I Am A Former Cutter. Ask Me Anything.

i used to  cut myself, but i dont anymore..

it all started in middle school..8th grade. i did it pretty much cause i was bored..and maybe a little unbalanced, idk. i was just immature, not thinking at all about what i was doing.

but then i went to highschool, and teenage hormones and emotions ran amok.. it was all just a matter of being oversensitive, irresponsible and immature.. people left me well enough alone, and the ones that did try to interact with me were kind..the people werent the problem..though i still found myself feeling very indifferent from them all, which wasnt hard with my social anxiety..

what did bother me about highschool were the teachers. more than half of them taught their classes without the slightest care in the world if you slept through their class and failed miserably..they didnt give a ****. i actually had my pre-algebra teacher tell us this the first day...one of the many classes i had to take over the next ******* year cause i failed, of course..

all of this (the social anxiety, indifference, teenage hormones and general confusion, the horrible teachers) combined with having to wake up at 6am (or 5:30, if you want to shower. my chronic insomnia didnt agree with this time frame at all as you can imagine), just manifested into a depression, one that was completely out of control and brought with it self-injury..self-loathing..deepening into an apathy.. 

i would skip classes in the girls bathroom and sit in a stall at the very end..where id listen to my ipod, read, write, cry quietly, draw on the walls, hurt myself... most of the cutting happened at my house though, in my room, where id spend most of my time..staying up all night with insomnia, smoking lots of weed to try and get to sleep.. i had a certain spot on the inside of my left calf, toward my ankle so i could hide it easily with the tall, colorful socks i love so much.. the cuts were in a sort of tick-tac-toe pattern, except it had more than 4 lines..it had like 9..

i dropped out of highschool after two years of barely attending...became enthralled in my new boyfriend (were still together btw, 3 years and counting!), sort of broke away from my other friends (i only had maybe two really close ones.)..alot of my friends were guys that wanted to be with me so i had to push them away..but its definitly for the better (i just cant help feeling a bit lonely, having pushed all my friends away)

i got really into spirituality and meditation, which helped monumentally. i went back and forth for quite awhile, cutting, not cutting, cutting again...it was all extremely stessful and taxing emotionally... but again, spirituality changed my life.. i got into holistic health (alternatives to medicine) and healing spells. i met my spirit guide and he took my hand and opened my eyes to the light within me and the hidden strength i possess...

i had one last, nasty relapse when my boyfriends sister was perscribed klonopin.. i had never heard one GOOD story of anyone taking this drug, but the dosage she got was so very low i decided id give it a try, after all, she said they felt like mild valium.. i do enjoy my downers..an occasonal upper..anything to make me numb to feeling.

anyways..id take the pill, feel nice for awhile..come down and feel depressed suddenly..take another pill of course. why not?   i had no idea it was the pills making me super sad, i just figured i was more sad than usual... i finally hit rock bottom..broke a disposable razor and slit my wrists in random places, directions and sizes on my forearms to try and say later that i was wrestling with the cats again... i made 4 cuts, 2 on each arm..  i took careful care of my wounds like i always do, peroxiding them and applying ointment and bandages..since they were always bandaged, no one ever really SAW the cuts, they couldnt tell how bad they were or how self-inflicted they appeared, and i was still taking the pills, still completely clueless.. i re-opened them one at a time within the span of a week or two..still taking good care of them though afterward..

after all this i finally snapped out of it and realised there is something SERIOUSLY wrong here, and that i was not THIS ******* crazy..admitedly i am a bit crazy, (we're all crazy, after all) but this was wayyy too much.. i realised it was the pills, eventually told my boyfriend (i was very reluctant because i was embarassed..after all, i was SURE i was completely done with cutting. but he does know now)

even though i stopped taking the pills, i was still sad most of the time for seemingly imaginary reasons, and i smoked more and more weed trying to destroy the sadness deep inside. the more i smoke and get high, the less i can meditate..so this is exceedingly bad..counterproductive

i still thought about cutting, but desperatley didnt want to because i didnt want my boyfriend to see it and there was no way to hide it from him (especially since we started showering together daily) so i got back in touch with a friend i thought might understand, and she did, and we talked about it.. she told me how she knew a girl who snapped her wrists with rubberbands to stop herself from cutting...she wasnt even suggesting that i do this, but i tryed it later, and found the sudden sharp sting and the dull stingy throb afterward was satisfying enough to get through the week without cutting..so this became my new tactic.. it was a bit more addictive i found, i often escaped to a secluded room in the house to snap my wrist.. but it was alot less messy... and in the end, i stopped cutting completely

and i still havent cut

id like to help anyone who has a problem with hurting themselves.. so please know that im here if you need someone to talk to, if youre feeling confused, if youre feeling weak, if you dont know what to do, you can always come to me. ive been through it and i know very well how hard this is and how impossible an obstacle this may seem..but its not impossible.. i promise you

foamborn foamborn
18-21, F
Feb 25, 2010