Post
Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

Young Widow With 4 Kids

We lost my husband on Dec. 29th, 2009. He was 37yrs old. We have 4 beautiful children that miss him very much. I am 32yrs old and feel like I am so alone. I know that I have to start living again but I just seem to be going through the motions right now. My daughter Ragan just made 13 and she seems to be taking it worse. She was his baby girl and he did no wrong in her eyes. My teen son also seems to be taking it really hard but almost in a good way. He is using it as a reason to do good. It is extremely hard to look at my kids and see the pain in their eyes. As a mother it really sucks. If I could take that pain from them I would. I know he did not want to leave us, but I find myself asking why he left us. It just seems so unfair. He had a valve replaced in his heart in October and was doing well and then it was over. Why let us keep him in October if you were just going to take him in December. I know we are lucky to have had him for Christmas, but luck is not what I am feeling. I do not know what I am feeling. We were married for almost 15yrs and he and the children are my life. So I keep asking myself what now??? It is almost like I have to figure out how to live. I am always so busy being strong for my kids that I do not have time to figure this out. Where do I go from here, what do I do? He is gone and I have to be mom and dad and I do not know how....

amyleighann amyleighann 31-35, F 22 Responses Jan 13, 2010

Your Response

Cancel

I hope you are doing better....but...*hug*

i also a mum of 4 and my husband died 16 october 2009 and understand completely what you are going through. Its impossibly busy with the kids and i just want to escape to grieve alone and forget about things.

Hi, I've read your story and my heart goes out to you and your family. There are no words that can fill the loss in the lives of each of your children as well as yourself. My wife passed away thanksgiving morning 2009. About a month before your tragedy. Coming from someone who has been there, There is no easy way to except such a shock. I have two children and they miss her beyond any words can express. She was the center of my life and just like you, I am going through the motions and my feelings are still numb. I am having a very hard time trying to be a dad and a mom. I can understand how hard it is for you with four children. Take care of yourself and take it one day at a time. Tim

Hi friend,<br />
let me start by asking you how you are doing right now! that seems stupid cause you've told me already in your write up, but sensible cause you know that the way you feel right now differs from the way you where felling before you wrote. right now i know there are four key things you are missing.<br />
1. the role your husband plays is managing your family and you. before that you might have taken for granted but now it counts and needs attention.<br />
<br />
2. his financial support: not matter how much he left in his account it a numbered, but before everyday he helps to bring things home. i mean home.<br />
<br />
3. his presence: his personal presence before gives assurance and a follow of emotions but now your emotions are revolving inside you looking for a way to flow out.<br />
<br />
4.possibly sexuality though you tight duty line might make this the last need for now.<br />
but worst of all these are the memories of the past.<br />
<br />
how do you handle all these. sure there is no way you can handle it by yourself, you need however to know this one thing.<br />
<br />
if the death of your husband affects your children this way, how could they possibly handle it if you die too? therefore even if you do not want to stay alive stay for your children's sake.<br />
But more than staying for children alone tell yourself that you deserve to be happy again. Just think of this bible passage 1peter5:7. you might be in the mood for bible but try anyway to read it.<br />
if you would like us to talk more write to me (jubalstudio@yahoo.com)

Hi friend,<br />
let me start by asking you how you are doing right now! that seems stupid cause you've told me already in your write up, but sensible cause you know that the way you feel right now differs from the way you where felling before you wrote. right now i know there are four key things you are missing.<br />
1. the role your husband plays is managing your family and you. before that you might have taken for granted but now it counts and needs attention.<br />
<br />
2. his financial support: not matter how much he left in his account it a numbered, but before everyday he helps to bring things home. i mean home.<br />
<br />
3. his presence: his personal presence before gives assurance and a follow of emotions but now your emotions are revolving inside you looking for a way to flow out.<br />
<br />
4.possibly sexuality though you tight duty line might make this the last need for now.<br />
but worst of all these are the memories of the past.<br />
<br />
how do you handle all these. sure there is no way you can handle it by yourself, you need however to know this one thing.<br />
<br />
if the death of your husband affects your children this way, how could they possibly handle it if you die too? therefore even if you do not want to stay alive stay for your children's sake.<br />
But more than staying for children alone tell yourself that you deserve to be happy again. Just think of this bible passage 1peter5:7. you might be in the mood for bible but try anyway to read it.<br />
if you would like us to talk more write to me (jubalstudio@yahoo.com)

Really feel for you. It shows me the futility of life. Hv, u hav to be strong especially for the kids who are looking up to u. You can be sure that time do heal especially if you can cast ur burden on HIM. In my culture, we normally say ' dead men are mournig dead men' this goes to show we are all in debt of death and have to pay sooner or latter. U can be sure that my prayer will be with u as u march out of this emotional prison.

I'm 33 years old and lost my husband over a year ago. We were together 10 years and have 3 kids. I tried to run away from my emotions physically (through travel) because I couldn't stop the pain. When that didn't work, I tried to get into a relationship with the wrong man and tried to hide the emotions in the next relationship, but that was an even worse thing to do because when he broke up with me, it felt like another loss and my emotions exploded and I couldn't control them. It got really bad and I'm very lonely and it's extremely difficult to date, especially with kids. But I'm going through counseling and I think it's very important to get out of the house, socialize, and most important, deal with the emotions. Running doesn't work, burying them in another relationship doesn't work, and even though you feel like breaking into a million pieces, you will have to face your fears, the pain, the loneliness, and everything else in order to find the reason to live again. I realize that just because he is gone doesn't mean that I have to die with him. It's difficult to see the future, but if you can go through counseling (with a good therapist), and face the evils in your life, you will be able to heal and appreciate that you CAN make it without him and you will love and be loved again. Time really does heal, and even though it's difficult, have faith that you do have a good future and you shouldn't internalize your feelings. Share them and learn from others.That's how you make it through each day.

Time to mourn, time to rage,<br />
time to huddle in numb black sorrow<br />
time to hurt, time to heal<br />
and feel the hope that you'll feel tomorrow<br />
<br />
time to shudder because the pain is too raw<br />
too loud, too harsh, too close, too new<br />
time to breathe once. Now breathe again.<br />
Time to start to take care of your kids and of you<br />
<br />
there is no cure for death too soon<br />
no way to comfort a family alone<br />
no answers for the questions they have to ask<br />
they each have to find a way to heal on their own<br />
<br />
but together, united, they huddle and cuddle <br />
together they share their strength around<br />
they hold hands and close ranks and take care of each other<br />
wherever they are is their own healing ground <br />
<br />
We on the outside can give some aid<br />
lend an ear, lend a shoulder, give a smile, give a ride<br />
but time is the healer best known foe this wound<br />
it brought you to this point and will being you out the other side <br />
<br />
Have faith in your friend and your children and you<br />
and believe your beloved will help you see this through<br />
<br />
god & goddess bless and hold you all safe and sheltered til you <br />
are ready to live again with an open heart. Blessed be.

Looking for answers and help with the grieving process is one of the first steps and you've come to a good place as already many good suggestions has been given. Each person grieves the loss of their loved one differently but collectively you can conclude the overall consciences is in time the pain lessens somewhat but we're dealing with today now.<br />
<br />
You are probably feeling a sense of ownership i.e. my husband, my comfort, my children's father and feeling something very precious has been stolen from you. One member already expressed getting angry and I agree, you have that right and while there's more emotions to come, go ahead now and vent some of that pent up anger... release it, let it out! <br />
<br />
Surely your children are impacted by this as well. Take the time to have them understand at any given time a memory may trigger an emotion. It might be helpful to develop a hand signal system to indicate to others, "I'm having a bad moment right now" . With the fingers, form a zero for I need you to hug me Mommy; a index finger means I'm sad, please give me a moment alone. You get the idea now, this is easier than engaging in a conversation they may or may not want to have right now.<br />
<br />
Lastly you need a sounding board, someone who will quietly sit and listen and not interrupt. Then continue writing down your emotions say in a journal or maybe email to a close friend. This helps the mind process and validate the feelings of loneliness. If it's possible, upload pictures then add your own caption to each one to sites like Flicker or Photobucket. Doing this releases and keeps alive the memories in your own words.<br />
<br />
I lost my wife Leigh on Oct. 16 2009 suddenly, so I share your pain. Each day is a new challenge and you'll hurt, cry uncontrollably, forget something... but trust me, the pain lessens in time.

Hi Amyleighann, I can't believe how many people say to move on. You just lost the love of your life. You don't just MOVE ON. I think people mean well but unless you have experienced this grief, it's hard to understand. My wife passed away unexpectedly Dec8th and all I do is cry everynight. I'm told that eventually you learn to deal with the pain better, but it doesn't go away. If there any support groups in your area, it helps to meet with others who feel the same pain and grief. I'lll pray for you.

Hi Amyleighann, I can't believe how many people say to move on. You just lost the love of your life. You don't just MOVE ON. I think people mean well but unless you have experienced this grief, it's hard to understand. My wife passed away unexpectedly Dec8th and all I do is cry everynight. I'm told that eventually you learn to deal with the pain better, but it doesn't go away. If there any support groups in your area, it helps to meet with others who feel the same pain and grief. I'lll pray for you.

I strongly urge you to seek help from a professional counselor or psychologist. They are not only capable of sound, proven advice but also an outlet for you to vent your anger and frustration with the situation.

My heart goes out to you. No words can soothe you. I only pray to God that you can find the much needed solace <br />
padma

One small step at a time my prayers are with you

May time mend your broken heart! I found the best thing to do was to allow myself and our son to go through the feelings of grief. If you try to supress them they will come back to get you when you least expect them! It has been three years and I am just getting to the point of being able to move forward.....don't rush it but don't let it define who you are. Proffessional help perhaps through your church or grief counsellors in your area may benefit?? <br />
<br />
Big hugs to you and your children.

Another thing that helped was my rememberance box. I think it might help with the coping especially for your kids. In it I put a few things that belonged to KC. I have his cologne, his football jersey & a few other things. It helped because these things were more real & more comforting to me than pictures or videotapes. If you decided to do this with your kids, try to make sure there's no judgement in the things they want to keep. What may be a beat up old bathroom to you, may remind your children of Saturday mornings watching tv with dad.

(((HUGS)))

My heart goes out to you at this difficult time.<br />
I lost my son last year and I know how hard it is to have someone so precious taken away so suddenly.<br />
My daughter was 9 at the time and like you say to see the other children suffer is so much for a mother to bear as you want them to feel no pain in life.<br />
It is a very difficult time when you are being a parent and trying to come to terms with the new situation and your own grieve, my only advice is take one day at a time, talk openly with your children and let them and yourself grieve how ever you feel is appropriate.<br />
The pain never quite goes away you only learn to deal with it differently over time and it does take time.<br />
All my love and prayers to you and your family.

The hardest thing for some one to lose the the greatest love of there lives. You hit the nail on the head when you said that you need to live on, at the same time you need time to morn the loss of your husband. Once you have done that you need to move on with your children. You need to ask yourself this question, how would he want you to live nad how to move on? Continue his legacy. Its never easy nor will you forget him. Try and always remind you children how much love he had for them and how much he loved you. As long as you keep his memory with you and the children, he will live on in your hearts and thoughts each day. If you want to add me to your circle, I would be honored and if you like to email me its dcooper61@hotmail.com

I know it's not the same, but I lost my fiance when he was 18 and I was 16. It still rips me to pieces and I'm 19. Give yourself time.

I'm so sorry for your lose. I have to ask you a question I know half the internet is going to go what to but I it helped me in a similiar event. Have you allowed yourself to be angry with God? I can hear the whats around the world. And yes I am a very God fearing & devoted Christian. I asked because right now everyone you know is telling you to lean on Him & all you probably really want to know is how & why. How could He allow you to love this wonderful person & then he was gone? Why let you believe it would be alright & then he was gone? I'm here to say it's okay to be mad & angry. And it's okay to be mad & angry with Him. He loves us through it all. He helps us through it all. I don't personally subscribe to the "calling people home" belief because I KNOW God loves me more than that. I KNOW that He would not let our lives be enriched & simply take it away. I know what people mean when they say it but it still sounds pretty cruel to me. But back to being mad. Have you ever been so upset at someone & you just couldn't forget about it? I mean so much that you didn't even want to be around them? And then you talked to somebody & they said just drop it? Which of course was no help. Grief is the same. People tell us not to blame God & they're right. God didn't drive-by shooting people. He didn't make valves give out. But in that simple statement "Don't blame God", they also deny us the right to be mad. And until the anger is gone, its hard to lean on Him. I am not in any way shape, form or fashion telling you to abandon your faith. Asking you to trust that God loves & understands that we are weak & imperfect. When I lost KC, on the days that were really tough to get through, I would start my prayers with "I'm angry today. There was --- I wish he was here for." And it will get easier & the anger will go away. Some or even most may not agree but it helped me. And my relationship with God is stronger for it.

That's Great!!! You know your duty and the one who has a target in mind gets guided in a manner that he never knew. May God help you very fast with the duties you wish to fulfill regards your kids. I respect this ways of thinking. Great. May God help you with the perfect guidance.