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Seems Like Just Yesterday

My husband passed away almost 5yrs ago after an extremely brief battle with lung cancer. I was 35yrs old when he passed away and my four children ranged in age from 16 to 3. I can't explain the shock and grief that happens when you lose someone so suddenly. He had been fighting what drs told him was pnemonia, only to be hospitalized on a Thursday night with a collapsed lung. An MRI found a mass in his lung and on Friday he had a biposy. We spent the weekend praying for the best but preparing ourselves for the worst. On Monday he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and was given about 6months to live. Four days later (another Friday) he had his first chemo treatment and that night/early Saturday morning he passed away due to his heart giving out. I have always been thankful that we did have some time to acknowledge that he was going to pass away and a guilty part of me is thankful that it didn't drag out and we didn't have to watch him suffer. The hardest part has been knowing that our youngest will grow up with very little memory of him.

Shortly after the one year anniversary of his death I found out some shocking and horrible news. Despite what I thought was a happy, loving marriage, he had been unfaithful to me and there was a child concieved in his affair that was almost a year yonger than my youngest child. The person he had the affair with was someone that we both worked with whom I had thought was my friend. All of my grief healing went out the window and instead of just being sad I was angry at the person that I had loved with all my heart. I am still struggling to deal with the why's of something that I will never have the answer to and I do my best to keep the anger at bay although at times it can still take my breath away.

I find myself on the verge of turning 40 and I don't recognize myself. I haven't started dating, I have gained too much weight, I am sad too often and yet find that stretches of time go by and I don't really think of him. My wedding ring is in a box and this past fall I finally donated the majority of his clothes. His garage still has most of his "good junk" where he left it but his car has long since been crushed. I still sleep in the bed where he took his last breath but I now sleep sprawled across the entire bed no longer waiting for him to occupy "his side". My kids are happy, thriving, well adjusted kids who make me proud every single day but just last night my 13yr old son cried in church when we sang a song from his dad's funeral. I struggle to keep his memory alive for my kids although in my heart I wonder if I knew him at all.

It seems like I have been a widow forever but I can still relive the last month of my husbands life like it was just yesterday. February 2nd will be the 5year anniversary. I wish I could tell you that I am completely over my grief but I still have days where I feel like I am still in the fog I felt when he first died. What I can say is that for every bad day that I have, I have 20 days that are pretty darn good. I no longer fear the worst, because I have lived it and know that I can get through anything. Being single isn't the worst thing in the world and even has its perks. I haven't ruled out finding a partner to share my life with but before I can do that I plan to spend a bit more time finding myself.
coffeemom73 coffeemom73 36-40, F 3 Responses Jan 17, 2013

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Thank you for sharing your story coffee mum. I lost my husband to lung cancer (6 months from diagnosis to passing away) almost 2 years ago. I still find joy in things (particularly my children who are now 5 and 14) but still have dark days, especially at this time of year. I cannot imagine what I would have felt if I found my husband had been been unfaithful. It would have been another blow and very confusing I think. You have been very strong.

Would you mind if I switch over to "private messages" ?

No problem.

Very courageous admission here.

May I ask you some questions...they are probably going to be challenging ?

Yes, please feel free to ask questions. I will answer them the best that I can. :)