It Never Stops.. But When Does It Get Easier?
I kinda feel terrible posting my story when so many other people have it worse than me but I guess I still need to let it out too sometimes. I have been widowed for two and a half years now. My marriage was far from perfect and we were heading for divorce but I feel like that decision was taken from me when I woke up on Jan 21 two years ago. My husband was dead next to me when I woke up...he had had a heart attack in his sleep. The shock of it was overwhelming. He had had health problems but were not expected to be fatal. All my family came to my side and were wonderful at first, helping me with arrangements and cooking for me..for a week or so. Then it was back to business as usual. But I was nowhere near business as usual. My husband had left me no life insurance and left me with a new house to pay for that we had built four months earlier. I had insurance for him but he did not fill out the paperwork for mine. On top of everything else two days after he died I found out he had all these messages in his phone from other women. I was so angry and hurt. One of them had even showed up to the wake and tried to give me a hug! My job I was going for a promotion at and was doing so well at prior to losing my husband did a 180 degree turn and within three months I found myself on a performance improvement measure. Human Resources urged me to go on a leave of absence to save my job so I did but when I was ready to come back my job was not protected and they filled my position. I struggled to find work for a longtime as many have in this economy but I found a job in a different field that pays about half what I was making but at least its some money. My family and friends are rarely to be seen nowadays and I have put in effort to reach out to them. I feel so lost and alone and angry and sad. I am writing this from my home which is currently in foreclosure. I miss my husband and hate him at the same time. I am trying to join new things and make friends at work to try to overcome loneliness but its not enough when all the deeper connections I have had are gone. I am angry and feel abandoned by my family who have all gone on with their merry lives. I reach out and I am avoided. Iwonder when in my life I might find someone I can trust..and when things might turn the corner for me. I am always hopeful but the light inside gets dimmer and dimmer with every passing day. Will it get easier? I hope so.