Foreign Beauty“Ai! Ai! Ai!” The fat, balding archaeologist with a severe case of molar gingivitis chuckled. “Look what we just dug’er up!”
“Ehhh!” His band of equally hideous imbeciles chortled.
“Is that Mulan?” the only sane person in the group asked.
“Alright, fellas!” The archaeologist screamed to the crowd of overzealous men. “What do we do now?!”
“FEAST!!!” The crowd roared back.
The careless archaeologist grinned and led his team back to the highway, leaving his findings uncovered…
The teenage boys ran into the fields. This was a competition and Jack was going to win it. He just knew it. Huffing and puffing, he reached the finish line. He mooned his friend as he reached the end of the fence. Another day, another victory; Jack loved this game called life. He was still busy grinning like an idiot when Jason approached him with a worried frown on his face. “Dude, it’s Jeremy. I think we lost him.” He cried.
“The only thing YOU lost is the race!” Jack teased.
“No, for real man,” Jason dug his hands in his pockets and kicked the moist dirt, “I can’t find him.”
The look of genuine concern on Jason’s face was enough to convince Jack that he was being serious. He slowly started walking back to the trail where they came from, gesturing Jason to follow him. The boys ran back to the woods and started frantically searching for their lost friend. The sun was starting to set in the sky. Drenched in sweat, with chapped lips and mud all over their skinny bodies, the boys were heading home empty handed. A sudden shriek emerged from the woods which made the boys stop dead in their tracks.
“W…what was that?!” Jack screamed his tone desperate and pleading.
Jason shrugged and started biting his stubby nails.
“Seriously, dude?! Our friend is out there in the woods all alone…you know he would make a delicious snack for a bear! And here you are, devouring your nails like a starving kid from Africa!” Jack angrily shouted at Jason as he started following the sounds.
The woods looked especially creepy when the sun was setting. The trees hovered above the boys like sky scrapers. The branches reminded Jack of the scarecrow witches his mother put out on their porch for Halloween. The cold February air seemed to have no impact on him as he was sick with worry about his missing friend. The smell of pine trees, moss & damp soil encompassed the air they were struggling to breathe.
As Jack approached the source of the sound, Jason exclaimed, “Oh my God.” Jack looked in the direction Jason pointed his bony fingers to. The sky had turned a dark shade of purple and it was hard for him to see clearly. However, even the darkness of the night could not cover her beauty. For there, in the middle of the woods, stood the most stunning woman Jack had ever laid his eyes on. With straight, long black hair that ran down to her knees, a petite figure, pale skin and full lips, this woman was the epitome of human perfection.
“Dude! You think she ate him or something??” Jason inquired. It was then that Jack was convinced that his friends were all intellectually inferior to him. Thoughts of him holding the radiant beauty in his arms and riding off into the sunset on his white horse were running through his mind. Screw his friend, screw his family and screw the world. This was his only purpose in life. He had to win her heart. Jack brushed his hair back and held his hand in front of his face to smell his breath. He fixed his clothes and slowly approached the beauty.
“Hey…you new here? Haven’t seen you around before.” He stated, immediately regretting his choice of words.
“Ni hao ma!” The woman bowed to Jack. “Ahh…you’re Chinese, aren’t you?” Jack asked in modern Chinese. He had learned some Chinese in school, he could handle this. “I don’t know where I am. I want to go home.” The woman replied in traditional Chinese. Jack smiled as he contemplated this. There were a lot of ways he could solve that problem. He bowed to the woman and gestured her to follow him. The woman hesitated at first, but later agreed. Jason stood with a look of sheer boredom on his face. In the darkness of the night, Jack slowly led them back to his house.
“Hello?? Anybody there??” Jeremy screamed in the dark tunnel. He had been stuck in it for the past hour. He fell in there while racing his friends and had been left there since.
“Ai! Ai! Ai!” A merry voice called out, “we are here and we care!” The careless archaeologist led his team into the tiny tunnel.
“Whoops! Gotta watch your step!” he chuckled as a field mouse ran between his feet. Jeremy happily stared at the jolly bloke. He ran to hug the merry men. The stench of beer and sweat made him back up a bit. “What the…?” The careless archaeologist shouted as he saw Jeremy. “Who are you and what have you done to her?”
“I am sorry, sir, but there seems to be a small mistake here. I am lost. I want to go home.”
“SILENCE! Fool! You ain’t leavin’ till you lead us to the fair maiden!” The careless archaeologist pulled a lollipop out of his beard as he spoke.
Thinking the men were either pulling his leg or seriously insane, Jeremy decided the only way to get out of the tunnel was to pretend to look for the woman.
“Alright. But first, you gotta get me out of this tunnel!” Jeremy followed the careless archaeologist and his band of muddled men back to the entrance of the tunnel. Being a frequent camper, even in the dark, Jeremy easily found his way back home.
“I have to go home to prepare food for the family!” The beauty stated, in traditional Chinese. Jason smiled and nodded apologetically. He had no idea what she was saying. The two of them were sitting out in Jack’s yard as he went inside to fetch some snacks.
“Ai! Ai! Ai!” The sound of the loud shout made Jason jolt. “There she is!” The careless archaeologist smiled and shook Jeremy’s hand. The woman, recognizing the men, sauntered towards them, her beautiful white gown flowing in the wind behind her. “Come, sweetheart! I’ll get ya home!” the careless archaeologist reassured the girl in traditional Chinese. The beauty smiled and waved at the boys. “…as for you, young chap, for all your help, I shall give you all of young workers salary for this month because I am an evil, greedy, capitalist pig who only cares about minimizing the investment and maximizing the profit! Besides, I have no moral obligation to share my fortune with these suckers anyway!”
“Yayy!” the drunken men hollered.
Jeremy’s eyes widened at the amount of money he received. $100,000 dollars, he could buy everything he ever wanted with that amount of money! He happily took his profits from the merry men and headed home. After spending half an hour in severe boredom in Jack’s backyard, Jason finally gave up and hobbled back to his shack.
“Jason?? Babe?? Where are you people?” Jack shouted as he brought the sick cans of soda and chips with salsa dip out.
“Ai! Ai! Ai! Refreshments have been served!” The archaeologist chuckled as his band of higgledy-piggledy men attacked Jack’s goods. Jack noticed the beauty standing right next to the archaeologist. He stared in her beautiful brown eyes and, once again, his purpose became clear as the cloudless sky that hovered above him.
“Ahem, what are you doing with the fair maiden?” he asked.
“Oh, her? She’s one of our subjects.” The archaeologist stated as his men started to head back to the woods.
“Wait!” Jason exclaimed “Where are you going? Can I come?”
“Sure, son! We need a new man anyway since our old one died. Besides, you look like you’ll make a great custodian!”
…and that’s how Jack Johnson got his job at the Merry Men INC. cleaning toilets for a living.