Called A Domestic Violence Counselor TodayI'm going to say something I never thought I'd say but I know if I don't face this it will stay with me for years and screw me up over and over again. But I'm an abused man. Not physically mind you because I think if She ever decided to throw punches I would be a guest in Ca. Dept. of Corrections and Rehab right now. But what she did was emotional and psychological. It only hit me just today how much abuse I took and how much impact it had on me
I had finally figured out a way to transcribe the text messages that She sent on a daily basis into a form I could take to court. My brother and sister were right about how much she uses the my daughters to take her shots at me. But that said I finally was able to transcribe all of these texts and preserve the timestamps using email, Word and more time than I ever wanted to use to do this. In the end I had put together a week of what is passed between us.
Then is hit me, that this week was no different from any other week. She is still pissed off about the divorce and has been since I told her I was filing in June 09. But the more I thought about it, I realized I have taken this abuse in several forms since 1995. Being coerced, lied to and manipulated was commonplace in my household. I was bigger, stronger, completed college so in many ways brighter, I've held a career for 12 years and have even dabbled in creative projects that have come my way over the years. But there was always something wrong. At home, I never matched up. Never brought home enough money. Never kept the house clean enough. Never cared for her enough. Long story short, I was wrong. Always wrong.
It manifested itself into things in her life as well. She never completed college because She was raising my kids. She never had a job because I wouldn't allow it even in the days when the tech bubble busted and we really could have used a second income. Financial problems were always my problem and in hind sight I accepted that because at the end of the day, I was the breadwinner. I didn't plan well enough. I didn't budget correctly. I made errors.
It wasn't until the stress started to kill me that I finally filed for divorce and once that happened the need for subtlety went out the window. Now according to her, I am the abuser. I have abandoned my children, in spite fighting to bring them with me to Los Angeles and failing that moving back to Sacramento to work literally within a mile of where my father died (That little tidbit from Ancestry.com still really bugs me to think about). I am a deadbeat because since I abandoned the girls (in her words) she went to welfare and received thousands in benefits along with what I was paying in child support. The ironic thing was I remember hearing these exact same things about her first husband who according to her drank a 12 pack a night and slammed her into walls but seemed pretty quiet, even docile the times I met and talked to him. I should take pride in the fact that I am an alcoholic man *****, where her first husband was just a drunk womanizer
So there you have it. This is my secret for the day. I talked to a domestic violence counselor tonight and he said the fact that I am in shock, angry and trying to figure out how someone as big and strong and bright as I am allow someone to manipulated and control me for so long is normal and that I'm handling it well, which is ironic to me because I feel so out of freaking control it's not even funny.