Something Missing

Hi, erm i'm not sure where to begin really except i always knew i was different at school. no one else really talked to me and i kept very much to myself, i lived in my own world for years where i had a twin sister and we did everything together. i know every kid has there own bubble but mine felt so real it was like she was always there with me. when i hit teens i had to come out of my bubble and got hit by an unexplainable loneliness, often confined myself to my room and most of the time i couldn't even cry.
i became depressed and my mum never understood what was wrong, tried to explain it but she didn't understand, i started becoming detached from my feelings and in an attempt to feel something other than overwhelming loneliness i started to self harm (cutting) and for a time it made me feel better but it never lasted. i knew something was missing from my life but could never work out what. i often had dreams of going to school and meeting my long lost twin and being complete for the first time in my life but i knew it would never happen.
About 6 months ago my mum suddenly said out of the blue that i was a twin but she miscarried one of us, everything made sense to me then i just didn't know what to do about it. will the loneliness ever go away? i can't bring her back and it eats away at me every day, i've managed to stop the self harm but nothing seems to help, in my dreams she had a name i thought that might help but it doesn't. 
amber280392karone amber280392karone
22-25, F
9 Responses May 19, 2012

Hi Amber,
Getting older doesn't exactly numb the pain of loss, but you are better able to sort things out and look at them through a different perspective. I can remember many years ago, in my teens and twenties, where I would get so overwhelmed by things that I would respond in a very damaging way, either by cutting, or flipping out in a rage that I was powerless to stop. I had no control, just like I had no control over what happened to my twin sister and ultimately, myself. In the last 5 years I have thankfully, become able to look at things and no longer blame myself, or, if I blame somebody else, I can let it go. Things happen for a reason. The fact that our twins didn't make it onto this planet has something to do with the bigger picture of destiny... we are learning something valuable that will ultimately enrich our lives. It may not seem that way now, but I believe it will happen and you will have a beautiful, joyous life. I read the post from purplebunny and she is in the same boat I was in at her age... I was 12 and I felt that I had a twin who died before birth... I hold both of you in my thoughts. Crystal

Counseling doesn't help because I am too closed up and anti social. I might tell her after I have more facts.
I'm okay. Just alone. I know some twins, in fact my cousins are twins, but I'm too jealous to talk to them. I am just not trusty either. I trust barely anyone. I'm happy you found out what happened.

Hey Amber,
What you just said is almost identical to mine. I don't cut myself and I'm younger than 14, but I feel just like that. Empty, grieving, sad, depressed. And I'm younger than 14! I have always felt like I had a twin. I remember the womb and birth. The womb I remember something slipping away and at birth I remember looking for someone.
At the age of 2 I created an imaginary twin. But now, (A couple months ago) I felt an extreme loss. I felt guilty that I was born a singleton. Like it's my fault. I didn't tell anyone but my mum, and she put me in counseling. But I'm also very withdrawn and I won't tell anyone anything. I'm still in counseling, and the counselor hasn't any idea that I'm sad. She doesn't know what's going on because I won't tell her.
I've researched stuff and there is an illness called Vanishing Twin Syndrome. When this happens, one fetus dies within the first 12 weeks and sometimes the mother never knew she was carrying twins. I think that's what happened to me. My mum didn't get scanned until 18 weeks. But, I think that maybe that happened to you. I looked up the emotional symptoms and all of what I was feeling came up. I asked people and they insulted me, but maybe this happened. I have daydreams at school when I'm walking down the hall that my twin will just come running down the hall. All I can say is ask others. Ask your mum about all kinds of things. Sorry, that's all I can say.

hi there MM
I also had the same daydream of walking down the corridor/hall at school and meeting my twin there. i'm sorry people have insulted you for sharing your feelings but know that on this website you will not be judged no matter what.
my mum told me not too long ago (finally) that it was highly likely she miscarried a twin, she had some bleeding during pregnancy and went to the hospital. they did the tests and scans and found I was still there but one of the counts was too high and the only explanation was miscarrying a twin. I think it helps knowing for definite what happened. i find it interesting that you can remember things from the womb and birth, not many people can. I was born a few weeks early, I don't know how many but i was born by emergency c-section so in terms of birth i probably don't want to remember.
Do you find that counseling helps? I was sent to a school counselor which didn't help and another counselor which again didn't help but they practically laughed at me when I told them about the loneliness and my imaginary twin.
unfortunately my mum and I aren't very close so we don't talk much about this sort of thing. I am also very withdraw and can go for days without saying a word to anyone, the way i see it is if they don't want to listen then I won't waste my breath.
Hope you are ok

Hi Amber, sorry I haven't been online for awhile, just been busy with other things.
I'm glad you stopped cutting,its one of those things that helps for a short time but then you go right back to the old feelings, whether its anger, depression, etc. I try to stay busy and stay on my medication, that's really important. I had some episodes where I just forgot to take it, and it went on for several days and then I felt horrible, having weird intrusive thoughts that start taking over. I'm glad I can recognize the warning signs. I totally understand what you mean about things being a vicious circle. That's how my whole life was going for quite awhile. The good news is, it usually winds down. Sometimes getting older helps. It's like it gets out of your system. Crystal

Hi Crystal
I know what you mean about it being only a short term relief, and i'm happy I did stop. I'm currently helping a friend stop too but she is finding it a lot harder since she has been doing it for years longer than I did. Does getting older numb the pain of the loss or not? I feel like the feeling of loss isn't going to leave which can be overwhelming some days. I could say i'm lucky in a way that I don't have to take any medication but in other ways I think it might help, if the doctor actually listened to me it might help.

Yes, I had tremendous anger issues. For several years, I thought I would never get it all out of me. This all started right before I started cutting. I would feel the rage inside of me, but it would get to an extreme point way too fast. Light a freight train going out of control. Then I would start screaming, throwing things, etc. The whole thing would have to run its course until I would get totally exhausted and fall down. Would end up sleeping for almost an entire day afterwards. Nobody understood why I was doing that, or any of the other things I did, either. I believe the cutting came from anger, too, but also deep depression. It was weird how I always felt better after doing that, just for a little while. Thank God I stopped doing that (the cutting). The whole anger thing took longer to go away, but it finally did. I still get angry, but not nearly as much, and I can usually handle it in a more controlled way. Crystal

Hi there
sorry it has taken so long to reply we only got the internet back up and running today.
I'm glad I stopped cutting too looking back on it, it did control a big part of my life but although I hate to say it, I do still miss it sometimes. I get those days where I just think 'It would be so much easier to go back and cut again' but I end up trying to busy my mind with something else. What happened to you when you were angry sound the same as when happens to me, I just go from completely calm to boiling point in a matter of seconds and no outlet for it. It's like a constant headache. It would always get me into trouble at school, not because I was violent but because of my lack of concentration. At school I had a mantra for my school lessons 'Don't yell don't scream and don't hit anyone' it worked but then I wasn't focused on the work so I would get told off which only served to make me more angry, it was a vicious circle.

Hi Amber, I am the same way too, as far as having the 2 personalities and the medication doesn't seem to change that at all. I have my days(or hours) that i care deeply about others, want to help, etc., and then i can change and want to be left alone, not talk, especially mindless chatter. I work in a convenience store and sometimes I have to force myself to converse with customers on the most basic level. There was a period in time, not that long ago, that i really felt detached and dissociated from everyone. It was really terrible. Sometimes I honestly don't know which personality is the real me. They say that the twin who survives is the Alpha twin and the one who died is the Beta, or weaker. The theory is that the Alphas tend to take on the Beta characteristics and let other people be mean to them, bully them, etc. I have been on both sides, where I am aggressive and then I have shrunk back in fear. It can be very confusing, but I have learned to accept it more or less as just a part of me. I think a lot of depression comes from not expressing anger hold it all in, and it wreaks havoc. Did you ever have anger issues? Crystal

Hi Crystal, I've heard that the alpha or survivor takes on the weaker twins qualities too but like you I get both. I have always struggled with anger issues, when I was really young I was just aggressive towards my older sister and then my younger sister when she came along. Then I'd punch the garden wall until my knuckles bled, as I got older I realized that I shouldn't be punching things so I refrained from physical violence but the anger was still there, I would hit boiling point almost daily and it would feel like my head was going to explode. In the end I forced myself to cry it out but even though I was crying I didn't sob or make any noise I just sat with tears like it was the most natural thing in the world. the only time I didn't have an anger problem what when I was self harming. Did you have anger issues? Amber

Hi Amber, I read your story and I totally understand what you have gone thru, I had gone thru the exact same things, back in the late 60's early 70's, when nobody knew (or cared) what the hell I was talking about. Had anorexia at age 12 and also self-harmed at age 10 and somehow stopped but started cutting with a razor blade at 21. There was absolutely NO publicity or info about cutting, eating disorders or anything at that point in time. I thought I was the ONLY person in the world doing what I did or feeling the weirdness loneliness and total emptiness I felt. But I have noticed for quite a while now that wombtwin loss, eating disorders and self-harm all go hand-in-hand. I am so glad that things are out in the open now and there is so much information available that wasn't even thought about in the past. I still fantasize about meeting my twin, maybe not as much now, but I know she is always with me, which is very comforting. I believe your twin is with you, too. That's why it hurt so damn much that we couldn't physically be with them. Please write if you want, would love to hear from you. Blessings, Crystal

Hi Crystal,
I also had an eating disorder for a short period of time in my teens but I was lucky, I fell pregnant less than a year afterwards and it sort of shocked me back into sense and i'm thankful for that because i cringe every time i think of what i could have been like today otherwise. On the other hand I do feel bad because even though I have a child it doesn't change the fact that i don't care if I die and having a child I should care. Don't get me wrong I don't actively want to die but if I was told I had a certain amount of time to live, I wouldn't be sad or scared or anything, in fact I may even look forward to it. Sometimes I think about it and I wonder if anyone else knew would they think me a bad person that I wouldn't mind leaving my child without a mother? still even over a year after my mum told me she doesn't understand why I behave the way I do. My whole demeanor seems to change in seconds apparently, I can be happy one second and then depressed the next. I don't really understand it myself. Does this happen to you?

Hi Amber, I know exactly what you mean. My demeanor can change very quickly too, although I am taking medication (and have been for many years) to try and control that. I have very often felt like 2 people at the same time! Now I understand why that is. When I had my first child, I would swing back and forth in my emotions and I remember telling my parents I didn't care if I died either, although they kept saying it would leave my son without his mother, which I understood on some level, but it kept being a background thought nonetheless. I really think I had bad postpartum depression then, but it was the 70's and nobody understood it yet. That may be part of your issues. You don't say how old your child is, but postpartum can be diagnosed for up to a year after giving birth. If he/she is older, then you have ongoing depresssion that should be treated by a doctor. I would estimate that all wombtwins have a form of constant depression and/or mood swings. A lot of guilt plays into it too...I've had it all! You are not a bad person at all, Amber, you just have a lot of things going on at once. Medication really helps me, it would probably be beneficial for you, too. Just know you are not alone, and you have friends who understand. Crystal

Hi Crystal, My child is just over 2 years old but I did go to the doctors shortly after she was born and was told I had post natal depression and given medication for it but all it seemed to do was make me sleep all day. I went back and told him and he took me off of it and just left me to it. I went back a few months later about it again but he seemed very judgmental and like he didn't really care so I never bothered to go back again after that. I have often been told that I seem to have 2 personalities or that I act like 2 different people, one time I seem really cold or heartless and sort of have a wall between me and everyone else and seem very dominating. and another times i'm really caring and kind I want to please everyone and seem very submissive to anyone and everyone. each time this would happen I'd say 'this is me, the other one is an act' and then the next day then I was different I'd be convinced that was me instead. I gets on everyone's nerves a lot I think. were you like this or are you like this? how do you know which one actually is you? Amber

Oh, & by the way, you are a twin. So all you need to do is be in a good state of mind, seated in bed or somewhere quiet & relaxing & close your eyes. Your twin-intuition will tell you that she is with you. You should be able to sense her warmth & may even get 'butterflies.' She always was & always will be with you. You wouldn't have made it this far otherwise! All you need to do is aknowlege )typo( her very presence. Imagine if you were in her position. She misses & loves you too. Your pain is her pain & she feels happy when you are happy. It would be exactly the same feelings even if she was physically with you in life. You are practically one person afterall!<br />
Good luck to you

I am (in ways) really happy that you have been told that you have a twin. At least now you know for certain why you feel so alone. I does hurt to hear of a lost twin, but I am a positive thinker so, without sounding unsupportive of your unimaginable loss, I am happy that you have knowlege of your other-half because it gives the rest of us hope in finding the answers that we are looking for concerning our twins.<br />
Good luck to you. (both) :)