Moving In With Irresponsible Daughter

My daughter is 29 years old.  We have a history of her telling lies and half truths about me in order to warrant sympathy to get money or some other assistance. For instance I'd provided her with child care for free for 3 months and my other children (elementary school age) had a spring carnival at school and REALLY wanted to go and since I hadn't taken them anywhere because my oldest daughter did shift work and I had to be available I wanted them to go to this event so a week and a half before the carnival I told my daughter to make sure that she was off on the Saturday the day of the carnival. I told her 4 times that week. The schedules are made up on Tuesdays.  So on the day of the carnival here she comes with her children and I told her that I couldn't watch them that I was taking her brother and sister out because they hadn't been anywhere in 3 months.  She then went to her Cousin and told her she needed her to babysit for her because I would not do it and she didn't know why that I just wouldn't do it.  There was no mention of my having told her weeks in advance  to get that particular Saturday off.  There was no mention of my not being able to take my children anywhere for 3 months from babysitting for her.  She made it seem like I just did not want to watch my grandchildren!  My niece actually came over to my house later on that afternoon and threw it up in my face!!  I told her the truth of it and then she was upset that my daughter had told her a lie about what happened.  This would become a novel if I delved into EVERYTHING that she's done that's backstabbing and dishonest regarding me.  So last year she had an opportunity to move into a house. She has a history of not paying her rent or utilities and running out of food and household needs so I tell her stay where you are. If you can't pay your bills where you are HOW do you expect to pay them elsewhere. She didn't listen and she moved and a few months later she lost her house, had an electric bill that was over a thousand dollars from 5 months of non-payment. I'd given her over two hundred dollars and it was a waste!  So, consequently she comes to me and says hey mother take my children and I'll go shack up with my man friend.  I said you can ALL stay with me until you can get yourself together.  She says no mother, YOU take my kids and be responsible for them while I go lay up with this man.  I told her if she wasn't moving in with me too then I wasn't going to be her childrens live in nanny. I have serious health issues and it's terminal.  I am in NO position to take in 3 children all under the age of 11!  Because I wouldn't take in her kids she went hopping from house to house with them putting them through all kinds of abuse and problems until finally a family member stepped in and suggested that she hand her kids over.  She'd told them THAT I REFUSED TO TAKE THEM IN AND THAT I WOULDN'T HELP THEM WHEN SHE ASKED ME! The children were dispensed to one Aunt and a Cousin.  My daughter was supposed to have gotten a job or two and set her life straight to get the children back at the end of the school year.  It's been 8 months and she hasn't done anything. I helped her get a GOOD job willing to her extra hours and pay her over time and she worked there for one week and quit!  She hadn't done anything else before then and she's done nothing after.  The kids are due back in 2 months.  So it's come to this.  The Aunt and Cousin have threatened to keep the children if my daughter doesn't have a home for them. One child is in CA and the other 2 are in  FL.  They haven't seen each other since June.  My daughter has gotten a place through a relative on the other side of her family who is willing to work with her on the rent and is paying the utiities.  He's kind.  The thing is my daughter has asked me to move into the upstairs apartment and to share the house with her and my grandchildren.  I KNOW how irresponsible she is, I know that she will end up messing up again if I am not there to make sure the rent and utilities are paid and those children don't have to get seperated and shipped off to other places again.  I have a nice, single occupancy apartment that I absolutely adore!  It was crap when I moved in but I've done some work here and it's great.  I have two problems that influence my wanting to move. One is a noisy, malicous neighbor, and two is the landlords letting him get away with it.  I went back and forth about moving being torn between this place and feeling the need to be there for my grands.  The battle was decided and I've chosen my grandkids needs as they are far more important than my own although they are NOT my responsibility.  My daughter has not made her childrens needs her priority and that's the main reason that she's done so badly and made such bad choices. So I am moving in with them and my daughter to make sure that they will always have a home at least as long as I can provide them that security.  My daughter is supposed to get a full time day job because she is repsonsible for the rent in her apartment and I have my own unit and I am responsible for my own.  The children will share my upstairs rooms to sleep in but they live downstairs with her.  There is less space upstairs than downstairs and I don't socialize and she does and we decided she should be below me because if I get awakened by feet clumping up or down the stairs at 9 or 10 at night then I won't be able to get back to sleep.  I have legitimate concerns about her getting and keeping a job and paying the rent.  Another reason that I'm glad I'm upstairs is that if she does mess up again they can all just come up and live with me and not worry about being in the streets.  I want what's best for my grandchildren.  They are so young and they've been through so much because of their mothers bad, selfish decisions.  Plus this will give me a chance to be a Granny 24/7!!  There are positives and they far outweigh the negatives.  I am moving in about two weeks.  Deep breath and there I go.

Comprehensive2 Comprehensive2
3 Responses Feb 10, 2007

My other two children are adults 18 and over. I live alone and my decision will not effect their lives this time. You and I hope for the same thing. I won't be around forever!

lol, send her to boot camp. She needs you so that she can hold on to her youth. She has had everything handed to her by you and the rest of the family. And how old are your other two children. If they are elementary age, are they going to move upstairs with you? It is nice you are there for your grandchildren, someone has to. Hope your daughter grows up and takes responsibility.

I have seen and experienced this kind of thing first hand. Women who think having a good time, partying, laying up with men is more imprtant than their kids. They don't pay their bills and they come running to mama to bail them out and drop their kids off 24/7 with grandma. You are a strong and kind person sounds like you have a big heart. Your daughter doesn't realize how lucky she is but she needs to grow up and get her priorities straight. Everything is not about her. She does these things with the family to flip a quilt trip on you and thats when she dosen't get her way. What would she do if she didn't have you? My own mother barely babysat for me at all when my son was young but she dropped my brother and I off all the time with my grandparents! I know you love your grandchildren though and it is hard to say no. Theres nothing wrong with setting ground rules though if you need to.