So, My Story... Do I Really Want To Share It? No. Do I Need To? Yes.Well, I'm 18, my husband was 18. That says a lot right there. Many of you probably think you've got a naive, narrow minded, know it all teen joining the group who thinks she had true love and in reality knows nothing about it, but I promise you that those of you could not be more wrong. Sorry. LOL
I can sort of agree that most teens don't know what they're talking about, I can barely stand listening to my college friends talk most of the time, but don't underestimate all of us, I've been through a lot and my husband and I are very wise souls, at least for our age.
My husband, Billy, and I became best friends the same day we met, when we were 8 years old. We became inseparable. We even grew up teased by other classmates, school staff, friends, and family that we'd wind up together some day, and neither of us ever minded that idea. There was something there from day 1, we almost never spent time with anyone other than each other. We started dating at 14 and made it official/public at 17... We had enough gossip about us in a small town as just friends, we wanted to be able to have fun without anyone getting in the middle.
We went through everything together, and I don't mean your typical, everyday issues. I mean issues like severe injuries, my sister is schizophrenic, my dad's a crazy abusive jerk, and the list goes on and on.
About a month after Billy's 17th birthday he was diagnosed with stage 4 synovial sarcoma – a rare, mysterious, and sneaky form of cancer. He stuck it out as well as he could and we thought he had a chance. Almost a year after diagnosis we went to our senior prom, and the fact that he was able to go was remarkable. Afterward we went directly to Wildwood, NJ for a little weekend getaway and on the limo ride there... He proposed. We decided that with everything we had been through, which has been more than you could imagine, that if we could get through his cancer we could get through anything. The decision was that once he was no longer sick we would make the engagement public. He wanted to ask me again then anyway because he felt it wasn't fair for me to make that decision final while he was sick, although I told him that "yes" was and always would be my answer.
That was 6 months ago... And 2 months ago, on October 19th, I received a call from his mom telling me that they were just told that he was going to go on hospice. It was out of the blue, we had no idea that was coming, especially not so soon. He had battled for 16 months.
- Believe it or not, this is keeping it short, but please read-
Well, I left college (at Penn State University) to go stay with him.
I got home the next day, two buses and a train later, and I stayed by his side as often as I could handle. We took shifts watching him at night... All of the days and nights blurred together. He was hooked up to oxygen and was on a million painkillers as we watched his breathing get more and more labored and his mind become more than shot... just delusional.
The first night I was there he woke up, looked at me, and said, "I need you to promise me something… Promise me you'll never give up on love." I just started balling as I hugged him, I could only get "Sorry" out of my mouth… For what he had been through and was going though, because he couldn't fulfill all of the amazing dreams he had, because I couldn't do anything about it, and because I didn't know if I could keep that promise… at least not in the way he expected. I'll never give up on love, because I'll always love him and will always pray that I'll see him again someday… when this rotten life is over, but when he said that he meant to try to love someone else… He only ever wanted what was best and he actually always knew what it was. Do you remember when your parents would try and do what's "best for you" and they wouldn't always know what that was? He always did. While he was sick he was only worried about everyone else and I asked him why and he replied, "I don't matter as much." I hate that he said that, but it shows you what an unselfish person he was. He was an angel on earth, a gift and blessing to everyone who was lucky enough to meet him. He had a Make A Wish and wished for his little sister's wish to come true instead of his.
After a few nights I noticed something was on his mind, something he was holding back from telling me and it turned out to be exactly what I had expected... When he was on the car ride home from the hospital, after deciding to go on hospice, his mom asked him what was the last thing that he really wanted to do before he died. He answered that he wanted to marry me.
They kept it quiet because they decided it was unfair, for me to marry him right before he died and be a widow at 18. I decided I didn't care, I loved him and we should get married, we should be able to do at least one big thing we had always dreamt of. I knew that, honestly, it would give me a little peace of mind. So, we decided it would happen. I will never regret that decision.
Later that day a lot of family gathered into the house to visit and my mom went into the room with Billy where he asked her permission for my hand in marriage. He came up out of the room with still only him, his parents, my mom, and me knowing what would happen later. He came and sat next to me on the couch, which was a very hard thing for him to do and took a lot of effort. We sat there, laughing as our parents took pictures as they knew what was about to unfold… they had planned it out back in the room before when I wasn't there. He went to get up and go downstairs and I thought he was just using the couch to help him get up (Billy liked to do things on his own). But, then he got down on one knee and did the official and public proposal with a ring and everything! I did not expect that! I did not care about a ring and he knew it. The entire room was shocked and so happy, his 12-year-old sister's jaw dropped and she had a grin from ear to ear.
I met with my priest the next morning and we got married with a few hours notice.
After the ceremony we brought him back to his bed downstairs. I was sitting on one side of the bed, still in my dress, and his step-mom was standing on the other as he began falling asleep. Then, all of a sudden, he started dancing… doing this little jig in the bed… what we always called "The Billy dance." So, his step-mom exclaimed with a laugh, "Billy! What are you doing?" and he replied very braggingly, "I'm married." You could hear the happiness in his voice. His only wish from there on out was to be buried with his wedding ring. The next day he was in too much severe pain and had to go to a hospital's hospice unit via ambulance. I stayed there that night with his mom, dad, and step-mom. He passed away in his sleep the next morning, Saturday, October 27th 2012.
I miss him so much, and, in all honesty, don't know if I can do this without him, but I guess I can try. We knew each other better than we knew ourselves; we were a match made in heaven. People try to comfort me by saying all different things, including "at least he's not suffering anymore," but he shouldn't have been suffering to begin with, especially with the beautiful, pure soul he had. The only thing that comforts me today is that he left a happy man, and it's a bonus that I was able to make him happy. <3
At this point I'm very lost, but his family has been my silver lining. He left me with blessings. I now have a real dad... his dad, and two new moms on top of the one I already had. Along with new parents from his family, everyone else has adopted me in as well… I have a little sister, new cousins, many new aunts and uncles, and new grandparents. I love all of them. They're part of the package now.
So, that's pretty much my story of what happened. Thanks for reading this far!
Now, here's why it's even harder than you'd expect for me right now.
Billy and I had our entire lives planned out and we were exactly alike! I can't even explain to you how obvious it is that we were meant to be, our entire town rooted us on. Anyone could tell you that we were meant to be, that he should still be here. Due to that, I no longer believe in fate or destiny.
We knew what our careers would be, we literally designed our house, we knew how many children we wanted and what their names would be... the list goes on... It's horrible because I can say that when he died so did my dreams. Now that might sound a bit dramatic, but remember we met at 8 years old and truthfully my dreams sprouted off of his, his dreams were the foundation and inspiration for mine, without his mine can't really hang on too well and so I really don't know where to go from here.
Now here's the dilemma that's on my mind the most lately, help me out if you can...
Before Billy started treatment his spurm (spelt wrong purposely) were put into a spurm bank run by his hospital's cancer unit. They're supposed to remain preserved as long as it's paid for (by his parents btw). While Billy was on hospice we talked about that and he decided that I was allowed to have his kids if I wanted to. I asked him if he'd really be ok leaving this world knowing that he might have kids here in the future and he told me that as long as I was the mom and his family was included as they're raised then, yes, he was ok with it. So, we discussed names, it took less than 10 seconds because our minds are that alike. We were always on the same wavelength I guess because we had the same name ideas. We discussed it with his parents afterward and they agreed that after I was done with college, had a job, and was pretty much stable on my own that we would discuss it again and when I was ready that they would sign the spurm over.
Now, being that he only passed less than 2 months ago, I still absolutely hate the idea of ever being with anyone else as I believe that he was my soulmate, my other half, and that there couldn't be anyone out there better for me. But, I know that someday I'll fall in love again and hopefully have some sort of life. Whoever that person is will have to accept my past, and so, they'll have to accept Billy and his family... my family. So, that guy should be ok if I decide that I want to have Billy's baby too, after I've already met him. That guy will have to obviously be a saint like Billy was, but in his own way. But I want Billy's kid(s) to grow up knowing who their father is, how amazing he is, thinking that their existence is a pure miracle and having faith that they'll meet him someday. I don't mind them calling someone else dad, but I still want them to know the truth too. I think they could only be proud to be Billy's kids after learning about him. If I were to raise them having a step-dad too young they would just be confused.
So, I think that I'd like to have Billy's baby on my own after all of the conditions set by his parents are met, but... Is it absolutely horrible to plan to raise a kid without a father, even if it might just be for a few years? Some ideas seem wrong, but others seem ok. I mean it's not right that Billy didn't get the chance to be the amazing father he would've been, so can you really say that anything should be a certain way? I haven't been able to stop thinking about this and I do realize everything that would seem wrong with the situation, but then I think that I grew up wishing I didn't have a father because he was so horrible. Everything he put me through is ridiculous. He left me so scarred and I KNOW that I could've been raised a lot happier if I were to have just had my mom, because my dad didn't take part in anything anyway. Now my 11 year old brother is learning to grow up without my dad and seeing everything that just happened in my life he has hope that someday he'll get married and have a new dad too. And I was always a bit of a tom-boy I know how to fish and hunt and build and could have plenty of fun with a little boy or girl. I think I could raise them right!
Also, Billy's kids would be sooo loved! Billy has a sister who is now an only child, a mom, a step-mom, a dad with no other kids, dozens of aunts and uncles, many grandparents, cousins who are as close as siblings, etc. His family is so loving too! And then there is my family on top of that; my 2 sisters, a brother, my mom, my grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, and a cousin. His baby(s) would be so loved! I believe they can be raised very happy, but is it right, should I wait to be with someone? I know I would have all of those people to help me.
It sounds selfish and I guess it is, but right now I feel as though I have nothing left, everything I ever wanted is gone, and the only reason I'm here is because I was born. But one dream has been spared. I've wanted his children for years, I've dreamt about it. And if he were to be alive right now we'd be planning to have a baby at about age 25. I don't want to move on to my future and act as if he was never part of my past, I couldn't do that. I want to be able to take his memory with me, not leave him behind. I don't want his kids out of sole obligation either, I want them truly because I just want them, because I love them although I don't even plan to be pregnant for years... I love them. The idea that I might have them is what's keeping me going right now, what's allowed me to hold on. But the thoughts are also twisting me inside. Should I just not worry about it and see what happens? I'm not used to having no plan and being lost like this.
So, after this long, possibly twisted, rant... What are the opinions and thoughts out there? Has anyone been through anything even a little similar in some way?
Please be polite in any comments, I'm going through more than enough.