First New Year Alone

Never did I imagine I would hate christmas and new was always such a happy time, but this year how years day tommorow, 2 weeks to the day that my soulmate was buried....the weathers been horrendous, bad storms, powercuts, so scary to be on my own...the worst bit is all I keep thinking is I cant go down to his grave, the kids aren't ready for that yet..I bet his flowers are blown all around, I bet his daddy plaque isn't there :( it hurts so,so much.....and its wonderful absolutely wonderful that I have his family telling me if i got back quicker he might have stood a chance...I tried so hard to save him, I couldn't get him down, he was just to heavy...I will never forget screaming at him..demanding he wakes up, slapping him, shaking him, trying so hard to lift him....I wont ever forgive myself for not getting back in time I certainly don't need people telling me, so **** happy new year...screw it, whats happy..stuck on an island in the middle of the sea freezing cold scared out of my wits, lonely, so,so tired, but hey ho...I best paint my smile on, best pretend its not falling keep going...keep fighting....keep failing
soulsearchingforever soulsearchingforever
31-35, F
6 Responses Dec 31, 2012

I am so very sorry. I hope you continue to feel his love surrounding you, and enjoy seeing his face in your children. Love survives all.

So sorry for your loss. My husband died in a car accident on September 7th this year and it absolutely sucks. We are all heart broken. I have 3 children and its just not fair. My daughter just got engaged. He should be here to walk her down the isle, my son turned 16 the next month and got his permit. He should be here. My youngest is 7 and has many things she will have to do without her daddy being here. I will pray for you because I know how you feel. It is so very hard.

The first year is the worst because it's the first without them. I'd like to say it gets better, it doesn't. My Christmas and birthday are still tainted by loss and its now the eighth year. These things change you, but you will begin to find strength. You are going to need it. The guilt, the loss, the grief will test you and your heart will harden. My mother died a couple of years ago and I never shed a tear, my father is going to die shortly (the hospital cannot treat the cancer now) within weeks and I feel nothing. Yet a memory of my passed wife still brings the tears. I can't help you except to offer you my deepest sympathy from someone who has been where you are. The only one that kept me breathing was our daughter, I knew I couldn't leave her to face the world alone. That is where my strength began.

the only thing keeping me going is my kids too, trouble is I cant help thinking they deserve better! whats the point anymore?

The point is that from you their memory of ther dad will live on and his legacy will live strong in them as long as you keep him in loving memory. I hope that you in them see sides of him and his love for you.

If I read your other stories correctly, there was nothing you could have done. People from teenagers to movie stars have died in similar circumstances, and there just is no knowing how long they were gone before being discovered -- anything more than a minute or so and rescue is virtually impossible.

People may do such things out of a sense of compulsion or excitement, but not fully appreciate the risks. Your in-laws are just grieving and focusing their anger at you; they have no rational basis for casting blame on you, and neither do you.

In my humble opinion, your loss is personally much greater than that of your in-laws, and your anger and sense of insecurity is very understandable. It does not take away from the love you felt for him nor does it dishonor him to recognize that he (not you) made a tragic error in judgement.

its so confusing..i just cant join it all together one minute i am cross, the next minute lost, then confused,scared,lonely..all so he could get a thrill...its not fair!

No, it isn't fair, and you feel overwhelmed. It seems to me that you have a lot of strength though because you are articulating your kids needs and your own needs well. I cannot even guess how long it will take to get clarity and sort out those feelings.

Is there someone close who can personally assist you in taking care of day to day stuff, and help you focus one-by-one on dealing with issues that scare you? A friend, family member, church group?

(((Hugs))) It's not your fault. It was his time...

((((((((hugs)))))))) xx

Hang in there, I am sure you did as much as you could handle.
Good Luck....

I tried so hard :( just not strong enough xx