she was 19 and a virgin. Here's are our problems, and certainly I wonder if  they're my problems:

My wife doesn't (says she can't) org*sm through intercourse. Never has. EVER. She's the only woman I've ever been with who has't org*smed while having sex with me. In the beginning of our relationship, I attributed it to her being a virgin. I was naive and thought if we worked together and as she matured sexually, good things would happen! I'm a sexual person and thought (proudly, sure) that I was an experienced lover. Related to this problem is the fact my wife can't stand when I go down on her. She says it's too intense, to the point of being painful. It's not because I'm always too rough or whatever. I tried everything and asked her to work with me and let me know what felt good and what didn't. She's not a big fan of manual stimulation by fingers either.

Over the years we bought a few toys. My wife says she never mast*rbated once until she became sexually active with me. She mast*rbates all the time now with her vibe and I'm happy to report she can org*sm using it. Very cool! But, this adds weight to my view the fact she's not being able to org*sm with me is likely a psychological rather than a physiological issue.

We've talked about it in the past, and I brought up (among other things) that it could be because she was raised in a devoutly conservative Christian home with a domineering father. (They still have issues and my wife is not religious like her family at all. She's very liberal and would agree she's likely Agnostic). We've also had fights about it. Anyway, the point is I wanted her to go together and talk to someone about it.

Not that long ago, I made the mistake of bringing some chocolate syrup into the bedroom and pouring it on her. She had no idea it was coming...I was trying to have some fun and change things up...surprise her. She freaked. Thought it was gross to bring food into bed for sexual fun. I really had no idea...we've been married ten years, remember? By the night of the syrup incident, our sex life had been reduced to, on average, once every couple of months. Some dry spells were 3 or 4 months easily. We both claim it was due to being tired, different schedules, work, school, and our toddler getting in the way, as we all know children usually do. Sure, we knew we had to make the time, but you know how it is. There's always an excuse. Even when dating or newly married did we have sex more than once week. Anyway, I'm sure she was masturabating, and I certainly was too. I have to get off every day, or I'm a bear. Seriously! Anyway, I finally blew up myself. I told her I was trying to improve our sex life and make it interesting. I could continue to sacrifice not being able to go down on her, but it didn't replace the fact it bothered me so bad that I can't make her org*sm or that she won't let me go down on her. I reminded her how much I love going down on a woman, it's my absolute favorite thing to do. Always has been. I told her I couldn't take it any more; it was just too big deal to me. I told her I viewed mast*rabation as something to augment a sex life not replace it. P*rn was better than going out and finding someone real...but, it was no longer getting me through. I told her she wasn't willing to go talk to someone about it and it pissed me off. She told me she didn't know what the big deal was. She doesn't need to org*sm to have enjoyable sex, and I always do, so it's my ego. She told me her idea of foreplay isn't going down on or fingering her. She just likes me playing with her hair or rubbing her feet to get her relaxed. And of course, something she communicated in the past, helping out around the house takes away stress and facilitates getting in the mood. I f**king get that, and have improved.

After all was said and done though...she was hurt and I felt like a complete assh*le. Things changed slightly between us that night...

So, where are we at now? I worked retail management...six days/wk. I was miserable with the committment and my work/life balance. So, we talked about it and both agreed change would be great. She encouraged me to quit and go back to school. We could afford it. I quit the end of last year, started school in January. I look after our  toddler and go to school two days a week. She's a nurse and works 12's overnight, and goes to school one evening a week to work on her Masters. We still hardly have sex anymore. The last time was almost two months ago. We say we love each other and are affectionate. We both still think each other is hot. However, I think we're drifting apart, especially sexually. I now admit that j*rking off and p*rn has replaced sex with my wife. It's just easier. (I think she probably does too...mast*rabates 'cause it's easier).

I love my wife, but with the way things are, I'm miserable. I don't want to leave her, and to be honest, I feel trapped anyway. This is my second marriage already. We have a kid, a home, just started college and it's just too f**king complicated. I feel like I'm the one with the problems and not being fair. When we have it, intercourse with my wife is great (but, one sided to me...she never org*sms) and she gives amazing head (not every time, but enough to keep me satisfied, all things being equal). Yet, I find myself contemplating a FWB scenario or an affair more and more. I feel guilty and ashamed because sometimes I think the strong desire to go down on a woman is maybe what's coming between us. Yet, not being sexually compatable is a huge issue...isn't it? I know she's not happy either. She can't be. She says she would never leave me either, for the same complicated reasons. So, what do we do? Help me come to a right perspective on this. Opinions dammit!


CNYdude CNYdude
36-40, M
5 Responses Apr 5, 2010

Ok.. I really had the urge to comment on this, so i actually made an account on here lol. Ok so here is the skinny. <br />
1) I don't think ur wife is comfortable with anything sexual. She seems to find it slightly repulsive or dirty (and not in a good way). She was raised in a very tight (no pun intended lol) atmosphere growing up. I mean being perfectly honest here when i say its almost unheard of to wait till ur married to have sex anymore. So, she may feel insecure knowing that she is inexperienced in a way. However, I feel it is more important for a man to be experienced then the female. Sure, it helps to have a girl know what she is doing in the sack, but, it's much harder for a women to get off than a man. So, a man having knowledge of the "situation" if u will, is very helpful. <br />
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Great lovers aren't born, they are learned. <br />
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2) U r NOT at fault here. Your wife seems to shut down completely at the idea of even budging to let u a scrap of what u really want. Do people need to be sexually compatable?? Maybe... maybe not. Sure it would be totally bad *** if u guys were. But, there is nothing wrong with u two not being on the same page all the time. She needs to freakin chill out and branch out a little bit. U two r married, she is the last person u will be with (hopefully). She needs to realize she is messing up by not compromising with u. This can and will make or break a relationship. Seek help to be continued when i get home from work :)

It does make sense and I understand. My husband can have sex, but for some reason doesn't want it and won't talk about it with me. It's frustrating as hell when you want to fix it, but they don't really give you any illumination as to the problem. <br />
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It might have started out being just too self-conscious to let go and ******, and has just snowballed over the years until now she panics at the thought of doing it in front of someone else. <br />
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I wish you luck and hope she opens up to you.

Trust me it most likely has nothing to do with you. I have the same issues and have no idea why. No deep seeded psychological problems etc. She is telling you the truth that she still enjoys sex w/o the big O. My best suggestion I have would be relax and try and learn from her. As her again to show you how she masturbates. Tell her you want to learn from her. It feels to me like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself and her. I would definitely back off the oral sex issue for a while. Focus more on what does work!<br />
She is lucky to have a husband who cares so much.

@meerin:<br />
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Thanks for responding, I appreciate it! I absolutely agree with you 100% sex is give & take. As mentioned, I was naive early on but not any more. Obviously, over the years I've researched it (as she has too). I even asked my former family doctor, who is female! I understand what a **** is and how it works. I'm no rookie here but, at the same time, I don't think I'm Lance Romance in the sack either. Simply put, I know my way around a woman's body. I do understand some women don't ****** just from intercourse. I would sincerely be happy if we just had more sex at this point. I'd be ecstatic if I could be involved in any way that makes her ****** other than intercourse. She can have them! The only sticking point for me is wanting to pleasure my wife. That being said, while making her ****** is the ultimate way to make her feel pleasure to me (I want her to feel how she makes me feel...understand what I mean?)...maybe I just need to accept she is enjoying sex with me, even if she doesn't get off. How would you feel though if you knew your hubby can ******, but only does it after you've left the room? I hope this all makes sense, not just the last sentence.<br />
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Thanks for your candor also. But, we're at the point where I'm not allowed to go near her with my mouth. If I'm even kissing below her navel her guard goes up, she starts to stiffen up or squirm. I know she hates it, so I won't even try and she knows I won't. But, her guard still instinctively goes up. I've tried different techniques or suggestions, even yours which I've seen or heard before. Back in the day she'd let me try. Those days are over, I'm afraid. <br />
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As for using her vibe on her, she's not into it. We've tried that and it just got tossed to the side. You know, shortly after the chocolate syrup incident I asked her (like many times before) to let me use the vibe on her. Just that. I told her I just wanted her to try and relax and let me use it. Obviously letting me know what was good or if something wasn't. I've asked her before just to let me play with her hair and rub her feet while she uses it herself. No go. <br />
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Anyway, with all this being said, I really don't think the I'm the one not willing to compromise or have sex other than the way I want. As I mentioned in the beginning (and in my post), I'm not in denial that me making her come might be my issue...I'll give you that to a certain degree. As for her compromising...would you agree with this: I don't think she's being honest with me or herself. I think it's more a psychological thing as mentioned, not physiological one. Using your technique could work! She's clearly not comfortable enough to relax with me for some strange reason. She won't let me in the same room with her when she masturbates and ******* herself, let alone let me use a vibe on a night just for her.<br />
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I honestly don't know what the deal is when it comes to me. I'm not in denial or aware of what it is (even something outside our sex life) that has caused this. What I do know is it's a bummer.

Sex has to be give and take. Some women are satisfied without *******, so why is it such a sticking point for you? It's actually very common for a woman to not be able to come just from intercourse.<br />
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With the sensitive ****, I can understand. I love oral, but when my husband has tried to stimulate me with his fingers, he has always done it the same way and it's too rough to the point of not feeling good. A cl*t has all the nerve endings of a penis compressed into a tiny little nub. It doesn't take much to go from "oh god" to "oh stop". For a sensitive cl*t, flicking across it can be irritating. Try putting pressure on it. If you run your index finger across your middle knuckle, you want it so that your finger is actually moving the wrinkly knuckle skin and your index finger isn't moving very far. Are you open to her using a vibe while you two are having sex?<br />
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It sounds like you both want sex your way and aren't into compromising. Do you think she's be interested if you told her you wanted to set aside a night just for her, no intercourse, just touching her because you want to know what pleases her? Yeah, I know, total girl thing, but bear with me. If you let her know ahead of time it's about her, she'll relax. Just keep getting her feedback, try touching softer, firmer etc. and pay lots of attention to her body language. If she likes feet and back rubs, start with that to get her relaxed. Maybe a glass of wine if she drinks (but not too much. just like guys, too much alcohol can take away a girl's sensation down there).