Trying to Understand...

Today is hard... see today is the six year anniversary of the day we met.  February 22, 2003 changed my life... I met the man I was going to marry.  On May 26, 2007 it changed again... we in front of our family and friends got married at sunset on the beach and I became... Mrs. Layman Myles.  The place we always loved to be.  That was the happiest day of my life. 

On June 20, 2008 it changed again... I became a widow at 28.  Just like any other day... I went to work, was running late, I called him with no answer and left a brief message not to worry I would be home soon.  This was normal because often he would not answer, just wait for me to arrive.  When I finally arrived home, I found my husband, in our room... lifeless.  He was only 33.  Later it was revealed he had died from having a seizure and not being able to breath.  He had never had one before.  In that moment time stood still, it was so surreal, like an out of body experience.  Everything I knew to be was no longer. 

I felt we didn't have enough time, we had so many plans that were never fulfilled.  It's hard for me to come to the rationalization that he is no longer with me.  I'm trying to find the silver lining in all of this.  We never had any children... though we wanted many... we did not have the chance of making that a reality.  He would have been a great father because he was great husband.  Funny how what you think your life is going to be... doesn't end up that way.  No one told me that when I met him that in four years time I would marry, then a year and three weeks later I would have to bury him.  Why don't they tell you so you could at least tell them one last "I LOVE YOU".  I miss him everyday.  Does the pain ever stop?

I am living but with the mask of "I'm okay".  Everyone is happy around me.  Since my husband's passing... I have gone to two weddings and they are the hardest things to go to.  Though they are for the people I love and wish nothing but the best.  They all see I am hurting inside, they all see the pain.  All I want is to be able to love him again.  I do believe I will see him again but sometimes it feels like an eternity with out him. 

I now live with my twin sister and brother-in-law and they are expecting their first baby.  Seems it is a reminder of what I'm not going to have any time soon.  I know they love me and don't want to hurt me but its hard to deal with since it's right in my face.   

I am full of love for my husband, angry at him for leaving and hoping he would walk through the door and tell me to wake up from my nightmare.  I don't know how to return to my life because I don't feel this is my life.  I'm trying to understand why my husband... why my love... why am I left here to pick up the pieces?

I miss the "hi honey how is your day"...the "here's you coffee, just the way you like it"... the kiss on the forehead when we said good night... most of all the way he used to look at me from across the room.  I miss all of him.. his energy, his touch, his caress, his laugh, his smile, his embrace, even the little lines across his forehead when he got angry.  I miss the way he used to have everyone as his friend, if you were present, you were a friend.  He was the guy everyone could never say ill of.  He was truly loved and showed my how to love... with your whole heart, with no expectation of strings attached.  He showed my how to live in the moment and enjoy life.  I'm trying to follow his example but I find it difficult because things are not the same without him enjoying them with me. 

Until we met again.  I love you and miss you... always my love.

Angeldarling Angeldarling
26-30, F
2 Responses Feb 23, 2009

Your story is heart-breaking. I'm going through the same thing. I miss my husband. It's only been a month and a half. The longest we have ever been apart is 3 weeks. It's awful. It's so painful I feel like somebody is reaching into me and pulling my heart out. I just want to be with him in heaven. I want to die as soon as possible so I can be there. I am not suicidal. I wouldn't do that .I wouldn't go to heaven then. I am not complete without him.I never thought I could miss somebody so much. I need advice as to what to do.

Wow I can relate , I was only married 5 years and I feel such a void that I can't find that complete ness I had when my husband touched me . Please message me on here some time . Take Care Jen