It's Always Like This

My aunt is the cause of my break downs.

That might sound harsh, blaming another person for my problems, but it's true. I never had this problem until i lived with her.

I never hated myself, or lacked confidence , i wasn't so weak-willed and terrified of the most mundane things back when i didn't live with her. i was such a strong, hard-headed girl growing up (i admit it might've been thanks to youth and ignorance), but now i can't even dial out for a pizza without having a panic attack over the possibility that i "made the worst choice" or the fact that i'll have to interact with someone else and possibly upset them and get yelled at.

i was put on medication for a while, but it didn't help. I tried depacote, wellbutrin, zoloft, even adderal and concerta. in fact, i was on max dosage of wellbutrin, when i started zoloft. but none of it helped much. it got me out of the pit, but i was still on the edge, and my aunt kept pushing me off.

i struggled in school. i struggled to do basic functions like eat or sleep or walk the dog, hell, i couldn't even do the things i liked (like play the flute, draw, read) because i was too depressed. i gave up, but my body hadn't yet. i'm just lucky i found some strength in myself with the help of a therapist, because i managed to find yet another person who's supported me and made me strong enough to survive without the meds.

but just because i'm no longer depressed doesn't mean that i don't break down anymore. it's been a long time, but lately i've been having many breakdowns. it's hard to recover from them on your own (i don't want to bother the boyfriend or the classmates, they have enough on their plates as it is). i feel my breakdowns are a lot more cynical. i may be so happy that day but when that evening rolls around and i'm the subject of my aunt's psychological abuse, i break and i can't see any reason for me to live.

it doesn't help that i'm a college student. i feel pathetic, i feel more backed into a corner than i did before, i feel raped of my privacy and my dignity all the time, but i say nothing and bear it. and at school, to make up for it, i keep everyone away. it's depressing being all alone, but it would be worse to let everyone close and let them see how ****** up i really am. i'm struggling with keeping optimistic in my classes. they're hard, i'm not prepared, i lack good study habits, my memory is mediocre. my grades are mediocre but they're not good enough. and i just keep ranting and ranting and i don't know where i'm going with this but i'm so damn tired and i have so much homework to do, at least my chest feels a little lighter. now i guess i'll continue working on my school stuff, maybe cry again later (make sure it's all out of my system), then go to bed. good night EP, i've added yet another story to your site.
xbreathexmusicx xbreathexmusicx
18-21, F
1 Response Dec 4, 2012

shes the toxic element poisioning your life so why not move out? maybe get an apartment with some other college friends so it dont cost too much like roomates or something. i think u would be alot happier that way cause she dumping her hate onto you and you dont deserve it. your a strong person you can make it on your own i think. maybe get a dorm on campus? i dunno bout that kinda stuff yet but you and my oldest 'brother' are bout the same age. he loves college and freedom away from controlling restrictive family!

but at least you smart enough to get it out your system before it eats a hole in you too much ya know you are a special person to me and alot of other people im sure so dont push them away. thats my mistake all the time. my therapist say i push people away to avoid being hurt again by what they say but in reality what they say could pick you up if you listen to them and listen less to your aunt. why does she deserve to have so much control over you? why do you let her verbal psychological diarreah matter so much to you? those the type questions my therapist ask me...so im asking it to you. maybe all u need is changing your perspective--like what really matters to you--your life or hers?

im not trying to be judgemental or arrogant im just trying to use the type questions they ask me to make you think bout it....cause they always make me think alot.

i hope you can realize your more important and your life is more important than any hate or abuse she can put on you.....trust me you DONT have to take it, you can fight back or leave the toxic situation behind all together. im not saying run away, but just put it a safe distance away either mentally or physically would help i think, maybe.

keep ya head up! cause your more important than all that!