I Am A Realist. Ask Me Anything.

Comment or msg me your problems, your predicaments, anything you want advice about and I will give it to you straight. Some people need a push, some people need support, some people need a slap in the forhead, or some people just need to be punched in the face.

Let me know what your problem is and I will give you some forward advice with no sugarcoating. I won't be mean, but I will be straight with you.

forheadslap forheadslap
40 Responses Dec 14, 2009

Hello Chumis. Well if you have a boyfriend, why would that guy think that he could be with you? You are currently 'unavailable' and without the option, maybe he started falling for your best friend. It could be too late...then again maybe not...either way, it's unattractive and desperate to break up with someone FOR someone other than yourself! So if you are falling for others, your b/f is clearly not for you, and you should break it off regardless, as it may have already cost you one guy. I'd maybe break it off with him, tell the guy you like that he just wasn't for you, and be flirtatious with that guy. Either way though, you should be open to meeting new ppl.<br />
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Apotter, that's very odd for your husband to ask so much from you. $60,000???? SRSLY? That's a **** ton of money that he OWES you. The fact that he asked to BORROW for HIS business, that means he took out a loan. Now if he took out a 60k loan from a bank, then what would the bank have him do? Start making payments, and would they give him MORE money when no payments have been made? No. I think you need to start looking at it from the outside. I think you should have him start making payments, because it sounds like with the online sex, the expecting so much out of you, the not giving you anything (I'm assuming not even the recognition you deserve or many thanks for his business that wouldn't be here if it weren't for you). It just sounds like he doesn't respect you. I'd have him start making payments, I think that'd make him respect you all around more. He needs to see he can't walk on you. And if he walks away because of it...then is it someone you really want to be with anyone?

i think i may be married to a gold digger. he seems to have married me because of my resume and my earning capacity. he has borrowed $60000 from me. he wants to borrow more to put it into his company. any time he makes a profit he ploughs it back into his company by buying more computers or hiring more people. he has been at it for 18 years and does not have much to show. he talks about the need for me to make more money so both of us can be comfortable. is this normal in a marriage? i also caught him on sex chats, which he stopped since I confronted him. but i also found a condom missing from our stack last week. he says i am imagining things. does this man want to be with me for my money? we hardly have had sex in our 15 month marriage.

Hi! Well, I'm 15 years old and i'm in love with this very cute guy that's graduating this year.. He's like very important for me, he's a very good friend and so funny..I mean I don't know why but (I may sound .. silly or something..) I feel he's just perfect for me, really perfect! Someone told me he's in love with my "best friend" and I don't know if that's true..but I just want him to fall in love with me .. The worst part is that these last days he has been distant, we don't talk everyday and well, I think he's going away, somewhere far from here to study and I won't see him all the days.. and that's making me feel very sad..I also have a boyfriend an still love the other guy..! I don't know if I want an advice or something.. I just needed someone to make me realize he doesn't love me..i think and well ..make me stop daydreaming with him everyday! thanks

I'm confused as to why you do not wish to recover. Have you thought of seeking counseling? You should care about yourself enough to want to recover. No you are not a bad person for sort of wishing she didn't recover, that's totally normal. You do not want to be alone...but I'm sure she selfishly wishes you would recover if not for yourself then for her, so that you can be on the same page again. Rather than wishing for her to lapse, perhaps you should try yourself to be better. Besides, how can you truly ever care about someone if you don't care about yourself?

I'm a self harming anorexic, my best friend recently recovered from both, and I'm really happy for her. but I feel like she has left me behind, alone. I mean I dont want to recover at all I'm happy as I am, I guess I just missing having her to talk to and understand. We just to motivate and help each other and now it feels like I'm all alone. Does it make me a really horrible person that a part of me wishes she'd never recovered???

If a man or woman really cares about you, really likes you, and you open yourself up to be honest and vulnerable with them, and they are anything but flattered, then they don't like you enough. Of course this doesn't mean on the 2nd date to go spilling your exact feelings for them. And while i don't believe in 'playing games,' you both should have enough of a life that you can't be together every second even if you wanted to. Make time for your other friends, and yes, let each other miss you, give each other a break, and be understanding about it.<br />
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Men nowadays are more used to women giving it up easily (which do those relationships ever last? Is a girl who sleeps with a guy on the 3rd date someone he'll take home to meet his mother or respect? Hell no.) or women texting them and 'chasing them'. It is natural instinct for men to chase. A lot of women seem to have forgotten along the way that WE HAVE THE POWER in the relationship. It's called sex! I think more and more women are slowly starting to realize this and letting the guys chase them, making the guys work for it, which is how it should be. Because if they can be ******** but still get a piece, most of them will.<br />
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But if you truely care for someone and vice versa, you should both be overjoyed that you feel the same way and want nothing more to be together. This is a bit more complicated for men, as men do have to 'feel like men' before they commit to anything. So if there is an area in their life they need to work on, chances are they don't feel good enough for you quite yet and are waiting to fix that. Should you wait for him? Hell no, but I'd definitely keep it as an open option, just make sure you're still out doin' your thang =)

I have heard people say to never open your heart to a man because he may take advantage of you, or "he got you." I don't understand this; this is something that boggles my mind. I mean, if a woman (or man, in opposite situations) opens her heart out to you, why not listen.? Why not take it in? These are the same people that b*tch and complain about not having a good man/woman, yet they go for clueless, dramatic girls with no personality but big T&A. This is not an insecurity question, but I believe in letting a person know how you feel, not that BS they tell you what to do in Cosmo magazine (I have never followed anything in that publication; for the ones that do are idiots). Another question: why do men tell you they like you, they care for you, all this crap, but yet you have messages in your phone from another woman saying they miss you in bed last night; on top of that, you are sending messages calling a female brown sugar and telling them they are looking good as usual. But yet again, you care so much for me you want to be with me. WTF? I will not wait for you; don't give me big talk like we have a future together. Either we are going to do this or not. I consider myself a realist as well; I wish people would stop with the BS, get some balls, have some guts, and just say what's really going on. I hate BS. Please give me the straight truth about this. Thanks...

Thank You Kindal. Dead Kennedys once sang "Every theory has its holes when real life steps in", but that one has done me well for quite a while so it all smiles! :D


I have my own set of values, morals and ethics such as not sleeping with someone you're not in love with. Sometimes, due to society, I question that. Some people I blend so well with, and countless others I feel different. I can still hang just fine, but yet feel so apart.<br />
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Even with these negative feelings, I know in my heart that I am a good person and I have grown strong from all that I have been through. <br />
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I think I am here to help people, to be a good friend and I've been there for countless friends that have admitted they dared to turn to no one else.

The housing market seems to be leaning more towards buyers (at least in the neighboring state of Utah it is) so that's a bonus for you to be buying down there. <br />
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If you have kids, how beneficial/important would it be to have your 'close family' there to help you watch and take care of them, and for them to see their family?<br />
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And I know the housing market looks good, but have you checked out the job market in that area? I would go to websites like monster.com and jobs.az.gov and see how the job availability is looking. <br />
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If there are jobs galore (in something paying enough and that you qualify for) and houses are selling well in your area and your kids seeing your close family not very often isn't that important to you, I would move to AZ. Also remember in the summer it can get like 115 regularly down there!<br />
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Hope this helps!

OK! Ask you anything.... well, I have a steay job at a hopsital I kinda like... kinda.. .and my husband has a job as a case manager for adult mental disability patients. We are currently living in PA... not tryin to have kids, but not trying NOT too... and we took a trip to Phoenix AZ to see my sister and new neice. Now because the weather is so nice... were considering moving there... the housing market there is great right now! BUT... we have close family here, and are "comfortable" right now... but also I might add that we are trying to sell our house due to space and location. SHOULD WE MOVE ACROSS THE U.S.???

And optimists are more disappointed than pessimists lol. Not that I'm condoning to be either, just sayin.

Wardy131, A pessemist is what a fantasist calls a realist. Besides, Pessemists are nicely surprised more often than optomists (fantasists).

Life will always have it's hardships. Unfortunately we can't appreciate the good without the bad, the ups without the downs. However the more things you have been through and experience, it helps you to avoid making those mistakes again, or to recognize when something could potentially hurt you later so that you can prepare yourself.<br />
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My point is this: no, life does not get easier, but yes it does get better. As you grow older, you consequently grow stronger just from dealing with everyday life and the hardships it brings, and you can better handle, or even avoid entirely, getting hurt as often or as deeply as you are when you're younger. <br />
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I hope that helps.

I have never seen people older than me express such an intensely negative emotions, besides anger. Depression an angst are something that plague my life at this time.. I always felt that I was just being dramatic at my young age, and that when I grew older those feelings would not necessarily disappear, but at the the very least by lessened significantly.<br />
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Do you think that I'm too hopeful? Or perhaps I'm not hopeful enough. I can hardly know, and as you don't know me, I'm sure it is hard for you to give an honest response. <br />
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I want life to be better. Did your life get better as you grew older?

Honestly, I know it's hard to picture your life without him now, but what would he do if you were having little online flings? And he may only be telling you they're nothing because that's all you know. If you found out he slept with one, then he would tell you it meant nothing and he was having a weak moment, or some excuse I'm sure. Men don't yearn for chit chat to pass the time, if he's looking into other women, I bet it's a physical thing, and obviously if you've caught him before, he knows you'll still put up with it, so why would he stop?<br />
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I would try a separation. Maybe stay at your parents or a family members and tell him that you need time to yourself, and figure out where you want to go from there. That alone may make him chase you. He's not worried about losing you at all right now. He feels he can do anything and you'll always be there. It's not fair for him to feel that way, and he needs to know you respect yourself enough that he needs to start respecting you.<br />
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For further advice, I suggest read Think Like a Man, Act Like a Lady, by Steve Harvey.

After 24 yrs of my marriage,with 4 grownup daughters,was wondering 4 the missing bliss of my conjugal love,coz my hubby has involved himself with so many little involvement with women,no strong affairs, but even on net one by one ,several times caught by myself,yet ,given me the answers that all those things r simply time pass,no love,yet,always busy in his official life ,no time 4 me and my kids to spend in home...I love him v much ,always tried my best to know his reason of indifference,being always submissive ,though many times argumentative.......but till date not finding any solutions,always wondering .wats my mistake?plz ,I need to know wat to do!

Not necessarily, but even if he isn't over you, he's obviously trying to get over you and has definitely given up entirely on being in a relationship with you. If I were you, I would move on, try not to worry about him, as seemingly impossible as that is. I'm sorry.

My ex has a girlfriend..does that mean he's over me?

If I were you, I would invest in a netbook or laptop, if you don't already have one, and anything you need to do on a computer (homework is a good one) take it to a coffee shop and do it there. I spent so much time at coffee shops when I was having this similar problem (I'd also go hang out with friends) and most are open til at least 10, then you can just go home and go to bed after. Distancing yourself should really help.<br />
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Or, if you know specifically why you can't stand your family, you could sit down and have a real heart to heart conversation with each of them and try and work out your differences. Tell them to get off your back for awhile and that you're stressed.<br />
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Hope that helps.

hey. my problem is i have a family i cant stand. but i have to live with them every day. what should i do?

No prob. Msg me if you need more 'private' advice or to vent or anything =).

Hmmm what do you mean 'the way you handled it?' You handled it just fine from the sound of it. You gave her space and time, for 6 months you didn't try to push her forward or demand that she commit to you in anyway. And you offered to just be friends after, which is always nice. But as it stands now, I would definitely leave her alone and count your losses.<br />
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Perhaps your ex guilted her into going out with you? And she feels bad for leading you on for so long? If anyone should 'look back at what they did wrong' it is your ex imo. If she really wanted to 'move on' then she should've just left you alone entirely instead of pushing someone at you, when you're hurt and alone. It makes sense you dated her when you were feeling that way.<br />
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I'm sure you're in a lot of pain, and in your small community, maybe it's best you move? And I don't how you feel now, but I definitely can't handle long distance relationships. I've had one, it ended badly as well. It sounds to me though, that you did nothing wrong, you seemed so patient for everyone, you definitely deserve better than them.

Yes, I do think you are way ahead of yourself. There is a reason why you're not considered an adult until you're 21 years old. There's also a reason it takes two to make a baby, it is hard raising one on your own. why do you plan on adopting instead of having one on your own? Why do you plan on adopting instead of having one on your own?<br />
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However, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being prepared and doing research on it. So research away, then if you decide when you're 21, and you're still single, then you'll know everything you need to about adopting and getting it done fast. <br />
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However, I wouldn't talk of the research to possible boyfriends or your parents, you wouldn't want to give them the wrong idea. Good things take time. Just wait a few years and see. Also, if you can't support yourself financially, you definitely can't support yourself and a baby. When you have a baby, you want to be able to provide it with the best, right?

I really want to adopt a child someday and enjoy researching adoption and the procedures needed to be done and so on. <br />
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I will be 16 next month. Do you think I'm ahead of myself?

Isla<br />
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What really ****** me off, is Disney. Now don't get me wrong, as an adult, and a kid even, I love Disney. Even now, Princess Frog was great, and at least they had a much more modern look on the princess finding her own happiness FOR ONCE.<br />
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But all the other movies, the princess is miserable, or dead, until the prince comes along! It teaches us at such a young age that we NEED a man to be happy. We need a Prince to come along for our happily ever after. We are also taught, oh, if a boy is mean to you, that's just cuz he likes you. Then as we grow up come the romantic comedies...all of it is such bull **** fantasy. <br />
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There is real love. There are real relationships, that you just sort of fall into, it feels good, and easy, but in the long run, ALL TAKE WORK! Even friendships!

Hello Adi. I think eventually, if we stay there long enough, there will be peace in the middle east. However, I think we went about the war the entirely wrong way. Most wars have an end goal, free the Jews, free the slaves, get land, etc. We went into Iraq, just trying to take out some terrorists, so how do we know when we've won the war or not? Are we supposed to stay there forever?! It's ridiculous.

i have just come across your blog and hun thank you i am gladly say there should be more of u out there <br />
i read the first page of the comments and yes i have my own sad break up story <br />
let me ask u this why the **** does hollywood sugar coat **** like that it really does **** me off <br />
after the whole breakup fiasco my best mate gave me a book the hes just not into you book and i read it took it in mind and then when the movie came out i was al like yep gonna be a good movie for once a non romance romance and u know what it pissed me off the thing is about hes just not into you so move on thats the whole message through the book but yet they all ended up happily ever after with the guys they broke up with it pissed me off. <br />
so thankyou for not sugar coating

My best friend who I was totally in love with died when he was 11 and I was 12...I know I was young, but I'd always regretted not being able to tell him how special he was to me before it was too late.<br />
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Truth is you never know what could happen, she may not always be there, and I find if you have a hard time saying something in person, write her a heartfelt letter or an email just telling her you don't expect a response but that you wanted her to know how special she is to you and why and how you feel about her.<br />
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Besides, I'm sure she'd love to hear that, who wouldn't want to be adored by someone? =)

well im 16 years old and i like adore my older cousin shes like a big sister for me and shes 22. she seems alright with me loving her so much. (shes married) but sometimes i just dont know how to talk to her and tell her what i relly think of her and how muxh she emans to me and she acceted it, but idk how to get her to show that she loves me backk. kind of a stupid thing to askadvice for but id ppreciate the help. thanks

Lol I think most realists have some degree of cynicism and bitterness about them. I am generally happy and upbeat, but about certain things...not so much, I'm just REAL about them. <br />
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Haha OP okay got it. Thanks for clarifying ;)

Hmm I'm sorry I don't know what 'OP' is *feels lost* lol.<br />
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But yes, that is true. Murphy's Law as well. If it can happen, it will. Good or bad!

It is fine, and human, to remain hopeful. But, I'm afraid, that if you're just going to sit there and let him do what he wants and still live there, and still 'be with him' but not be with him, what do you thinks going to happen when he finds a woman online he really likes?<br />
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If a man wanted to be with you, he would be with you. Have you ever read "He's Just Not That Into You?" I highly recommend it.<br />
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It is natural, necessary even, for men to 'chase' what they want. He isn't having to chase you at all. My advice, is to move out, but remain hopeful, and by you doing this, it may scare him into a wake up call and realize he CAN lose you, cuz right now, he doesn't think he can, and he's not appreciating what he has. <br />
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I know it's scary and hard, but I have had chances at relationships, even one just last month, but I would rather be alone than be with someone who is controlling or puts everything in their life ahead of me. I am a giving, caring person, and I deserve the same in return. As do you. If moving out does nothing, and doesn't scare him, well, then he doesn't want to be with you, and in that case, I doubt you'd want to be with him either.

This is great because I need all of the above. lol <br />
My immature 49-year old, stubborn selfish, easily angered, disrespectful, addicted to **** (which explains the poor social skills) boyfriend broke up with me the day after Thanksgiving. We've been living together for two and a half years and are still living together. He still calls me everyday at lunch and when something happens to him, and at the same time looks online for other women and his immature buddies (because the mature ones are spending time with their families) encourage him to go to ***** clubs and all that stuff. It's a strange thing, ever know someone was going to do something just to go full circle; that's how I feel. At first I felt numb, then cried a lot, and then that sense of peace came over me. All of his habits will come out with any of these other women, plus he has 3 young daughters; 3, 9, and 12. Not exactly high on the list of women's "want in a man" list. His girls and I get along great, and they actually prefer to be with me, because even though I may say "no", they still love me. The reason I've stayed with him this long is because the I've seen the love he gives his daughters and knew in my heart he was capable of a great love. Although I've learned he's walled himself off and treats women like the enemy/*****, for some reason I remain hopeful that he will express that same love for me.

Wardy131 I just leave them alone in their naivity and if they think everything is rainbows and butterflies, well, life will teach them otherwise, it just takes more time for some.<br />
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DoubleExtension, I am sorry that your boyfriend broke up with you. I know you can't stop yourself from loving him, but you can stop yourself from 'waiting'. Don't hold back from other guys, get out there and meet people, and if he comes around he does, if not, it's his loss. Besides, do you really want to be with someone, who doesn't want to be with you?

Basically my boyfriend broke up with me, we was together a year and half, he says he wants to just get on with his life and grow up a bit as were both only 17, people say leave him alone for a while and he will miss me, but he wont hes too stubborn, he would just deal with the pain if there is any, im so lonely and lost.

Does it annoy you when people call you "pessimist" for being realist? It's all i can do to avoid giving them a good whack to the face!

Oh stormy, it's okay, sometimes, we all just need a good slap. That is why I'm here =).

Slap me a few people please, would you? Thanks!