Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

I'm A Sexual Sadist. Ask Me Anything

My libido makes me desire to harm people.  It's difficult to understand unless you're sadistic yourself.  It's the pain of others, be it physical or mental, that I L-O-V-E, but it is 1000x better when I am the cause of it!  I love causing fear, crying, screaming, pure unholy terror of the worst kind.  Nonconsensual is much more appealing to my lust yet consensual appeals more to my love/sweet/whatever-it-is-called-feeling.  The type of love that I give is strange and not everyone understands it.  It is not for everyone.  I thought I should offer everyone a chance to learn more about it.

Nope, I don't harm innocent people, unless they enrage me.  I reserve the right to answer a question if I have good reason.
MeisterWolf MeisterWolf 18-21, M 57 Responses Nov 5, 2010

Your Response


I find there is a large difference - in the SM world - between people who think they are a sadist, and people who actually are. I have a lot (and I mean A LOT) of real life SM experiences. I have played with two people I would consider sadists. Their defining characteristics are: 1) The ability to deliver beyond expectations (and I don't mean just being hit harder), and 2) Intelligence, maturity and wisdom. These people knew what they were doing . . . did it with aplomb . . . and remained mature, considerate and aware of me.

I believe i am a saddist, if i see a female crying it excites me and i get a rush of energy. At first when i would see people in pain and enjoy i thought there was somethjng wrong with me until i stumbled upon BDSM. As soon i i saw a clip of it i knew deep down i was a saddist i enjoyed the sight of the female in pain alooot and the sexual aspect of it was the icing on the cake. This assumption was reaffirmed when i became sexualy active and "normal" relationships and sex, (forgive me if i use choice words as i dont know fully whats alowed on these posts and whats not), did nothing for me, i never once "got there" so to speak. Not for lack of trying, it just was so bland and boring to me. Then i stumbled upon Bdsm again and just REALLY enjoyed it everything about it and i thought "maybe thats what i need to do, but how To go about this as i cant just come out to the world and say hi my name is (_________) i am a saddist." which lead me here to you to ask my question. Now that i know beyond a reasonable doubt that i am a saddist, what now? How do i proceed? Appologies about the life story just had to get that bit off my chest.

I have a question about how you handle your BDSM relationship, if you've had a serious one. I'm a submissive masochist, but my partner is new to the idea of enjoying hurting his partner, and is having a hard time reconciling his honest enjoyment of hurting, using, and owning me with two things.

First, that he does respect me and enjoys my company for non-sexual reasons -- we don't want the relationship to shift so much that our sexual needs and my desire to be objectified turns into objectification that carries over into daily life too much.

Second, that his upbringing tells him that hurting people and using them is wrong. He's having trouble with shame at his enjoyment even though he's intellectually perfectly aware that it is entirely consensual, we're both adults, and anyone who tells us we're bad people for enjoying it is an *******.

We started with him mostly just inflicting pain and using me because he knew I wanted it, but now that he's honestly starting to enjoy it non-ironically it's making him worry. I'm a masochist and submissive, so for me the idea of respecting my partner and also wanting to be owned and used is straightforward to reconcile. So I really have no idea what to suggest to him.

Do you have any advice for helping a sadist avoid letting their sexual (and now mental) enjoyment carry over into daily interactions and take over entirely? We want to remain equals, but equals where he can tell me to do anything and I'll do it for him because he owns me. That seems tricky to pull off.

Hi, I have a serious problem with my boyfriend of two years. He hasn't gotten out of hand or anything, but the whole situation is just difficult. I was repeatedly abused and raped as a child, so the whole idea of being hurt during sex absolutely terrifies me. Im not sure I could do It even if I wanted to. He has been very understanding and has been trying really hard to be ok with this, but I can tell that he's just not happy doing plain vanilla. I don't know what to do because I want to make him happy, I just can't be everything he wants me to be. I was hoping for a little advice on what I might be able to do. I don't know how I could possibly compromise because its not a matter of me being close minded and needing to try it, I just can not do it with out having a panic attack and becoming an emotional wreck. I really want to make him happy, Im just not sure if I can. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Add a response...

I would describe feeling sadistic as an exciting urge, almost a devilish compulsion. I would describe inflicting pain (on a consenting masochist) as intoxicating and romantic.

I'm a masochist, only recently realised through therapy, I've been that way since a child..
I've met a man who convinced me he was submissive, everything sexual fascinates me so I tried the role of dominatrix, but strange things started to happen, he would feel the need to "attack" me after I hurt him, rape me and cause me serious pain which I loved I won't lie.. His pain tolerance is nonexistent and because of my nature I can only hurt him so much before I stop, he has no such qualms. He abuses me to the point where most women would have gone to the police and I love it... but it's escalating, he lied to me, he's not submissive he just needs me to give him a reason for him to hurt me worse... He can only get hard sometimes when he hears my pain, he's also rough outside the bedroom which again I love..
We discussed safe words, mine wasn't a word I said that if I cry really bad then stop, he ignores this completely and uses it as a starting point for when he really starts to enjoy himself...
He feels no emotion, remorse or guilt, he's done awful things to me not just sexual, from discussions with psychiatrists I've discerned he's a real life sociopath with serious sadistic tendancies...
My masochistic nature means he's like heroin to me, I can't stop but he's escalating and I think he might actually kill me but even that intrigues me...
I love your openess about your desires, sadists fascinate me, but im scared that I will never find someone who would be capable of doing the things he does to me but will still be a good person...
As a sadist do you think it's possible to destroy someone and love them at the same time?
I feel I will never be content if I'm not being abused...

I think it's possible to love someone and destroy them. But it isn't healthy. You're in an abusive relationship. Abusers convince their partners that they will never find someone else to love them. I know how hard it can be when you love somebody, but you deserve better than that. They can destroy your self-esteem. Abusers can fool you into believing you're the one with the problem. If he kills you, then he'll seek more partners to abuse. I'm sorry if it appears as if I'm lecturing you. I fear for your safety.

I understand the urges to go beyond relative safety. I've said that I don't want to kill partners too easily because then they suffer less overall. Although I would never kill a person, except to defend myself or other people. Maybe it's easy for me to say because I feel a little guilty about my sadistic desires and prefer to keep them under control. It just feels too good to give up my sadism.

It's fun to spoil a masochist rotten with their darkest desires, but I know when to stop. I consider it a responsibility because masochists can reach a point where they aren't thinking clearly in the heat of the moment. I've personally experimented with masochism and my conclusion is that I can't really blame masochists. If it's possible for a non-masochistic person to desensitize themselves and enjoy some pain, then I can't imagine how good it feels for natural masochists.

I'm fascinated by masochists. They're my natural opposite. You have no idea how delighted I was when I discovered the existence of masochists. I used to fear that I would grow up to be a dangerous person.

I would like to ask you if you would ever practice this with an unsuspecting victim. I met someone that was taking me through the "grooming" process but I had no idea what was going on. His grand finale, so to speak, was what I thought was to a romantic evening but his behavior was so alarming that I was scared he was going to kill me. Needless to say I was severely traumatized and still scarred today from the whole ordeal.

No. This reminds me of the time I was asked if I kill people. There's a huge difference between consensual BDSM and criminal behaviour. I would feel repulsed if somebody didn't enjoy my darker desires. I only pretend to take on an evil role and affection is still important. I'm sorry about what happened to you. But I'm glad you're still here today.

Hi, i am wondering how you came to realise you were a sadist, was there a defining moment where you just knew or has it been something you've always known? Do you find it easy to find people who are masochists/sadists to indulge your lifestyle with you? I have recently been finding sexual/relationship things very difficult being that i love when people hurt me physically (with consent otherwise it just bothers me) l like to be in physical pain 90% and the other 10% i like to be the one causing the pain to other people (Not without consent of course) but in my head i often find myself fantasizing about the opposite, i love hearing people screaming, begging, crying ect but as of yet have never found myself a partner that i could express that side of myself to as they are usually very cuddly, sweet people that aren't into that and i am the opposite and dislike affection and can be very cold and unattached towards people (even family/friends). I was just wondering if you find relationships and or sexual partners in specific places or if you have to go through the trouble of getting to know someone to the point you feel comfortable enough to disclose to them what exactly you like and did you feel strange at first, like what you were thinking and doing were morally wrong.
Sorry for the length of this post but i hope you can answer :)

I thought everyone thought similar to me until I was 8 and we got sex education at school. I went into a bit of denial. We got more detailed sex education in my early teens. I think was 15 when I found out on the internet that there are real people into sadomasochism. That was a relief.

You can go through the normal dating process and simply hope the other person accepts your needs. Most people are okay with some biting or light stuff, but it seems you want more than that. I guess you could join another website and meet kinky people in the flesh. I would be surprised if you're the only kinky person for many miles. Sure, it's more difficult, but there's little point in investing in a vanilla relationship that will eventually hurt both people in a bad way.

I think I'll always feel a little guilty about my sadism. But I don't feel anywhere near as terrible as I used to. You get used to it after a while and you understand it's just good fun. People pay to watch others fighting in a boxing ring. Plenty injuries there. I don't see what's so bad about responsible sadomasochism. If people know what they're getting themselves into and they follow SSC or at least RACK, then it's good. If everyone involved is mentally able to consent, above legal age, and it produces more positive feelings than negative feelings... it shouldn't be considered something evil! People can react differently after a scene but I would recommend talking a little bit about what happened and telling your partner it was fun or hearing your partner say they enjoyed you hurting them. Some people want to be left alone and others turn into cuddle bunnies. It really depends on the person and it does help if partners feel a similar way about the aftermath.
It's cool, I think we're even now because of christmas and my late response ! :)

Hi, so the problem I'm having is I want to know if I'm a sadist. I've never really thought of it. I recently read this article about sadism and stuff of that sort and I could relate to that so here are my questions;

I am 14 years old and it seems like I don't feel emotional pain. I have little to no sympathy for others. My aunt who was close to me died and I didn't feel sad at all I felt nothing. If I see somebody in pain I don't care. It don't bother me.

It makes me feel happy when I see somebody in pain no matter who they are and whats causing it. I laugh when I hear about people hurting themselves or dying. I don't mean too I just do and I don't know why.

I could never really tell anybody about this. I hate to share my feelings and get close to anyone it just disguts me. When I see somebody cry it gets me mad and I don't understand why.

I also don't like crying or showing such emotion in front of others. It feels as if I just can't have a close relationship with another person.

Sorry for such a long thing, but I thought that maybe this would help.

Hey there. You probably are sadistic, but there's likely also something else in this. You could be emotionally numb because of your own struggles, but it could also be something more serious such as antisocial personality disorder, although, I must stress the latter is very unlikely, especially since you're concerned about it. Also, it exists on a spectrum, and not everyone with it is a violent serial killer.

If these laughing reactions are totally uncontrollable, please consider reading about this

I feel empathy, and my sadism actually makes me feel a bit guilty, but I'm responsible. I would never harm anyone that I believe didn't deserve it. I believe most sadists feel a similar way to me.

I see, and with what I have told you do you think that there could be something seriously wrong with me? and if I should try to talk with someone about it?

I don't think there's something seriously wrong, but you might benefit from talking to somebody about this. You'll probably be fine, unless you begin planning to murder people. I used to feel like a void inside and it took me years to work through that and allow myself to feel emotions.

I think my husband s a sexual sadist he said he likes when I'm in pain during sex but that's all he's mentioned to me I really want to turn him on but he says he doesn't know he says he likes anal because of How I react towards it but that's it How can I sexually please him?

Communication is key. You need to have a serious discussion about sex when you're both relaxed. I don't know what he likes. Even if he is a sadist, every sadist, is unique.

Add a response...

hey I'm a bit confused,I think I'm a sexual sadist, but I not into conflicting pain, but I get really turned on when I see girls get humiliated in sexual settings. It's the only thing that turns me on and also forced ************ turns me on too. Does this make me a sexual sadist ?

Yes, it means you aren't a physical sadist. You're an emotional sadist that enjoys inflicting and/or watching psychological violence.

Erm.. How should I put it..... I think I am a sadist, but... idk I only feel like this with a particuar person aka someone I love as a partner. Would it still be considered as me being a sadist even if just a light one? Like--- I enjoy seeing them getting frustrated and embarrassed, tease them and such.... because I think that, then, the person gets even cuter.... I also like cutting and such... sigh but even though I'm like this I'm afraid of doing anything sadistic-like, because I don't want to be hated.............. so yep I'm pretty confused about if I"m actually a sadist or if it's just a fantasy of something new to me... idk anymore.... Oh and would it be bad if I opened up to a friend about it? like--- I was talking about it to my best friend and when we were alone with one more friend (someone really close to us who we always open up to--- since she has that motherly feeling and such and is the one we can open up to besides another 2 friends--), I started to ask, whispering, to my best friend if I should ask advices from our friend.......... so ye saying about my desire about being sadistic with the one I love since she is also the one who gives us love advices---- and I was really afraid of telling her, but my best friend was just like nah tell her~ Maithe~ (name of our friend) did you know Yaya is a sadist? and Maithe was like whut-- but then my best friend confused things up by saying I was a masochist and then I said no and told Maithe I'd clear up things with her............ later....... BUT idk what to do now ;A; like-- is it okay to talk to her something like this? since ye I want someone masochist as a boyfriend and she is really a good help with love advices, plus I wanted to tell her my preferences for her to help me.... but I'm afraid and kind of embarrassed about it all..... so ye should I?

I don't think I've heard of sadism for only one person.

Sadism exists on a spectrum. Although I have extreme fantasies, I'm just a playful physical sadist in reality. It's actually a good sign that you feel guilty about it. You'll feel better about that guilt in the future. I think you have the foundation to be a responsible sadist.

A masochistic partner isn't going to hate you for giving them what they need. I can understand the fear of being hated. People are scared of the unknown and they might judge what they don't understand. I think most people would be accepting of sadomasochism, if it's explained to them and they understand it has nothing to do with serial killers. You know your friend better than I do. I would probably test the waters first to gauge her reaction. What does she think of BDSM when she hears about it in the news?

idk if the reply button worked before and I think it didn't so yeee gonna put it again--

Ummm maybe... Idk I like the thinking of cutting or humilling and such the one I love as my partner...... Altho like I said.... I am afraid of him or her not accepting me because of it....

ummmm well-- when I slightly asked her what she thought about it when we were talking about this type of person she was like "ummmmmmm well... I think everyone has their thinking and I don't like it. Buut who am I to say anything about other ppl's fetishes or even liking?" so yeeee even tho she said it I am not sure if she really meant it... Or if she would find it disgusting if I told her...

Cutting is something you'll have to learn in person from an expert when you're older. Start with something simple like biting your future partner. You probably already knew that, but I wanted to state the obvious because diseases are dangerous!

There's no point in settling for an unhappy relationship. Sexual incompatibility can lead to compromise and resentment.

You don't need to go into detail when you tell your friend. You can just say you're into BDSM and leave it at that. It's not as rare as some people think and it can be perfectly healthy! I would show something like this to concerned people:,_sane_and_consensual

whoa sorry for tha lateness XDD

ummm ye bu I mean using a safe, sterilized blade and such owo not anything that comes in my hand and is sharp XDD and ofc, not cutting too deep, but only on the surface of the skin to reach only the external layer of this material~ -w- ummm but might be good to take even more safe hints if possible XDD

yesh yesh....... tbh....... I kinda..... hurt a friend 2 years ago and (not cutting tho)...... I think it was because of this feeling of liking to inflict pain........... but he got mad and never once he contacted me again.... at that time I was oblivious about me liking to do it..... I felt guilty and so I only decided to do it on someone who is truly fine with it.......

haha she was like whut---- and she started to get confused because my other friend who was trying to help to explain the situation started to make a mistake--- she said I was a masochist instead of a sadist and then my friend was like whut-- O.o;;;; Yaya do you like pain??? and nope in fact I hate it, but ok -w- I said so and she was still confused, so I told her I'd tell her later, but--- tbh no one ever again touched this subject so yeeeep...... and oohhhh I saw that once >< it's good it's good...

1 More Response

I'm currently almost starting a relationship with a dom. He is very considerate to my limits and what I want, surprisingly I ask this, but is this normal?

It's perfectly normal that he's considerate of your limits. I would be concerned about somebody that says they have no limits. Also, sadomasochism is perfectly normal, if everyone involved is an adult that is mentally able to consent. Do you think you're going to feel abnormal after a scene? Although people react differently after scenes, it would help you to spend some time with him afterwards and briefly discuss what happened and then you'll understand it's just another sexual preference. Sadomasochism can be perfectly normal and healthy. Anyway, a lot of people indulge in very mild sadomasochism such as biting their partners.

Why would a sadist choose to be on the bottom?

Because they want to. Service top. Possibly guilt. Learning experience. Many reasons. It's not common, but it happens.

I am kinda new to all this. Right now its a guessing game on y. He says there is a personal meaning. So I am assuming I have to get to know him sexual way.

It's good that you're researching this. It isn't something to rush into. BDSM roles are much more flexible than the media thinks.

im 17, my boyfriend is 19, I think he might be a sadist.. I just found out recently.. he has always been sweet to me outside of sex. hates to see my cry, cuddles me and makes me feel like a loved princess when im upset.. but last time we had sex.. he hurt me. he has never done that before. he kind of forced the sex too.. he ripped off my clothes and came at me from behind and it hurt like hell. every time id whine in pain though, he would whip me with his belt either across the back or on the *** and he would moan when I yelped in pain... I shoved him off of me and tried to get away from him but he looked like an animal. he laughed at the fear in my eyes and I begged him to stop.. but he pushed me down and shoved his **** in my throat and came.. I picked up my clothes and left his house crying I had marks all over me.. he tried to stop me he tried to apologise.. im terrified of him.. he has begged me to come back.. and even though I know he wouldn't seriously injure me, im still afraid and I love him so much... he explained to me he would only do this during sex.. my pain brings him pleasure.. and he has only been good to me so far until that.. if I go back are there any things I need to look out for? or any concerns I should have for my safety?

I'm really sorry to hear about what happened to you. He shouldn't have done any of those things without first talking to you and gaining consent. And even if he did, it's clear you were NOT enjoying this. A decent sadist will play with a safeword and will stop when told to. You're under no obligation to do sexual things just because they please him. I know it's hard to accept that when you love somebody very much. He needs professional help and I would firstly consider your safety and secondly consider reporting him. I'm not gonna lie. That seems like sexual assault. Sadist or not, he's an abuser. Sometimes I am full of guilt, but everything I have done was consensual and full of affection. If you simply cannot help yourself and you return to him despite my warning... please at least tell your friends or family where you go and that might just save your life when they don't see you for a while.

Question for anyone to answer... Is it possible for a Sexual Sadist to be able to have/form a relationship built on love? I mean is it possible for them to really love anyone but themselves?

Yes. Sadism doesn't equal narcissism. Although you could meet someone that's both sadistic and narcissistic. That would be a disaster. I'm hoping that didn't happen to you.

I've fallen in love before. My relationships with non-masochistic people didn't work out though. Sexual incompatibility. I couldn't really express my feelings because I wouldn't do things that they hated and it was going nowhere. My sadism isn't like that of serial killers or movie monsters. It's combined with affection.

Okay this is going to sound very strange but I'm 14 and I really want to get involved in the BDSM community. I read 50 Shades of Grey (don't judge) and I just felt like this is something I really want to experience. I feel like I want to be dominated. I know it will be really hard to find a Dominant at this age and in the place I live. What should I do in the meantime?

Oh my god I'm so glad you understand! I can't really do that yet though because I'm only 14 so I'm not interested in having a serious enough relationship with someone to be able to discuss this with them. But thank you for the advice anyway. I'm glad I'm not the only one

Yeah, they usually ask for ID at BDSM meets, even if all that's usually happening is talking about whatever. For now you can read all about BDSM. It might seem like a long wait, but those years fly by before you realise it. There's some terrible people out there that would take advantage of you. Please stick to people around your age. You can't really have an age gap of more than a year or two during the teen years because the life experiences vary so much. Although I think you already know that, judging from how you responded to somebody else.

I'll tell you something weirder. I was 15 when I pretended to be over 18 online and wrote questionable fanfics lol. I couldn't quite explain why BDSM fascinated me, but now it is obvious.

I guess I'm asking this as a sexual Masochist... Who has little experience with actually meeting someone who is.. not freaked out by my enjoying pain sexually. Obviously I'm not going to ask if It makes me weird to enjoy the things I do... But I'm wondering, from my view point, how do I know? Do I just wonder through life hoping to meet someone who is actually pleasing and stimulating sexually? Or is there some trick? Should I just openly out myself every time I meet someone? Allowing myself to be judged so easily? I've been called weird so many times that I just feel embarrassed at this point. I guess rather than questions, this is me asking for advice, since I don't even know anyone to ask.
Thank you from small Island town isolation

Find out where the nearest gatherings of kinky people occur? You can't be the only frustrated one in the area. I have no idea because I'm not there, but I might consider moving if it were really bad, because 'normal' relationships are frustrating for me. Some people are ignorant and they say weird things. I try to remember they don't know any better and/or they saw a negative example in media. And, of course, most people just aren't into SM beyond some biting.

Hello Meister,

So, I've read through here a bit and I think you might a good person to ask. I myself am a sadist, I'm not a sexual sadist, I'm a psychological sadist with an affinity for sharp things and fractures. Well, that's how I see it.

Anyways, my questions.

1) Do you embrace your sadism? I know you say you can't change it, but do you actually embrace it or do you hate it?
2) Has your sadism ever saved you? Right now I'm in a pretty bad break up and my sadism is the only thing keeping me composed. Like, has your sadism ever offered you that seclusion from reality that ended up helping you through a hard time?
3) Do you think it's possible for a sadist to find a lover? I don't mean a one night stand, or a fling, but a person you're happy to wake up to, a person that accepts you and your needs, a person you can grow old with.
4) Do you think it's a bad idea to tell your close friends that you're a sadist? If not then who else should you tell? Who would you avoid telling?

I guess that's all I can think of right now. This is my first attempt at reaching out to another sadist so I'm not sure about what it's like for others.

Hi, Shadow2233!
1) Yes. I embrace it 99%. There's that 1% of grief because of empathy. I think that's just the way it has to be. Otherwise I could be a sadist with antisocial personality disorder! With that said, I wouldn't change it for the world. I can handle the rare feelings of remorse because it feels so good. Also, I want to be as true as possible to myself. I've tried denying this part of me before and that failed.

2) Yes. There's a theory that sexual fantasies are a form of self-therapy. I've noticed that my fantasies change somewhat depending on how my life is going. People often daydream about things they want, so it makes sense to me. Just remember that it's often an extremely exaggerated need. Your sadistic thoughts can be non-sexual, yet equally amusing and healing for you. As a sidenote, I've found mild masochism to be an escape from myself. The relief afterwards is immense and helps put my life into perspective.

3) Yes. Sometimes I wonder if only masochists, sadists, and sadomasochists truly understand these feelings. I learned the hard way that dating non-masochistic people is a bad idea. There are probably happy sadists with non-masochistic partners, but I know it wouldn't work for me. I need to be loved and enjoyed for what I am. It's a critical component. I don't believe in soul mates. There are many women that are compatible with you and the trouble is finding them. It's difficult disclosing sadism! I can actually relate somewhat to those fears. I'm an affectionate sadist and even if it is an act... I don't relate to cold hard sadists in typical **** videos. I'm highly attuned to noticing real and fake reactions.

4) Depends. I would have to test the water. The best advice I can give you is don't present it to them as if it is the worst thing in the world. I try not to go into detail about what I'm into because I don't want to freak them out. I wouldn't consider it lying if you withheld it from them... maybe they have some fetishes they never tell anyone about. You shouldn't tell employers, family, or people that tell everyone else.
It's an incredibly unique experience for every sadist. I read your story. I am sorry that you're having a difficult time. You will learn from this and become stronger.

Hi MeisterWolf , am very glad that I found someone like you here, umm I will be very happy if you answer my three questions because am in need for the answers.

1- Do sadistic person miss the one he love?

2- can a sadistic person change if he accept changing ?

3- can sadism be innate ever? Or it's always acquired ?


1 - Most sadists are capable of feeling love and empathy.

2 - Somewhat. It depends on the strength/level of the sadism and how it began.

3 - Rarely. It is usually learned in childhood, puberty, or early adulthood.

The average sexual sadist isn't a sadistic serial killer. There was an old term called leptosadism to describe the former. Sorry, I just really felt the need to add that.

Thank you very much for responding , wish you all the best.

Ok... I am new to this "world". I've known I was a sub for a long time but only recently realized that I am also a masochist. There is a new man in my life who is a sadist/master/dom (excuse me if some of those terms mean the same thing). The issue that I'm having is this: he is literally like two different people. One inside the bedroom and one out. When he is not tying me up or hurting me in some way he is the sweetest, kindest, most giving person imaginable. Is this "normal"? I have trouble reconciling the two parts and making sense of it at times. Are you this way also?

I certainly wasn't that way in my teens and I've got a long way to go. But I want to be a kind person. I was apathetic and now I'm hyperaware of pain and suffering. It's overwhelming at times. I feel split between a decent human being and a monster. Recently more merged because I've read plenty psychology books that helped to understand and deal with guilt. With that said, I prefer to be somewhat caring in the bedroom and put my partner's pleasure above my own. Inflicting pain is too much fun to give up, even if it conflicts with my empathy. Of course, I don't like to admit this in character! Afterwards I need to hold and spend time with my 'victim.' This reassures me I'm not really a monster. I hope that is useful for you.

That was somewhat helpful, actually. Thanks

Hi, i'm not sure if this is how you ask a question here...
But i'm a little curious about sadism and I was wondering whether you could help me out. I'm a psychology student and after reading the Fifty Shades Trilogy I was quite sure she got her characters' behaviour a little wrong. So my question is - Can a person change his/her sadistic character as Grey (If he was a sadist) did in the book? I understand that its a work of poor fiction, but basically do you ever feel like you can change for someone else?
Also, how different are Sadism and Dominance? Thank you.

Hi! You're correct. Those characters are unhealthy examples. Christian Grey doesn't respect Anastasia Steele and that is an abusive relationship. I used to feel as if I were on a crusade against that book but now I think whatever. It reminds me of the difference between **** and sex. It doesn't accurately depict typical BDSM relationships. I'm not gonna pretend we kinksters have it all together. Abuse occurs just like in regular relationships. There are safeguards against it but there's only so much we can do. It could happen if a person ignored all safeguards and played with somebody they don't know.

Sadism can probably be changed if the person picked it up recently. It also depends how strong the preference for sadism is. Many personality traits can be changed in around 90 days with conditioning. A strong preference for sadism that has lasted for most of their life? It's better to accept it. I've tried to repress it and basically drowned in guilt. What's wrong with sadism if a masochist consents and society allows violent sports such as boxing? Asking me to remove my sadism is similar to asking someone to remove their enjoyment of sex. Personally, I wouldn't change for anyone else because then I'm no longer myself. I guess Christian Grey's sadism was quite unhealthy and that's why he had to change because fictional characters can change whenever convenient? I'm sorry if I seemed angry here... it wasn't my intent!

Sadism and dominance can be separate. A dom doesn't necessarily need to be sadistic. All the roles are actually quite dynamic. The person doing things is the top. The person taking things is the bottom. The aggressor is the dom. The passive one is the sub. To enjoy inflicting pain is (usually) sadism. To enjoy receiving pain is (usually) masochism. It's entirely possible to have a sadistic submissive top or a masochistic dominant bottom. Yes, a masochist giving orders to a sadist!

Hi! This is really helpful actually! I'm doing a review of the book for my Psychology class and this insight really helped. Thank you. :)
Can sexual sadism and a form of masochism occur together? My conclusion points to Grey exhibiting both personality traits, among others.

But Thank You for the response.

You're welcome. Psychology is an amazing subject! Yes, you're probably aware that sadism and masochism coexist in a sadomasochistic person. Although they appear to complement each other; sadism and masochism are separate in a medical context. They don't necessarily exist on the same spectrum. I think a sadist is slightly more likely to be masochistic than a non-sadist and a masochist is slightly more likely to be sadistic than a non-masochist. That's only my personal conclusion. Maybe I should research statistics pertaining to sadomasochism, despite the inherent flaws in, uh, statistics xD

Personally, I have a mild masochistic streak because of my morbid curiosity. I've hurt myself worse than I'd allow another person to do. I'm fascinated by masochists and wish to understand their world. I don't consider myself to be a masochist. It is less about pain and more about anticipation and burning the memory into my mind for future reference.

Grey's certainly an abusive stalker and a rapist. It's okay because it's fictional. I'm not gonna lie. My fantasies are more violent than my actions in real life. A lot of people probably have a few fantasies they'd never want to do and/or hate in reality! I felt extremely guilty about them for a long time.

Um I was just wondering, is there any way to subtly tell if someone is a sadist? Like, I don't want to go up to someone and say "Hey are you sadistic or what?" Thanks.

Hi! Yes. They introduce themselves as a sadist at a BDSM munch. That isn't where you find people to date, but it can be a gateway to a new world.

If somebody asked me if I'm sadistic, I'd tell them that sadism exists on a spectrum and say that yes I am a kinkster and mention consent. You could ask someone that when it wouldn't seem weird to talk about sex, so you'll find people are more open about it online. IRL you should ask what they think about some BDSM in the news and test the waters. As much as 50 Shades of Grey is wrong about BDSM, it has helped people to talk more openly about it. The dominant guy in the book is abusive and it reads like a generic **** movie without a plot. I hope people do their research if they're interested in BDSM and that they won't trust ****. My main concern is that some people might try to do the things they read in the book and be unsafe about it... they could restrain their partner with silk ties and cut off the blood circulation. I could recommend some non-fiction books. I think somebody should make a joke about how some kinksters study sex and are able to discuss it while eating breakfast and not feel weird at all.

It is difficult to tell if someone is sadistic unless you've read a lot of psychology and you often talk to the suspected sadist. The criminal sadist is obviously, uh, obvious when the police catch them. The sexual sadist is an elusive creature. He or she can be an introvert or an extrovert. I would say there's a perfectionist streak in most sadists that isn't always apparent at first. You can only tell so much about a person by the entertainment they enjoy. My sadism is only one trait of my personality and it often surprises people when I admit it. I believe I personally express my sadism through my fascination with 'morbid' things (for example I read about serial killers) and yet remain refined about it -- I don't believe people should think serial killers are cool. Since I have empathy, people often don't see the guilt that has followed me throughout my life, although it seriously decreased when I learned that sadomasochism is okay. I think about much more violent things than I do... and I guess it makes sense when you learn that many people have rape fantasies that they would never do in real life! It's safe to play around in our minds and even a nun has thought about murder once xD

Hi, thanks for the responses - really great to read through. I've got loads of questions about how sadists tick, I think I have a small sadist inside me too.

So, I get a real thrill out of watching domination and submission in *********** - I'm very much on the sub side myself with other guys. I love it if the dominant takes a sadistic pleasure in what he is doing. When I watch that kind of thing the turn on's for me are the mind games and the little displays of power. There's a kind of electricity there when the dom has taken over the sub, that can't be faked by pornstars unless they are the real deal.

My question is, how do you see and feel those things either in real life or when watching ****? Does the sexual high come along with say striking a blow, or is it more about the total scene - perhaps tipped off by a whimper of vulnerability and fear before the next strike?

That's a good question because honestly I don't know the answer. I love being in control and I enjoy inflicting pain. I want to see fear and love. I want to hear whimpering and begging for more. I have to say that as I get older I'm falling in love with the psychological idea behind my urges. Pain is the most fun way to cause suffering. I cut myself (quick slash on the thigh) a week or two ago just to know exactly how one of my knives hurt. I can recall the memory when needed. I watched **** yesterday. Such a disregard for safety and terribly unrealistic. Artistic license, I guess. **** is designed to get you off, not to be sane. I've never made partners scream that much! With consent I'll take what I want. I love to be given trust and I'll work to earn it.

Thanks. It's interesting that you have a high regard for safety and consent. Guys that I've met that definitely were sadists also shared that characteristic - although to be fair I wouldn't have met otherwise, there may well be plenty others that don't. It's a contradiction.

I was once suspended for a beating (nothing too serious). I wanted the suspension, he wanted to do the beating. Later, I could see that major straps were replicated - so if one gave way, the resulting collapse wouldn't have caused danger. That's attention to detail and safety!

This is quite a personal question so, obviously, you might choose not answer it. But do you actually empathise for purely selfish reasons? If you stick to the SSC rules and chose consenting playmates then (a) there's less risk to you of any consequences and (b) the person is likely to come back so you get to go around again?

Outside of those benefits, does caring about the other person's experience actually contradict sadism? Or, to put it another way, would you prefer to work unconsensually if it was absolutely guaranteed that there would be no come back? I know this could only be hypothetical. It would certainly be more horrific for the other person, even if it didn't involve excessive violence, and therefore better for you.

This is a genuine question. I mean no disrespect. As a sub (although not a masochist) I was using those guys as much as they were using me. I'm just interested in understanding the other side of how the game is played.

Hey just want to know does dominance and sadism go hand in hand!? And also what makes most sadist want to hurt more!?

Usually they are combined. However, there are submissive sadist and dominant masochist roles. Some people have a dynamic role that changes. What makes me want to cause more pain is feeling blood. Also hearing crying, begging, and screams. Most importantly; trust. A sadist that is well-adjusted will probably be pleased that a masochist enjoys the torment. If a guy wants to hurt you without your consent ... get the hell out of there. SM does not have to take over an entire relationship... it usually remains in the bedroom. We should leave the 24/7 stuff to the professionals... they have references to keep you safe. If you're going to play with a sadistic guy for the first time... please give friends/family a rough estimate of when you'll be back... and maybe no restraining the first few times, just do some mild DS. You should build up trust before you put your life into the hands of another person.

Well I was dating a guy who said he was a "slight sadist" he also says he needs me to enjoy I thought cool its kinda kinky..I always like a bit of pain...but no he then told me he had a knife and ****...dunno if he was just trying to scare me or what but not taking risks...on the texts I was so so terrified but I never let him see that I said yeah whatever and played it cool...but hes tone got very angry in response to that...of course ill never see him again..but im glad I know know what a sadist is..cos I never thought they existed much..dont wanna kill ur fun but at times is it best to have no reaction like a poker face and a cool calm demenour to deflect if u were unaffected or maybe acted a bit bored..would that stop them!? Also what do other sadists think of other fellow sadists..!?

Slight sadist with a knife in hand... uh, right xD That's similar to me, but I don't take it lightly. Small knives only. He should start with a sterile10a scalpel if he wants to cut a partner. We have to worry about tons of precautions and preventing infection. Unless of course, as you said; he just wanted to scare you. People need a lot of trust for that to work. It would be frustrating to get no reactions. I want to see that I'm causing pain! However, even if a person hides it, I'll know it hurts, because I can imagine it myself. I'll become angry and feel less control if a person doesn't react.

Yes, that's one of the best ways to deflect a sadist. That's what they teach the police to do when they interrogate sadistic serial killers. Remain cool and calm. Sadists prey on fear and some can tell when a person is pretending to be relaxed or bored. Some do not mind a challenge and think they can break a person. Almost everyone eventually breaks. There have been a few people in this world that set themselves on fire and put on a brave face until they died. It's truly rare though. If a criminal sadist wants to hurt you, they'll probably keep at it, unless they are very weak minded. You would only deter most non-criminal sadists that don't want to seriously kill people.

Sadists can learn from each other. I think they're fun to talk to. I don't respect most criminal sadists and even some well-adjusted sadists are difficult to respect.

hi, ive had an issue on my mind for quite a while now about pleasure from pain. ever since I was little (5-6 years old) ive enjoyed werewolf movies with painful transformations, with the people suffering and just being in pain, but it was never a 'sexual' thing, it was more like a really deep love for the character (like the sort of feeling you get when you talk to your crush) I just loved the characters when they had to go through something painful. as I grew up and watched more films/ anime, there were more and more scenes that I noticed where people were being in pain. in Japanese anime, there are a lot of people with fevers, so that was pretty weird for me. even if it was a character I hated, I would fall in love with them, or rather their suffering, for that scene. but I've never felt like inflicting pain on others, and I don't find causing emotional pain on others fun. I don't find it sexual when someone breaks a leg or something tho, unless there supressing pain. I dunno, im really confused, would I be a sadist or not?

What do you want to do to the suffering people? If you want to help them, you're a very empathic person. A sadist would want to hurt them and/or find it sexually arousing. Since this isn't sexual for you, I'm pretty confused! I've heard of transformation fetishes. I wouldn't say you have one though.

hmmm I don't know weather I would help them or not... ive never been in a situation where I could help in real life, and its not really sexual, its more like my heart skips a beat when I see someone's painful face and I just kinda wanna watch..

You don't identify with them? I'm not saying you're masochistic, that seems unlikely. I think it must be an empathy thing. Somehow even characters you dislike are made loveable when they're hurting. If they survive, and they're no longer hurting, do you still like them, or has the love then gone? If it is only during, then... I've never heard of that before. It could simply be the extreme emotions displayed (especially if you like their reactions) that trigger something, even if it's not sexual.

when they are no longer in pain, it just goes back to square one... its always been confusing for me... maybe I just find pain cute?

1 More Response

I'm not a sadist, but I'm deeply curious about the human mind. I've only found this post now. I have a few questions, if you feel like answering I'd appreciate a lot. Don't need to answer all of course... thanks!<br />
<br />
1) Is your sadism necessarily sexual? Do you like it for exactly the same purpose a person would like sex or ***********?<br />
<br />
2) You said you could write an entire essay about why it feels good. I'd be interested to see that.. Can you share just a few more words?<br />
<br />
3) You mentioned that this is your idea of "expressing love". Perhaps I'm not smart enough, but I can't see a connection there, can you try to explain to me in what sense that would be love? What kind of love do you mean? Just sex? To me love is affection, it's the total opposite of hurting. <br />
<br />
4) If you find yourself a masochist partner, don't you fear you both could loose control over your lust and end up hurting irreversibly or killing that person? Don't you feel this lust is too much of a risk? <br />
<br />
5) Do you feel that this sadism is a pathology? Of course this idea doesn't sound pleasant to you, but do you think a sadist could be "cured"?

1) It's not amusing, it's hot. I can't turn it off. I don't know how it feels to be otherwise. Most sadists enjoy both sex and inflicting pain. I love inflicting pain. A few sexual things are okay... they just don't give me enough of a rush.

2) An entire essay wouldn't do justice to this feeling, nor would all the books in the world. It's about trust, love, and intense sensations. I don't really have enough time to devote to this task. I had more time when I was a teenager and I wrote this story. I'm in my early 20s.

3) Masochists enjoy pain, but usually not all types of pain. When a sadist inflicts pain on a masochist; that replaces sex, or enhances sex. I enjoy affection as well. Do you express love through sex? What if I said I like hugs? If I only hurt somebody, that's lust.

4) Yes. This isn't something I take lightly! Mistakes can still occur, despite my preparation. I deal with them. Safe, sane, and consensual. Risk-aware consensual kink. You might wish to google those terms.

5) Yes, my brain is wired a weird way, this is not 'normal'. I would be extremely unwilling to be cured. I don't consider it to be a 'negative' thing. If you are a sexual person (thus not asexual), would you enjoy someone telling you to remove the desire for sex? However, a sadist that is willing to be cured, might have some success, but not 100%. They could develop coping methods through therapy. I'd only consider getting 'help' if it negatively impacted my life, such as what depression, bipolar, and anxiety disorders can do to people.

Thanks man.

I'm fascinated by this because you seem to perceive things in a different way. I'd like to be able to see with your eyes you know. I wouldn't like to enjoy it as well, but to understand what is it that you "see" that I don't.

I say this documentary of a japanese man that murdered and ate a woman. Please don't be offended, I'm not comparing you with him at all - he was a psychopath - but just to illustrate my point. It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen, but at the same time one of the most fascinating. A completely "normal" man on the surface.. but where does that weird urge comes from? How can someone have pleasure in doing such thing? What makes him tick, you know what I mean? What connection does his mind make?

At times I've wondered how a psychopath sees the world. I don't want to lose my empathy, though. Some psychopaths are also sadistic, then I can relate somewhat with them, but... the lack of consent and dead people being unable to feel pain... why would they do that. There's no love in their work. It's selfish and savage. You can't really compare it with rape, but it reminds me of it!

The best way to explain how I see things... switch sex and sadism. Yes, it can be awkward, such as when somebody got his foot ran over by a car... all I could think was 'I hope it crushed the bone' and I felt excited against my will. It's akin to walking in on your friends having sex. Anyway it can be useful to be comfortable in situations that make most people sick. I wasn't upset seeing a bone sticking out and I managed to comfort my coworker. At least two others fainted.

Cannibalism? I wonder what goes through their minds. It doesn't make sense to me. I talked to a guy that enjoyed vore, he said he enjoyed eating, sex, and closeness, so he wanted to combine all three. Have you read about Albert Fish? He ate children. I don't understand 'people' such as that!

I believe a psychopath is someone devoid of empathy. He can perhaps understand empathy and manipulate others through that understanding, but he himself doesn't feel it. They are always very intelligent and manipulative as far as I know. I think psychopaths are born this way, whereas a sadistic person becomes sadistic through child experiences. When you put both cases in the same person, you got the real danger. I'm just guessing though, I'm far from expert on this subject. Do you agree?

As for cannibalism, I think it's some form of synesthesia. The person can exchange and associate different sensations and get himself a super high sensation. I also think it originates from childhood experiences.

They have cognitive empathy, but no emotional/compassionate empathy. You're correct with that one. They're not always very intelligent, though, they just have the confidence to use whatever intelligence they have to the fullest extent. Charles Starkweather had around average intelligence, he was extremely rash. Also there was another psychopath that blamed a murder on a horse... she wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed! I'm fascinated by the gender differences between psychopaths and serial killers. The women usually target those close to them and the men choose random people. Of course there are exceptions. I'm almost certain that the gender differences between serial killers are usually due to the influence of society. Men are encouraged to be boisterous boys and women are told to be gentle girls.

You're debating nature/nurture, which is one of the oldest arguments in the field of psychology. The answer is both. I think most psychopaths have a predisposition to psychopathy and life experiences aggravate the condition... especially childhood. There are plenty psychopaths out there in the world of business, they aren't always 'nice', but they aren't killing/torturing people. What differentiates them is likely a nurturing childhood and a lack of highly stressful environmental factors. Of course it doesn't stop some of them... human personality is much too vast to be perfectly understood. Most people who are abused, do NOT become abusers... usually because they don't have the predisposition to psychopathy.

When they catch a serial killer, they examine their lives, they look for ANYTHING that might explain it. Humans, are fond of patterns, they find them even when they don't make sense. The problem is... there is order in chaos, and nature doesn't follow patterns (except fractals?) The more simple something is, the more complex it becomes, and vice versa. I would look at each case as an individual. I studied psychology in college and it is a special interest of mine. I'm not an expert. I still read a lot about serial killers and psychopathy. I'm a extremely enthusiastic researcher, so I understand why you also study it with such vigor. Plenty teenagers say they are fascinated by serial killers, but how many of them maintain that interest for years? It reminds me of when I first read about quantum mechanics. When you're super interested by something, it almost consumes you, there's a powerful motivation to learn, which again leads us back to psychology!

Thanks man, this been eye-opening to me...
I agree, I feel human personality and it's motives are far from being fully understood. Part of me really would like to solve that 'puzzle', that thing that's so screwed up.

You talked about patterns, I believe we always urge to find them because they are so helpful. Finding a pattern in crimes helps preventing more to happen. But very interesting thought, perhaps they focus too much on them, creating themselves false premises when analyzing criminal minds.

The best thing I can think of to prevent this kind of crime is good education. I think it's all about growing up, being stimulated with the values of living in society. I've come to understand that we can change what we love and what stimulates us. When I hate something that another person loves, I push myself to love that too. I'm always doing that. I used to hate noise music, so I listened to it a lot, till I "got it". Today I like it a lot. Mushrooms such as shimeji used to make me almost throw up, but since some people love it so much, I pushed myself to "understand" that appreciation. What I mean is that there are all kinds of pleasures and passions in the world, and I believe we are all able to pursuit healthy ones, ones that do not hurt the values of society. This should be taught in schools.

I think this 'industrial' education model which seems to be the standard everywhere in the world is quite pathetic. I even believe sometimes it does more bad than good. Anyways, that's a whole other complex subject, haha.

4 More Responses

Is it weird that I want a boyfriend with sadistic tendencies? My boyfriend right now is very caring and sweet but sometimes I wish that he was more... Aggressive? For lack of better words.

No, it isn't weird. If you want him to hurt you, you'll have to ask him, even for sadists it can be confusing to hurt their partners. If you tell him that you enjoy it, that might reassure him. However, if he isn't a sadist, you'll have to focus on other aspects of your sex life. It depends how important pain is to you. Perhaps you could reach a compromise with him just being a little rougher than usual. Some masochists aren't happy in 'normal/vanilla' relationships. Are you sure you're not simply wanting him to be more active and/or dominant, as opposed to inflicting pain on you? A sadist can be a dom, switch, sub, master, slave, top, versatile, bottom, or a combination thereof. Also rigid roles aren't for everyone. I know that shame often gets in the way of people unleashing their desires, so there could be some of that as well, especially if you are his first relationship.

I'm curious about sadists and how they love. Do you feel more inclined to hurt the ones you love the most or is hurting them maybe how you express your love? Do sadists typically feel love towards their masochists?

Depends on the sadist. I imagine murder in my head... I don't do that in real life. In real life I need love, I have empathy, I show affection, hugs aren't a crime. I could enjoy hurting somebody that I don't find attractive, yet I might feel sick after it. It's much more enjoyable to hurt a person that's hot, their reactions are awesome. It's all the better if they're a masochist and you know this is what they need and enjoy. While it's good fun to refer to people as chewtoys and equate them to maintaining your car, I don't feel that way inside. It used to be difficult to admit such 'weakness' openly. I learned that it is a strength. I don't think I knew that when I first wrote the story.

Do people typically feel love towards the partners they have sex with? It's like that. I would argue that most sadists do feel love and probably feel bad about their urges until they learn it is okay because they have empathy. I've had lust relationships before and I must say I prefer love relationships. I got nothing against people that like safe sex with many people and so on.

I don't want to hurt everyone I care about. I would vomit at the thought of beating up my parents or friends. I only desire to hurt those I find hot. Be well.

So wow... I am interested in all you are discussing. I am a psychologist. I have fallen in love with someone who has sadistic tendancies for sure. I have several questions how old were you when you realized you felt like this? Did something happen to you that caused these feelings? Are you only into causing the pain? When is your birthday and where were you born? I study astrology so doing your chart analyses would potentially be reveiling for certain things if you allow me.

Sure. I want people to know that I'm not a super-villain that wants to destroy the world! I simply got this quirk in my sexuality. My dad said I bit him when I was 2 but what baby doesn't bite? Must have been testing teeth. I don't remember this! I was 4 or 5 when I beat into a boy with a toy sword and a playgroup worker pulled me off. That might not have too much to do with sadism, since I don't thinks young kids know what they're doing exactly. When I was 6 I thought about stabbing some of my classmates to death. It was more intense by the time I was 8. In hindsight I loved these thoughts. I didn't do it because I knew very well it was wrong. You gotta keep in mind I lived within say 2 miles of a dangerous prison! I wanted to be a 'good' person. Yes, much conflict. I saw a woman bleed to death when I was 8 and felt terrible I didn't know how to help and wondered if people didn't care. Also my world was never the same again after we got sex ed at age 8. It shocked me. I blocked it out for a long time. I reckon most sadists enjoy sex as well as inflicting pain. I love the latter and I am unsure about the former. I'm not asexual though. I got into a lot of playfights (we always made up and no serious injuries at least!) in my childhood and that stopped when I went to high school at age 11. I was extremely withdrawn during high school due to bullying. I learned what sadomasochism was when I was 15. I have no criminal convictions but I did go off the walls a little during my late teen years! Recently I've been quite peaceful. I didn't truly find myself as a well-adjusted person until I hit 20. The sadism was more easy to accept than my bisexuality. I came out of my shell in college at 16. I think I was born sadistic and some events just made it more powerful. I don't like feeling pain, although I am willing to endure a bit for a person that gains my respect, trust, and love, really for the submissive aspect. I'll message you with my birthday.