New to This..still Unsure

I'm only 20 years old, so I'm fairly new to this whole "lesbian" term. I honestly dont know if I'm really a lesbian or im just bi. I've had these feelings for woman/girl since I was little. My first kiss was with a girl but I was like 7 or something so I chopped that up to curiosity..then in the 5th grade I had this HUGE crush on a girl that was in my class I didnt really understand what was going on though, at the end of the day I chopped it up to, that I just "admired" her, she was a cool person and I figured I just wanted to be like her..lookin back now..not the I had always found excuses for these feelings or incidents I had, but finally when I was 15/16 it was kind of forced out of me..

I met two girls and we became good friends. Ill call one Sara and one Tyeisha. Sara was the more outspoken one and kind of came out to us that she was bi/lesbian, but me and Ty (not even knowing at the time we all shared this in common) kind of dismissed it..weird enough though Its like all us meeting kind of just happened by fate and brought things out in us we'd been fighting for years. Anywho back to the story, Tyeisha and I grew closer and it was weird, all these feelings I was forced to kind of deal with, I liked her alot more then just a friend and one day I kind of told her how I so many words (what i actually did was told her I had a crush on somebody and liked them a little more then I probably should have and didnt know what to do about it..she knew exactly what I was talking about and ended up telling me the same thing) That was kind of like my AH-HA like the light finally switched on that the connection and chemisty we had it wasnt just me, and things I had felt in the past..couldnt just be explained away anymore..And for almost  2 years (eventhough it was a long distance thing) I was the happiest I had ever been, being with her in a sense. Because I was finally being me..but then life got in the way, mistakes were made and it ended. (She is 7 years my senior by the way) it was all very heartbreaking for me and even now we're like the best of friends..I still have very real feelings for her..but she's back in mens land , and its like all that never happened for her, she's obviously still attracted to woman, but it just seems in the sexual sense now that she doesnt or would never have a relationshp with one..again..

Me on the other hand its not that simple..I definately can see myself being in a relationship with one, having a family and the whole nine yards (but im also attracted to men, just more so women). I love the passion, the sencerity the softness and just the sexiness of a woman. But I dont know if I'm a lesbian and just call myself bi because i'm afraid of the full commitment of that word, or not. But that whole experience with Tyeisha, made me open my eyes to alot of things that I had been hiding, but it seems as if, now that I finally have..I'm more confused then ever..

I didnt want to make this a history lesson so I shortened it I apologize if it doesn't make but thats where I am right now, confused and lost and searching for someone that can undertand me and maybe help me find my way..:)

BrittBanks88 BrittBanks88
6 Responses Feb 20, 2009

dont fuss with ur soul,if u like sexing with a girl go for it,when u think u long for a mans touch there is no harm there should not be labels like lesbians strs or bis justlive ur life as u want,now *** and give me a hug we shall see what do we like

Hello Lady<br />
How are ya ?!<br />
My name is Jovanka i'm 26 years old and i'm from the Netherlands but my parents are originally from Surinam (South America). <br />
As you can read in my profile i haven an online magazine that is called Lipless The Magazine (Lipless stands for Lipstick Lesbians) it's an online glossy for open-minded, bi-curious and lesbian women.<br />
My goal is to show the world a fair reflection of the world by putting beautyfull girls of colour in the Magazine. Right now i'am working with a translator to translate the articles from Dutch to English! <br />
<br />
I''m desperatly in search of support from my beautyfull black community all over the world ! Because i thinks it's important for (young) women of colour to know that it's ok to be gay! and that no mather were in the world you live there will always be some one who can relate to your story! <br />
So please joine us @ facebook and keep in mind the articles will be in English soon : <br />
<br />
Te website is :<br />
Hope to see you on facebook!<br />
With love Jovanka <br />
ps: I'm also searich for someone how would like to wright an blog on the website about being of colour and lesbian so if your interrested? pleasee let me know

I say make out with a few more lesbians and see how you feel! I have had friends that I dated as a teenager, not knowing I was gay, and they ended up dating nothing but men after that. Some girls are confused by attraction. I didn't even realize I was an out and out queer until I got into my first relationship. I wouldn't even come out then! It took several years, and several painful revelations to get to this point, and I think you should take the time to explore what you want. Find what will make you happy. The best of luck to you sweetheart.<br />
<br />

Yeah, I'm a man too. And I'm straight. And I'm white. But so what? Look, here's the way I see it. If it makes you happy, good. Be with women. Be with guys. It's all good. Do what you want on that level. Life is to be lived. And I'd tell the same to a guy who wanted it up the ***. Though in that case, I would rather not know about it.

BB... here's my 2p worth. Been around for 45 years nearly and this is the best handle on things i got.<br />
<br />
First of all, there is no such thing as totally straight or totally gay. It's a sliding scale (and we move around that scale at different times too). <br />
Everyone fits somewhere in between the two extremes and if someone tells you they are absolutely dead set straight or gay then they are lying to themselves (although they may have hidden it from themselves too).<br />
Extremes of one or the other with the TOTAL exclusion of all else is a warning sign of someone that needs to get to know themselves first.<br />
So, do away with the labels. Your human, and are surrounded by humans. Some good, some bad, some you want, some you don't. Gender isn't a whole lot to do with this. It's largely society and the foul trappings of religion that impose labels and shame. Happy, loving humans do not do this.<br />
So, my advice would be chill, take each day as it comes, enjoy your fellow humans in any way that makes you both happy. And don't beat yourself up over labels, gay, straight, bi or whatever. <br />
Try "I want to love and be loved." for starters and work it out from there.<br />
Hope you find some nice people to hold you on the way BB... 'cos in the end, after all is said and done, it's the love we will remember, not things, places, status, money... but love. And it doesn't matter what wrapper it comes in...

sorry cant really help there, am a man