Even Though We Wern't Married...

It was all planned, I had even finalised the seating arrangements and I had my beautiful white dress, it was perfect and I felt like a princess. We chose the cake, it had four teirs and was decorated with tiny pink icing roses. I never got my wedding day.

My fiance, who I had been with for 6 years, died in a car crash 2 months before our wedding. I will never get to use the term widow. People tell me I am lucky not to be labeled with this, but I feel like I have no title I am not a widow, someones wife, someones fiance or even someones girlfriend anymore. I am just me. Alone. I doubt being refered to as a widow would make me feel better but maybe I wouldn't feel so alone if I could belong somewhere. So I tell people I am a widow.

I also wrote this about my fiance and I read it at his funeral...
I miss the days when we used to stay up talking and kissing all night. I miss the way you used to look at me when we were in big groups of people...it was like we were the only two people in the world. I miss the way you always asked me if I wanted a cup of tea in the morning, even though I never did. I miss the way you were so tactless when I was upset, it always made me feel better. I miss that you used to ask if I minded if you played computer games everytime, even though i never did. I miss the way we used to debate everything we saw on the news or read in the papers and the way you would always take the opposite view point just to annoy me. I miss the way we would hold hands and walk by the river and you always, everytime used to pretend to throw me in. I miss our little dog and the way she used to squeeze inbetween us at night because she liked to be close to both of us, she isn't the same now your not here. I miss the way that you always thought I was the most beautiful thing in the world. I miss your green eyes. I miss all the things you taught me to do. I miss being at your parents house and them making fun of me. I miss your sister. I miss the feeling I got when I saw your name flash up on my phone. I miss laughing about our first date when I was 19 and you were 23 and you were so nervous and I got drunk, it was a mess but I fell in love with you instantly. I miss when you used to come in late from work and I was already asleep and you would try not to wake me but you always did. I miss warming my cold feet up on your warm ones. I miss my engagement ring. I miss our cold little Cambridge house and all the people that always stayed over, we were never alone there, it was wonderful.

I miss dreaming about our future and how we both wanted the same things even though our backgrounds were so different, you came from money and I didn't, but you loved me anyway. We wanted 2 children maybe 3. A house in the countryside, a mess at first so we could do it up and make it in to whatever we wanted. We wanted a few dogs, chickens, a pig. We both loved animals.

I miss you and I hate my life since you died I don't love any of the same things because they all remind me of you even the things you hated and made fun of me for like my taste in music. I don't want to be 25 and without the love of my life. I will never meet anyone like you, you were mine and you will always have my heart.
TigerLillies TigerLillies
22-25, F
3 Responses Jul 19, 2010

My heart goes out to you and the pain you must be enduring. It has been almost 2 months since I lost my soul mate and personal comedian. Life will never be the same especially when you had so many hopes and dreams for the future together. He died almost 1 year to the day we were married and are expecting our first child in December. I am so sorry your dreams were shattered and in such a shocking way, I'm not sure what is worse the shock or the grief that follows. <br />
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God Bless you and remember to take things one moment at a time.

I feel so much the same, I just want to die. I can't watch our soap anymore, coach figure skating with her, going on the ice is a nightmare & just everything we had. We lived together for 9 years & were engaged most of it. I am what a 'widow or widower' <which sounds like I am responsible for it), but yet not married but engaged widow. Huh? I feel like there is no box in life for me to check to which is exactly what I've also strived for but not in this way. How be alone? I feel alone no matter who I am with or where I am ~ without her. We had some real rough times & battles against the world & eachother which means so much more to me not to have my fellow soldier I could count on. I feel like maybe I should've just followed her, but most place I say that & bam could wind up on suicide watch. Which is what happened to her damn medication & suicide, etc. I am lost without her & dream that she is still alive or have some terrible nightmare & have to wake up from all this which leaves me completely out of the world that day. After 7 months I can only say that I don't have to remind myself she is gone in the morning, that is unless I have the dreams.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It has to be real tough and lonely to be without the man that you were with for that long.