It's 3 am on my 33rd birthday and I'm dreading daylight. I've never been one to celebrate my birthday--my mom ate a bottle of Tylenol on my 7th & my nanna passed on my 9th. My idea of a good time on my 16th was a 12 hour shift at the Y. My 21st saw me in bed early because it was the night before I began my senior internship. Still, I have never been depressed around my birthday. It is just a day. It's the year ahead that used to excite me.

This time I feel just plain old and forlorn.

To explain, I need to back up. I had an uneventful childhood and a miserable adolescence. I always knew that high school was not going to be the best years of my life. I went off to college, which was like another 4 years of high school.

In college I got married and life began. In my 20s we lived & worked abroad, bought our first house, and traveled. We moved 10 times before we moved to Hawai'i when I was 27. Hawai'i was a place like no other. Perpetual summer, surfing, biking, swimming, SUP. For the first time ever I had a sense of home. I was in amazing shape, had a phenomenal support system from my hanai family, and a good job. The year I turned 30 was the best year of my life.

I used to say best year, so far. Now, I'm not sure anymore. Since my 30th year, I feel as though I have fizzled out. We moved from Hawai'i shortly before my 31st. At 32 we had a baby and I love him. My husband and I are on autopilot. We've moved again and I have put writing my Masters thesis on hold while struggling to balance work, baby, hubby, chores. I guess I am not that optimistic about the year ahead.
SUPnswim SUPnswim
36-40, F
3 Responses Aug 30, 2014

I have faith that the spark will come back for you. You sounds like a wonderful person with a lot of passion. Things will feel right again.

My mom died on my 38th birthday so I feel ya. Hope **** gets tight and right for ya.

well be happy om your birthday that it aint worse or that you havent the need to eat pills like your mother did.