About to Buckle

I became disabled at age 29 because of a condition that ultimately caused gangrene, which in turn required multiple amputations.  I fought like a wildcat for so many years thereafter, then my child became deathly ill and required a very long hospitalization that took us on a rollercoaster of fear, grief, hope...

I then spent months after discharge, day and night, trying to treasure every second, every smile, every twinkle of this child's lovely blue eyes.  I got tired, got sick...now so long since my own illness, I was determined to proving to everyone, proving to myself, that my disability was not such a disability, and that I could be stronger than most who had no disability at all. 

I was always on a mission...and now, during this trying time for my child...I would not slow down, I would not rest...until finally, the thing I dreaded most...I finally am about to buckle...

I find things harder now than ever before to keep on keeping on...tired, and having other ailments.  I feel an invisible force holding me down, weighting me down, and the force I feel is inside of me...finally giving out...but I do not want it.  I want to keep on.  I will continue to fight the fight and keep being the strength I always expected of myself. 

In prayer, I ask for this ability to keep on to return, I make conscious efforts to take time to relax, to try to recharge...and I wait, to become this driven heart that losing made me become...always wanting to see a gain in every situation and not a loss.  

I fear i have finally lost this drive. 

nubby8 nubby8
31-35, F
13 Responses Apr 13, 2006

I'm not sure but I think I know where you are. I've only been in this wheelchair for 7 mos. Due to blah,blah. I have severe osteoporosis. I've been going forward like yesterday never happened. But IT did happen. Its so hard for me to admit it to myself let alone those who love me. That I'm not getting better and never will. <br />
I know I spend too much time upright in the chair doing things that are daily b/s but I can't help it. I want to be a real part of life -an active part-as long as I can. I'm so scared of that bed.<br />
But it is getting worse. And this is the 1st time I've said it out(side or in).<br />
I wish you the best. Write if you like. Am here every other day or so.

Physically Challenged and Mentally Rock Star.. you are an exceptional person..<br />
i was really feeling low, tired and what all.. I thought of suicide lot of times last week, and dropped that thought completely after reading your experience. I am 30 years old, My wife suffers Bipolar personality disorder and with that one problem I suffered severe depression, I felt guilt, remorse and everything negative for few years and this year thought of throwing away life just because I didn't have enough courage to go on.. reading your experience I realized problems i faced were just too meager and tiny.. You are Brave Heart and Inspiring ..

Hi i wish i was there for you! i'm a very good listener i've had problems myself where i could just give up! but i enjoy talking to peoplewho feel just like me and understand, cos my husband doesnt. i understand your problems are much worse than mine but i'm a great listener and i'm here for you :)

I'm sorry for what you are dealing with. I admire your fighting spirit yet i know it may seem like a lot to handle. I'm glad you got a place here to chat to put your feelings down.<br />
<br />
How your dealing with everything is also impressive.<br />
<br />
I'm speechless really.<br />
<br />
I can only hope the time your resting, pray, talk to God

There are times we ask our heart if it can take any more? And there are times when we fell like we are alone.. U aren't alone and Only God alone knows your pains and ur suffierings. He is with u and loves u. We aren't made strong it is the path that makes us strong...Be strong and ask in prayer of his love and compassion. I haven't gone threw that kind of pain (amputation)but i have gone threw surgerys and they were painful- My back was open for 11 months due to an infection (staff infection and they coudn't kill it )<br />
on antibiotics for weeks and u know what happens to females when they are on antibiotics) and it didn't stop there the infection was in my body for about 2years.<br />
Everytime a mosquito or flea(i had a dog then) it would blow up into this (Celulitious-skin infection) It was horrible. In and out of the Hospital.I still have back pain and the experience changes u and the way you see the world. But If I am still here after haveing one of the most deadliest bactierias, I ask why?? There experiences we need to make us who we are, and I am sure your you are a Great Mom, my Gods love be with u and fill your heart with faith, Love and Hope. With these three we can over come anything. God be with u <br />
Love always (light child)

There are times we ask our heart if it can take any more? And there are times when we fell like we are alone.. U aren't alone and Only God alone knows your pains and ur suffierings. He is with u and loves u. We aren't made strong it is the path that makes us strong...Be strong and ask in prayer of his love and compassion. I haven't gone threw that kind of pain (amputation)but i have gone threw surgerys and they were painful- My back was open for 11 months due to an infection (staff infection and they coudn't kill it )<br />
on antibiotics for weeks and u know what happens to females when they are on antibiotics) and it didn't stop there the infection was in my body for about 2years.<br />
Everytime a mosquito or flea(i had a dog then) it would blow up into this (Celulitious-skin infection) It was horrible. In and out of the Hospital.I still have back pain and the experience changes u and the way you see the world. But If I am still here after haveing one of the most deadliest bactierias, I ask why?? There experiences we need to make us who we are, and I am sure your you are a Great Mom, my Gods love be with u and fill your heart with faith, Love and Hope. With these three we can over come anything. God be with u <br />
Love always (light child)

There are times we ask our heart if it can take any more? And there are times when we fell like we are alone.. U aren't alone and Only God alone knows your pains and ur suffierings. He is with u and loves u. We aren't made strong it is the path that makes us strong...Be strong and ask in prayer of his love and compassion. I haven't gone threw that kind of pain (amputation)but i have gone threw surgerys and they were painful- My back was open for 11 months due to an infection (staff infection and they coudn't kill it )<br />
on antibiotics for weeks and u know what happens to females when they are on antibiotics) and it didn't stop there the infection was in my body for about 2years.<br />
Everytime a mosquito or flea(i had a dog then) it would blow up into this (Celulitious-skin infection) It was horrible. In and out of the Hospital.I still have back pain and the experience changes u and the way you see the world. But If I am still here after haveing one of the most deadliest bactierias, I ask why?? There experiences we need to make us who we are, and I am sure your you are a Great Mom, my Gods love be with u and fill your heart with faith, Love and Hope. With these three we can over come anything. God be with u <br />
Love always (light child)

Please don't buckle. You've been so strong to go so far, you can't give up now.

i don't have any words of wisdom for you, but my heart is moved for you.

Yours is a beautiful and terrible story...<br />
<br />
Don't give up. The drive is in you, there deep down. The world and its obstacles have pressed heavily upon you, but under pressure the blackest coal forms a gorgeous diamond. Cliche aside, you must continue to do it for yourself...don't look for an outside motivator. If the will is there, then do it.<br />
<br />
You seem to radiate light in the face of the darkness of your own fate. As someone who lives mostly in darkness, I recognize how hard this must be for you. I myself seem to struggle to remain dark while surrounded by nothing but sickening light all the time.<br />
<br />
I usually hate it...but I love you for this inspiration. Harness it, use your spirit for strength, and rely on no one but yourself. Your life is an end in itself.<br />
<br />
I only hope that this message does not arrive too late...

You have come through so much. Survived and kept strong where others would have given up. I imagine you to be a fiercely proud, self-reliant person who others look up to as a tower of strength. So you set out to prove yourself, where others with problems such as yours might have given in. You must have accomplished so much. Sometimes the stronger you are, the more those around you become reliant on you. But those around you deserve a chance to show their inner reserves of strength. I suggest that you ask for help. Your friends and relatives may actually welcome the chance to show you that they are capable of helping you at this time. Possibly they can see that you are taking on too much but don't know how to tell you or how to help. You seem to have the self-awareness to realise that you have taken all the strain you can. If this is the case, then you have only two choices - admit you cannot go on as you are and that you need help or crack up completely. If you crack up then how can you help your child? The alternative is to actively seek help: demand people make time for you; ask Social Services for assistance; call in favours from people, tell your doctor how you feel. Asking for help is difficult and can be embarrassing, I know. You may have to inconvenience people for a while. Just remember that you could be incoveniencing them a lot more if you don't ask for help sooner rather than later. You need to take care of yourself now. I so hope you ask people for help and that you get all the help you need. Please don't soldier on alone - find the words to ask for help. You sound like such a special person - the world needs people like you. So please look after yourself and take time for yourself now that you need it.

Ever heard about "your second wind"?That's when you feel you just can't keep on keeping on.you just need a chance to regroup,maybe find a diferent approach.Yes you've got your plate pretty full it seems,and if you have a desire deep inside to make it better,don't worry,your innner reserve will return.I've survived alot, loss of everything I owned, My land ,My family,My dreams.You'll find your'e way back,because you believe in yourself and what you're trying to do. Godspeed to you<br />
silverspirit