It Never Stops.. But When Does It Get Easier?

I kinda feel terrible posting my story when so many other people have it worse than me but I guess I still need to let it out too sometimes. I have been widowed for two and a half years now. My marriage was far from perfect and we were heading for divorce but I feel like that decision was taken from me when I woke up on Jan 21 two years ago. My husband was dead next to me when I woke up...he had had a heart attack in his sleep. The shock of it was overwhelming. He had had health problems but were not expected to be fatal. All my family came to my side and were wonderful at first, helping me with arrangements and cooking for me..for a week or so. Then it was back to business as usual. But I was nowhere near business as usual. My husband had left me no life insurance and left me with a new house to pay for that we had built four months earlier. I had insurance for him but he did not fill out the paperwork for mine. On top of everything else two days after he died I found out he had all these messages in his phone from other women. I was so angry and hurt. One of them had even showed up to the wake and tried to give me a hug! My job I was going for a promotion at and was doing so well at prior to losing my husband did a 180 degree turn and within three months I found myself on a performance improvement measure. Human Resources urged me to go on a leave of absence to save my job so I did but when I was ready to come back my job was not protected and they filled my position. I struggled to find work for a longtime as many have in this economy but I found a job in a different field that pays about half what I was making but at least its some money. My family and friends are rarely to be seen nowadays and I have put in effort to reach out to them. I feel so lost and alone and angry and sad. I am writing this from my home which is currently in foreclosure. I miss my husband and hate him at the same time. I am trying to join new things and make friends at work to try to overcome loneliness but its not enough when all the deeper connections I have had are gone. I am angry and feel abandoned by my family who have all gone on with their merry lives. I reach out and I am avoided. Iwonder when in my life I might find someone I can trust..and when things might turn the corner for me. I am always hopeful but the light inside gets dimmer and dimmer with every passing day. Will it get easier? I hope so.
Karmacomagirl Karmacomagirl
31-35, F
6 Responses Aug 28, 2012

I'm sorry for your loss. I would like to be a friend if you ever feel like talking.

Thank you :) I would like that!

I'm here now.

Am sorry for the loss. .. hugs
Be strong if not today there is tomorrow and that tomorrow will give you what you wanted past is past live in present live for you live for your kids show your relatives you better than them after all relatives are all ways here to pull down

In time it will get get better but you haveto be positive and strong. Keep moving forward.

I am sorry for your loss and your pain. My husband passed away about 3 weeks ago from a sudden heart attack, he had health problems, just did not see this coming. Same thing, family and friends gathered around and now I'm a lone for the most part. And in a way it is funny what crawls out of the woodwork during times like these. Although my husband and I had a good relationship, I still had to deal with old girlfriends trying to be supportive, ex wifes that were down right nasty and rude about his passing and even my ex husband did a dance and did not hide the fact he was happy over my pain. People like the girl that approached you can be ignorant during those times. What I have realized is your not alone in this. You really are not alone even in the darkest hours. With everything that has happened to you, realize you, yourself have changed in many different ways. And trying to connect backward just may not happen for you, because you are different now, your life is different. Honestly and in your whole heart forgive yourself and forgive your late husband for the turmoil that was in your life before his passing. I do believe holding on to the bad memories, anger of what could have been and the position you found yourself after your husbands passing, maybe holding you back. It was not your fault, it was not his, it just happened. You have a lot of life a head of you, you may never forget what has happened, before, during and after, but consider this, giving yourself a gift of foregiveness and find a peace inside of you. Build a life you would only dream of having, include the people that lift you up and relationships that the new you values the most and just go for it. It will get easier, by letting go and finding the peace inside of you, I believe doors will start opening for you in places were right now you are finding avoidence. They may not be the doors you think right now you should have, but it will come and in time you will have a beautiful life.

First, I am so sorry for your loss and for the hardship you are enduring. I too lost a husband and am feeling, 6 months later, that I am still punching under water - carrying on physically, but making little progress. I also understand the feelings of anger, hurt, disappointment, confusion, abandonment and rejection from friends and family - they do not mean you ill, they just don't know how to help, are overwhelmed with the impossible task of helping you through something they have no answers for, and are dealing with the loss the best way they can - in ways it is hard for us who mired in our own grief to understand. <br />
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Find or stick with any friend or family member willing to walk with you on your journey now, through its ups and downs. Things will get better - they have to. You will become better at making decisions, seeing your way through. It is a slow, verrrrry slow!!! but sure, incremental process. There is only one way to go - up from where you are.<br />
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The road you are on is tough on all levels, no doubt. There are few words to ease your pain or the little senses of loss you feel from all angles or the very real challenges you face. But know this - you are not alone and you will overcome. You have more strength than you know. You can endure this dark valley and come out the other side into the light. It is not easy to 'join our club', this season of widowhood, but you will become a more evolved person as a result - better, wiser, more loving, with more insight than most. Wisdom, my Dad says, is always expensive because we pay with time, treasure or tears. But it is always worth it.<br />
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Stay positive, expect the best, be encouraged - know you have someone praying and supporting you, wishing you well.

Thank you for your kind words. You're right I'm sure my family doesn't quite know how to handle my situation so they just kind of look the other way..but doesn't mean they don't care. Anyways hopefully things will turn around sooner than later. :)

I am sorry for your loss and for how hard your life is right now. Things will get better. Hopefully sooner rather than later. -Sunny

Thank you Sunny. I try not to lose sight that other people have it harder but sometimes you just have to vent! I appreciate your kind words.

Well, there is always someone out there with a worse story, but you are right, it does help to vent. It has to be better eventually. At least that is what I am going with.-Sunny