I Lost The Love Of My Life To Drugs!

My husband, Josh, and I met in 2001. We were 18 and 19 years old. Today I am 30 and he passed away at 31 on June 30, 2012. We were inseparable and completely in love with each other our entire relationship. We never faught, ever! Two years ago he came across a a drug that got him where he is now. He started smoking meth. It completely changed him. He got super skinny and didn't keep up with his looks, when he was already skinny at a 32 waist and always looked good. He got very unattentive and selfish, when he once was very unselfish and didn't care about himself as long as you were okay. He became very angry and abusive, when he used to be so caring and loving and funny. He was the funniest person I had ever met. And he was so talented with singing and roofing and well, anything he did. But after meth he became angry all the time. No longer joking around like he normally did. Would yell at me for no reason, then started to say horrible things to me, then towards the end it got physical. We have a daughter together and I was so worried about her seeing everything. It got to the point where I was literally scared for my life and his. Before I would be so excited to get off work and go home to my family turned into I would be sad about going home and scared what I was going to come home to. I don't know how long, but I found out he had started injecting meth about a month before everything happened. About a week before it happened, Josh was arguing with me and he choked me in front of our little girl for a good minute. She was absolutely terrified, yelling at him to stop. I have stuck by his side for 12 years, 2 of them knowing I was living with a complete stranger, but after this I had to do something. I put a restraining order on him. It tore me up inside and I wasn't planning on calling it quits, just wanted him to realize how serious all this was getting and wanted to show my daughter to never put up with something like that. When the cops came to make him leave June 29, 2012, he was pissed, even after I had talked to him about this and calmed him down earlier. He ended up coming back around 11pm through the back door. I was sitting on the couch, he sat leaned up against the fridge. We just talked. He wasn't mad, he was very very sad. He kept saying, "This is it, you're leaving me." I kept telling him, "No, I'm not, just trying to show you how serious this is and that we need a break." We talked for a good 30-45 mins. He started to cry because we were talking about him choking me. I was silent as he sat and cried. He then got up, walked out back for a minute. Came back in and went straight to laundry room. About 5 mins later, I told our daughter to go check on him. She came back saying he's okay. I asked what he was doing. She said, "I don't know. He's just sitting there and didn't say anything." I figured she meant sitting in the chair in there. About 5 more mins went by and I got up to go check on him. The light was off and I saw him sitting straight up on his knees with his head down. I said, "What are you doing?" He didn't answer, I turned the light on and realized he had a cord wrapped around him neck. I thought he was just doing it for my attention, went to take it off and it was so tight around his neck. I started to freak out. I told our daughter to call 911, I never let her come in to see him, but I told her to tell them Daddy's hurt and not talking. I ran and grabbed a knife to cut the cord. It was so tight I couldn't even slide the knife in between him and the cord. Finally I just jammed it between and snapped it. The knife snapped back into my lip, slicing it open so now I was pouring blood everywhere. I just sat there hugging him, waiting on help. I said, "Please don't leave me. I need you." He was so warm. I never thought they would come back to tell me he was gone. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare everyday and I can't wake up. All I can think about is that night and the what ifs. I'm being strong her our daughter but I am a complete mess inside. My heart was ripped away from me.
MegganRae MegganRae
2 Responses Jan 10, 2013

I am 23, and my fiance 22 passed 6/7/13. That night I wouldn't let him stay with me because of the life he was living and started not to care. With me being 5 months pregnant I tried tough love bc I wanted our baby to brought into a good environment. I dropped him off at a house he asked me to and he text me saying that he loved me and sorry for all the pain he caused. I replied back that if he cared at all he would just let me be because I hurt. A message I did not get until the next day bc of cell phone service was "please dont turn your back on me, not now" not knowing it was already too late, I replied "i could never turn my back on you, you are a part of me" but he was already gone, methadone overdose. I feel guilty and pain every day and it has not even been a month yet. feel free to message me.

Wow don't blame yourself you was trying to do tough love so he will get his act together. I will pray for you and your daughter stay strong