Pit’S Note Book Avalanche (Part 6)Bang ! Pit heard the sound of the closing mail box. The mail came as usual on this rainy mid February day 2013 in Toronto. He was back in his house after a long escaping trip that took him all over the world trying to lose track of himself. Again he lost everything, only the ability to write remained. All his bank accounts were blocked and all credit cards canceled. He lost ownership of his house in Toronto which he did not understand why at all, however he had to move within one week. All his on line friends left him for some silly reasons and some changed their profiles so that he could not recognize them anymore.
“Ruffus and anger,” he thought. “After all these years I am still weak and venerable. That is OK I will pay for everything as always." Everything that happened was very damaging, but it wasn’t the first time so he had gotten use to it.
“It is good to keep mind of the beggar all the time then you have nothing to lose,” he reminded himself.
The most difficult and hard to carry were thoughts and feelings about Mirabelle. He could not help much. He opened gates of his heart once truly, sincerely and she filed every particle of his space. He was marked forever and he could not and did not want to change anything.
“I am dying without her every second. I miss her so much,” he whispered. “I wish to hit myself to feel another sort of pain and overpower feelings of wanting her. I miss her in every breath.”
Source was contacting him through regular mail. Set of flyers and letters were giving him ideas where to go or what to look for. He went outside to the mail box and pulled all out his daily news. Among letters was a flyer about building materials.
Masonry bricks. The most solid materials in the world through the centuries. Solid and safe houses for everybody. Meet your local dealers in person to discuss details. Avalanche of all kind of offers.
There was a letter there as well inviting him to visit a writer’s pub a few streets away from his house in the coffee shop Mocca. He ignored all information as usual.
Only he knew that his actions saved the game. However nothing can be proof or denial in the world of spirit.
He decided to take a long shower and rested his mind and didn’t think. Long streams of warm water were walking over his body. Smell of lavender herbs burned in an offering dish filed the air. He entered his subconscious and read all the messages again.
He had a photographic memory. It was enough for him to see something once. He could bring any picture back in his mind in a form of vision and see all in slow motion or close up any detail in it, or view it again and again. He could alter as well any picture he wished or change sequence of events in it. He had stuck in his mind pictures from past, present and future.
He saw now his dream from the night before. He was dressing himself… Blue jeans, white snickers, burgundy turtleneck which he gotten from when he become a monk, long rain winter coat and his Siberian Russian hat. He hated the hat because he looked like an idiot in it and loved it because was very warm and comforting.
Next he saw his Chinese friend Bill for whom he had once worked for awhile.
Bill owned a few buildings and stores with Chinese memorabilia in Toronto. His way a doing business was: he kept telling customers that he is broke now and in the process of liquidation all his stores. He had big posters in every window of his store announcing: Liquidation, bankrupt, all must go, 80% off. All worked perfectly. Most of the people believed in his story and was buying his stuff. His success was ba
This guy Bill, asked once Pit to move one of his stores from one location to another. Really nice traditional Chinese stuff: wicker baskets, fabrics, all kinds of old dishes and statuettes, chests, swords, classical Chinese furniture. He was laughing about Pit and his beliefs, but he was an old senior citizen that it did not matter.
He was saying, “You are Buddhist and you all the time om mani padme (Chenrezig mantra of pure compassion) but you not om mani padme in life,” and he laughed singing - “Pit Pit, pity pit and his fancy car”.
So Bill called for Pit and his dodge caravan and offered him a job. They met in one of Bill’s stores with windows covered, all covered with newspapers and posters of liquidation. Main window on inside was plastered with Toronto Star daily newspaper. There were articles there and pictures about visit of Dalai Lama in the city giving Kalachakra improvement. Kalachakra are profound teachings of time and space travel through opening of secret mandalas.
Bill welcomed Pit standing in a front of his store with his thumbs hooked into his belt and pants laughing:
“Hahaha Pit, Pit and his fancy car. Listen the job is very simple. Do you see this room?” he showed Pit the main room in the store. “I have some stuff here,” he added. “You empty this room and I will pay you 40 bucks, cash. How about that? “
“40 bucks,” thought Pit,“ Looks maybe like 4 trips, one hour per trip, 10 dollar per hour - me plus car.”
“OK. No problem,” said Pit. “Let’s do it quick as I have some other jobs pending,” he lied.
“Such a busy man. Such a. Busy. Man,” replied Bill.
Old man was surrounded by a strange group of helpers. There were 5 or 8 men all together who seemed to behave like they were mentally challenged. They talked to themselves all the time and looked like they were not present in the space where Bill and Pit were sitting. However they displayed enormous respect to Bill. You could feel like he almost owned them and they were falling apart in front of him out of kindness and obedience. Bill did not talk much to them or almost nothing at all, but they were coming and telling him about things done or with some questions, like there was some dialog going on behind the scene. They were huge people and very protective of Bill.
All the strangeness of the situation did not bother Pit much. All he wanted was his 40 bucks as soon as possible and move on.
Pit started carrying stuff from one location to another. The traffic was terrible, each load was taking almost 3 hours - load and unload and carry. Plus nobody was helping him much, nobody care at all about him and his task. Pit became very frustrated. Baskets ripped the entire interior of his car and the stench of mustiness in his vehicle during the time when he was carrying each load was killing him.
Stench and mad, mad viscous traffic drained him totally. Plus there were stairs, actually 24 of them leading to the ba
“I would like to get my 40 dollars,” he asked as polite as he could but it was rough.
“Sure, sure, “said Bill and pulled money from the drawer placing it on the counter top. He had a wide and long tray in front of him filled with sand. He took one of the chop sticks standing in the wooden cup on the side and drew some letters or words in the sand. After that he went over them with his hand and mixed the sand and… PEACE exploded in the space.
Pit left the store feeling kind of he was bump off through all the experience not taking anything with him. He saw the car with its devastated interior and he went mad again but he immediately saw the kindness of Bill’s hand mixing the sand and again peace took all over on even deeper level. As much anger as it was there that much deeper in peace he was driving. Pit worked for Bill for a year and there was no one thing or feeling or anything which Pit would love and cherish and wanted to have it, possessed or hide for himself which Bill and his work ethics would not demolish. All with the same results - PEACE.
* * *
Sand purification practice after Ruffus attack worked perfectly.
Letter A, Ahnashte and Symbols caught all the dirt and dust and erase them from the field, purifying all the obscurations. Pit discovered as well something new about himself…A pattern of static aggressiveness and enjoying echo ripple effects on others. He knew at that point that he needed a long retreat to work with his ugly side.
“I have to embrace the truth that God will never punish you because of my suffering,” Pit understood the root of his obscuration. “God is not about punishment at all, otherwise he will never have sent his son to earth. Jesus died for sins of others to make them free from it. He took all the sins of others and died for them as the most accomplished Bodhisattva. He washed in his blood crime of Adam and Eve. No more first sin, you are back in paradise, you can walk naked again and don’t feel ashamed. What are you waiting for? Your mind is free, no more ground for sin or you don’t understand Christ message.”
He wrote down story about his new discovery and posted on Express Yourself site being sure that this will bring positive results ba
Pattern of behavior
I was always responding to all my messages.
Now I decided to change that and this is why.
I discover something very surprising about myself - my static aggressive side. Now I am sure that I was aware about this all the time, but I viewed it and explained it to myself differently. The root of my misunderstanding came from my old school way of thinking. At some point when I experienced a lot of injustice in my life (doesn’t matter who caused it, who was guilty of it, if I was right or wrong, whether I could do something about it or not) I tend to think:
Now I am having all of that but God will punish you for my suffering. You - who caused all of that, you will be punished.
It didn’t matter if you were responsible for my suffering or not, as long as I thought you were.
It developed later into this pattern of thinking in that way.
Establishment and development of pattern:
When I meet somebody new on my path I was offering myself totally. I was displaying my pure and unconditional love most of the time.
When expectations of the other side arose, I was not sure how to deal with them, thinking that I already offered all that I had. Kind of one meal cooking by me with teasing by the taste and creating cravings of the other for more and not knowing any other recipes besides the one I had just served.
I felt or I find out disappointment of other side because of not giving more and separation began.
I felt like other side - because of what happened - wish me bad and would be happy if I would fall down.
When I would have a bad day and all the messages sound like confirmation of thinking that the other side is content and happy because now I am down, I was becoming very agitated.
Why and what would I think?
I would think that senders of messages think about me like that - That is great. What a sweet punishment. He can feel now as I felt when he let me down.
Now because all is more like paranoia and can’t be proved and I don’t wish anyone anything wrong as I am just upset because of the way how I think and believe that I would just bite my fingers and suffer in silence.
My beliefs are ba
Because of all the thinking and events above, it transformed into other complex thoughts and behaviors.
Like I believed that when I had a bad day and I had a reason to think that you caused it. Plus I may have had reason to think that you did cause that I believed that next you would have a bad day after my bad day, exactly the next day. It goes along with the pattern of God punishing you. Then when I had bad day and I thought that you were the cause of it, and I had reason to think that you had the reason to do such a thing, and you would send me a message that you were doing fantastic and were so happy on this day when I was down I would accept it peacefully.
However what I was doing.
When I would think that you are having a bad day and it is punishment from God because you did something to me the day before (which I believe it is, what it is but at the same moment knowing that it is paranoia) I would send you a message on that day when I am good and when I think that God is punishing you with a bad day because of my suffering. I would send you a message that I am doing amazing and I will ask you how amazing you are today? Which starts the endless pattern of behavior and thoughts which become a total paranoia and waste of time. For that reason and the reason of improving myself as a human being I decided to stop that behavior. I hope thinking will go away too. Please don’t be surprised when I will have a great day but I will not respond to your message trying to stop paranoid behavior out here. I hate that pattern and I want to get rid of it. For sure I will message you when I will feel safe that I am motivated only and all by good. Thank you for understanding. The good news I have very rarely bad days. So far this year I had maybe like 3 worse days, but It have not had bad a day so far this year.
* * *
Echo of Pit’s shout came back to him in a set of strange events. His closest friends reached out to him in the most loving manner and he felt deeply their pure feelings and enjoyed beauty of their minds.
At the same time for a few days he was receiving messages, quite innocent ones about how change is obvious and natural and necessary and that good Buddhist should be strong enough and ready for it and that all is for the better.
It was quite ironic in a time when he lost his cave and his chair was violently thrown onto the street. Exactly at the same time when he was violently attack some lady on Express Yourself site where he was posting his stories was commenting about necessity of unconditional love and being thankful for those who give you a chair. She was of course appealing as anonymous. How any other way could she escape responsibility of her words? She claimed to be exploring Japanese culture and was showing herself with no face from behind wearing Japanese traditional kimono. It was even more ironic because Pit was in total admiration for Japanese tradition believing that it is one of the most powerful ways to achieve enlightenment.
Some time ago he had a firing spiritual conversation with representatives of different Buddhist order about which way is the fastest in achieving self liberation. It happened in Vienna during a multicultural conference. It turned into a conversation about which sword is the sharpest in order to cut through ego clinging.
There is a common believe in Buddhism that in order to reach state free from suffering you have to let it go, all ego clinging in form of attachment. No clinging of ego, equal No attachment. No ego equals No suffering. Result - Enlightenment. Some of the Buddhist methods, practices do that mental spiritual process of cutting all ego, clinging and letting all attachment go away and liberating yourself instantaneously. Therefore metaphor of cutting the ego with the sword or knife and which one of the tools is the sharpest was valid argument. Basically it was coming to stupid conversation which way is the best. He claimed that Japanese swords are the best and he was sure that he won this debate.
However after that whenever he was to about to lose all or just did, he was receiving messages about Japan and deep cut and that all is for the better. First he found that kind of behavior out of Buddhist fr
Exactly at that time he led conversation with very kind British senior citizenship on the same site. They talk about nonsense of war and about faith. Pit brought example of Pope which was in his thoughts and dreams for a few days. Two days after these two exchanges he found out that the Pope left his chair. Immediately it brought to his mind prediction about future which his grandma was repeating to him over and over again. The only one prediction which she ever mentioned.
It was Sybille prophecy which stated that it will be white Slavic Pope and next it will be the black Pope who will resign and after that it will be big explosion. After explosion as she said people who will walk on the desert will kiss the marks of other human’s foot on sand if ever they will find one.
“I hope that is just my imagination,” ponder Pit.
He went on Express Yourself to see messages and activities of others. He got 3 new friends.
One of them offered him part time job for The New York Times. It did not sound serious and was very unprofessional so he decided to wait and see what will happen next. It raised some suspicions because it was about New York which he was supposed to protect and some facts like numbers and names sounded too familiar and were part of his story.
Next he checked on some lady who was claiming that she knew his mother and that she met her a few times in Toronto. She was a poet and writer and she was explaining that she is a very close friend of the family. Basically what she was saying that she was in love with him and she has a lot’s of money and if he is interested he can join her anytime he wishes. She was living in the U.S. across Lake Ontario around 4 hours drive from Toronto. It sounded too good.
The last one who awoke his interest was a 26 years old girl. In her profile he found that she has interest in corrupted cops and violence. She loved violence and dirty games. When he asked her how her violent side appeared she said that she read the stories and collected data. They talked for awhile sending messages back and forth. She was constantly coming with information that she has not enough tokens to send any pictures. It was strange because he did not ask for any. Pit understood what she was saying. She was asking about money and she had some information. She advertised in her profile that she is very submissive but she tried dominated conversation and directed him to other sites for more information. He knew that this is a trap. However he accepted her offer and introduced her to secret source where she could send safely any information and gets paid.
She answered, “Wait. In time.”
He checked everything all again. It was no other leads to follow.
“Ruffus where are you?” asked Pit looking in all reports. He packed all his stuff and left the house dressed as he was advised to in a dream. It meant that he recived the message. He knew of a small library next to an abandon Masonic Temple 15 minutes away from his place. He did not know why he is going there but he was sure he has to be there.
On the way to library birds attacked him again.