Day 40

So my in laws and I just "celebrated" my husband's 40th day since he passed... In Filipino culture, the 40th day is significant because they believe that on the 40th day, the soul is brought into heaven. Being an American, and one who just lost her husband, it's hard for me to say I'm celebrating... I'm happy that he is no longer suffering and is in a place now where he has nothing to worry about and can be happy and be my guardian angel, but I'm sad that I'm stuck down here on Earth alone. I don't have my soul mate here anymore, I lost my best friend and partner in life. I'm here raising our puppy and taking care of our 3 other dogs by myself... Our 4 dogs are our children... We hadn't started our family quite yet. Today I've found myself thinking, "It's been 40 days already???" and "It feels like he's been gone for so long..." and "He's not really gone, he's just on a trip and will come back to me any time..." I know that he's not coming back... At least not in human form where I can hear his laugh, see his smile and give him a big hug and kiss because I've missed him so much. He will forever be in my heart and memory. I'm only 32 years old... I shouldn't be experiencing this... But I am... My rational mind knows that the events of the last 45 days (5 days in the hospital and 40 days since) have really happened, but as much as I know it happened, I don't want to believe it... Somehow, I have to get through this... For our "children" and for myself... I miss him so much and love him with all my heart. I hope that some day I can move one and find someone else, but right now, I don't see how I can ever love anyone like I love him. He's gone... He left me here alone. I know God has a reason for taking him so soon. A reason I will most likely never understand, a reason much bigger than I. I know He wouldn't have taken him from me if He didn't think I could get through this pain that I feel. And I know that my dear husband wouldn't have left me here alone if there wasn't a good reason for him leaving. He will forever be the love of my life and will always be missed.
Joloveskriss Joloveskriss
2 Responses Feb 8, 2013

For me I lost my husband on sept 22 after he battled leukemia for 9 months. I don't know how many days that is..but I still feel like he's just gone to work. He was Chinese, I'm white but it feels like his culture doesn't talk about the dead at all. I'm expected to just go on when I feel half dead. I'm not supposed to talk about him and I want to! I need to! How did we get here?

hi there! we have the same experienced im also 32 years old and i just lost my husband last april 3, 2013. we have the same feeling and questions... i also said to myself that god has a plan for me and our 3 children... just be strong and continue to keep the faith. our husband is just there they will never leave our side. God bless...

Thanks for the encouragement... It's been almost 4 months now and I still can't believe it's all real sometimes... Other times, I feel like I'm doing really well and learning to live my life without him by my side. I'm so sorry for your loss... It's a horribly terrible thing to go through, but I know we can get through it. I've seen a lot of things on Facebook and Pinterest lately that say something like, "We were given this life because we are strong enough to live it." I really believe that... Stay strong...