Forever Lost Without You

My name is Allison and Iost the love of my life Jason on 12/23/12. I am 31 and Jason was 35. We had been together for 13 yrs 61/2 married. We have to amazing little girls together, 4and 6. My husband Jay had conjestive heart failure and we found this out in early Oct. We had stays in and out of the hospital but he was eventually put on the national heart transplant list. Long story short Dec 22 the worst day of my life I got a call saying that my husband had had a massive stroke. By the time I got to him they said he had some much pressure on his skull they needed to do surgery. I allowed the doctors to do so but after the surgery was over they said he was brain dead. So I made the choice to take Jason off life support. He lasted 4 hrs and of those for hours I felt like I was in a nightmare or in slow motion. Now let me back up to how we met. My best friend in H.S. was Jason's sister and from our first date I was hooked. I always said he was a disease I could not get enough off. We bought our first house together in 2001. I being 18 and him being 22. We where a couple for 5 yrs before we decided to marry. That was one of the best days off my life. Jason was beauitful and everyone that met him loved him off the bat. He was the best husband a women could ask for and an even more amazing father. Jason loved anything that was related to harley motorcycles and a got the bug to. He was a simple man that loved me and our girls more than anything. I feel so lost and alone without him. You think to youself I am 31 and should not have to be msking the choices I have just made. The day he died part of me died to. Everyone has told me what a STRONG women I am but I feel like a mess on the inside. How am I going to function. Jason was my rock,my support and my biggest cheerleader. Now I am alone with 2 little girls that just want to no where thier Daddy is. My faith in god is what has gotten me thru this nightmare but I still feel like I am just going thru motions. I would give anything just to hold him one more time or just to hear his voice and to just smell him. My life is a mess and I really wonder if it will ever get better.I feel like in away I just pretend he is at work and I just go about my day. My parents have been wonderful and so have other family and friends but they just don't get it.This is not how I wanted my life to be and in a way I am mad at Jason for leaving his family. God I just hope I can make it thru this! Well thanks for reading my crazy rant.
JasonsLove JasonsLove
31-35, F
3 Responses Jan 6, 2013

Hi, I lost my husband a week after you lost yours... He was a nurse and working the night shift and I dropped him off at work Christmas evening. At 4 am on the 26th I got a call saying he was found unconscious in the bathroom and was being taken to the hospital. When I arrived at the hospital I learned that when we was found he was not breathing and had no pulse. They were able to revive him, but no one knew how long he had been down without oxygen... He had multiple heart attacks when he was in the ICU... No one could tell us what was causing his heart to stop... He had to be revived 4 times... When the EEG was done they found that he was completely brain dead and was only being kept alive by the ventilator and medications... He had just turned 32 about 2 weeks before, I am 32... I kept telling people I shouldn't have to make these decisions! When we decided to take him off life support it was the hardest decision I've ever had to make and I wouldn't wish it on anyone... His family was very supportive and continues to be throughout this... We had been married 3 days short of 4 months... We had so many plans for our life together... I find myself angry at times that he left me, then telling myself he didn't leave me, that God took him and needed him for something up in heaven... I wait for a text from him or for him to come home to me... There are days when I am on the verge of tears all day... Everyone keeps telling me to be strong, or that it'll get better, or that he would want me to be happy... In some ways I'm happy in knowing that he's with God in heaven and I have an angel looking down on me always... In other ways I'm miserable because my partner in life is gone and I will never see his smile again, never hear his voice, his laughter, never feel his warm embrace or be able to kiss his lips again. I just want to fast forward to the time when it is better or easier or whatever it's supposed to be.

I am so sorry for your lose. I lost my father resently, about the same time as Jason's death for you. There is no words to really say how to deal with the situation you are going through. I try to find comfort in my faith in god. I hope you can continue to be strong. If you need to chat let me know.

Hi, I think you should watch the movies La Délicatesse and P S I Love you. You know that life is not just going to remain the same :) . Try making yourself more independent and don't you ever lose your interest in life. All you have to do is to take one step at a time towards setting it right. Take care. Pass my love to your daughters :) :)