I'm So Lost

I am so lonely without my husband.  We would have been together 13 yrs & married 5 yrs on feb 21st.

 

We have a now 4 yrs old child.  I am raising her without him. She tells me everyday how she misses her daddy.  My husband died on nov 20, 2008 from aspiration pneumonia.  He was going for radiation beam treatment on his hip and his health was failing.  If you would have saw how my husband was doing so good at the end of sept, you would be in shock he is gone.  I am 34 yrs old, living everyday without him around, but he is on my mind and in my heart!

  I cant believe he is gone! On nov 19th at 4 am i was sleeping on the couch in his hospital room, he was coughing a lot that night, I would wake to check on him, the nurse comes in the give him his pills and he vomits everything up within 1 min.  I was so scared he wasn't breathing. They finally did an xray after me and my husband telling them for mos, he couldn't breath right, eat, swallow, was spitting blood ect.  I had to go home around 6 pm on the 19th to be with our child and his brother went to stay with him.  I went to bed at 11 pm on the 19th and woke up to such terrible pain where my husband was having pain.  This happened 3 times that night.  At 10:30 am on the 20 of nov, my sister came into my room and said i should get on the phone, its about my husband.  I said, "hello?" It was his brother on the other end, he said, " You have to come to the hospital now because hes going to die today!"  I fell to the floor!   I got up to the hospital and stayed with him until the last breath he took.   I sent everyone out the room around 5:12 pm so i could have my time with my husband, he was now in a comma and receiving a lot of morphine.  I crawled in bed with him, put his arms around me and i put my arms around him and held tight, and laid talking to him.  I let him know i would take care of our lil one and we will be ok.  I talked a lot to him and i know he heard me.  I finally got up after talking for about 15 mins and went to call someone, i was talking to him still.  I was making the call and my husband turned his head and looked at me with his eyes open, but it happened so fast.  I said, Hun, I'm over here.  I got up and my husband wasn't breathing the way he was before our "talk".   I looked at him and looked at him and he wasn't breathing.  I ran out to the hall and got the nurses.  They pronounced him dead at 5:37 pm.

Oh how i miss this man!  Everyone wanted a relationship like ours and they always asked how we got to be like this.  To this day, i am wishing i could hear his voice tell me hes ok and what to do better.

I'm sorry this is so long and rambling, i just have so much going through my head all the time.  Thanks for reading my story.  I will not be having any other man until my dd is married and out the house.

lml11202008 lml11202008
31-35
2 Responses Mar 27, 2009

I can't tell you how to handle it, because I am going through the same thing. My husband was healthy went to have ankle surgery a week later died of a blood clot. I take it day by day. I do know we have to let our emotions out as they come. Everyone tells me time will heal but I disagree it's different if you were best friends like you and i probley were with our spouses. I keep praying hoping that God will take some of my burden. I know it's harder when they are great dads to my husband lived for his children and myself. We have to try to hang in for our children thats what our husbands would want. I have not fully excepted it yet.

I am so very sorry for you loss. He sounds like a good <br />
<br />
man and daddy! That is such a terrible loss. Bless your <br />
<br />
heart. If you ever need to talk let me know sweetie.