My Grown Son (33) Is Abusive To Me

My grown son (33) is verbally very abusive to me.  He has always been difficult, especially since I divorced his father (years ago).  He was mean to me and his step-mother.  I don't understand why.  We all catered to him, spoiled him, I guess, but most sons don't react that the way he did.  He has always been narcissistic.  Felt entitled!  He did not empathize or feel compassion for me or others.  It was always about him.  He would phone and talk for hours about his problems, and I listened.  I was always very supportive.  I told him I loved him.  I would have done anything for him.  But he didn't bother even sending me a birthday card.  He didn't visit unless we were vacationing somewhere he wanted to be like at the beach.  If I had a problem, I could keep it to myself.  He had better things to do than listen.  Hearing my problems was "boring," though I almost never talked about myself or my problems with him.  Not unless it was something important. 

The older he has gotten the worse he has gotten.  I didn't think that was possible.  I kept thinking one day he would mature and behave like a man.  Unfortunately, my ex. did not teach him how to behave like a man.  He never disciplind him.  He let my son be abusive to his new wife and disrupt his entire household.  He was afraid of losing his only son and always agreed with him.  I am not his stepmother's champion.  She had an affair with my husband while I was sick in the hospital.  Still, I did not want my son to be abusive to people.  I cared about his character.  I do not like him, nor do I think he has a good character.  It took me years to admit that!  The last thing a mother wants to admit!

Lately, I am scared of him.  Actually frightened of him.  He has been outrageously verbally abusive to me. Hateful, as if he wants to hurt me.  Hurt me bad.  I suppose he is insecure and deep down feels rejected, but look how he treats people.  No wonder he is rejected.  That's NOT the way he looks at things.  He never does any wrong!

Am I the only one with this terrible experience?  I don't know what's wrong with my son.  No one abused him, more like the opposite, gave into him.  Apologized to him when he should have been the one apologizing.  He has hurt a lot of people.  He has hurt me to the point that I want nothing to do with him.  It took a lot!!!   I loved him more than life itself and would have done anything for him.  Now, I am afraid of him. 

I hope someone responds to my story. 
Seeking Hope
seekinghope seekinghope
51-55, F
25 Responses Feb 17, 2011

My story is not quite the same. I love my son, still love him, however I left his abusive father when he was one years old. When he was about 4 I met a wonderful man that he grew up
Thinking of him as his dad. He still only considers him his dad and wants nothing to do with his biological father (thank god). My son from the time he could walk and talk was rebellious and I spent many nights outside his door with hellish screaming to sleep, always in defiance. I breast fed him to 1 yrs old believing we would have a tight bond. He learned to walk at 10 months old. I left his abusive biological father at 1 yrs old And he remained stubborn and defiAnt to this day.
We had a great life for many years, with his NEW DAD, no fighting, great vacations, every night all about him and a great family life. Dinners, board games, vacations, the best a family can do however, we always dealt with outburst from my son that at one point sent his step dad to the hospital believing he was having a heart attack. It was anxiety.
My son is now 28 yrs old, his DAD has passed away 5 years ago, and he blames it on me. I am the most evil corrupt, villain that ever walked this planet. I've been told so many horrible things, he can't wait for me to die. Just die. That's what he says.
I've not been a perfect mother. But, I can't imagine ever saying thAt to your mom. Let alone, I've been there for him everyday of his life. My son has epilepsy, he hates God , me, pretty much the world, if it doesn't treat him however he just hates life, he suffers so should anything in his surrounding area, if he is having a bad day.
I feel bAd for him, I know he suffers, but, it's not a reason to curse all, and I shouldn't have to feel threatened by a guy twice my size ( which he is now) for being there for him.
I now have to mention I am a fighter, that doesn't like being bullied, And I stand my ground and I was a firm mother. I was his mom everyday, I picked him up, played games, made dinner, but, I am not his friend. I am there to teach him right from wrong. I gave him a great life, but my job is to teach him how to be a good man.
I think I failed.

I am dealing with the same thing. My 34 year old son has become so mean and abusive that I am afraid of him. He refuses to help me pay any bills and I have to hide everything I have. He has stolen my family jewelry, cars and anything that he can sell. He works a good job every day. If I ask him to move he becomes enraged and I end up locking myself in my bedroom. I love him very much but I can't let this go on and I don't know how to stop it.

I am a brother of a 38 yt old brother that still lives with my mom and dad. My parents are typical middle class and have been married for 40 yrs. I am a very successful Engineer and have somewhat of normal life minus always traveling. I live about 2000 miles away from my folks. Well my 40 year old brother is both physically, emotionally and verbally abusive to my parents even though they are in their late 60 s and do everything for him. He has a son also and has no income to support him. Obviously with his life he doesn't have primary custody but my family and I get along great with the mother of his child, he does not. My dad seems like he turns a blind eye because he is afraid and my mom is just scared and depressed. He has already been arrested for domestic to my mom for punching and restraining her . He is college educated with no job for the past 5 yrs. He lives with parents and spends all day laying on the couch then yells when ever anyone try to speak to him. I say kick his butt to the curb but my dad is afraid because he has epilepsy. I am pretty sure he is bipolar or dome other illness but his Dr said that they can't do anything because he is over 18
...almost 40!!!!! I am scared he will hurt and potentially kill my family. Not sure what to do. Went to the cops, psychiatrist, etc...with no help. Any suggestions

I am so sorry your family is going through this. I am not sure about your parents' state laws, but the should be able to have your sibling involuntary committed on a psych hold to the hospital for being a danger to self or others. It is not a solution, as he will be discharged, and probably very upset...... but it is a step to getting your brother evaluated by a psychiatrist and your parents a couple of days or so of rest. I hope that this helps.

They won't hold him. First, he has to be a threat, and obviously, they won't say he is. Brother you have to go to them and mAke them take that step.

Take it from one who has been there and knows, it won't help to hospitalize him. They will release him probably the same day and he will just be more enraged and escalate the abusive behavior. The mental health system is more broken than their dysfunctional behavior. I have been going through this for 16 years with my son. He is now 31 and is exactly like the descriptions that others describe on here. I have found God is my only help and I am now even looking at going into an assisted living with my elderly handicapped 85 yo father that I take care of because as long as I am in my home, he comes back and terrorizes me and keeps me so upset that my blood pressure is at stroke level even on medicine. The hell never ends and even when you get away from them, you are still heartbroken and carry the wounds. Even if you find peace in your household your heart is sick because this is not a natural thing that is supposed to happen with your children. But I pray there is recovery I long to hear and read someone post a successful outcome to situations like these, but I don't think we will unless it was a miracle from God. My opinion is that until the severely broken mental health system is fixed and not more dysfunctional and broken than the condition it supposedly treats, then we will not find resolutions to these common and broad domestic issues that are greatly under-reported because of the shame, blame, and stigma that others ignorantly project on the victims of abuse at the hand of our own children when it is regarding adult children being abusive to their parents. The first thing anyone and everyone wants to do is blame the victims and that bad parenting caused a person to behave this way when in actuality nothing could further from the truth. These were childen who were loved, treated well, who lacked nothing and had everything provided to them and were shown love and compassion and not brought up to disrespectful. But instead they are narcissistic and abusive, and can only function from the position of being a disrespectful bully to the only people who truly love them.

My son has epilepsy. I am going thru the same ****. I know how your parents feel. My son is 28. He lives with me. He hates the world. I am so glad you are there as I deal with this alone. My luv u don't say but, I think with you as support, need to go to them, and make your brother get help. This is your brother, dealing with issues you can't understand , and this is your family. Make this a priority Your brother needs help. Check out Cleveland clinic. They are amazing. Try to get him on track. God be with you there are other resources MAKE SURE they specialize in Epilesy. Epilepsy services doctors do not. Check out the doctors. Find out their specialty. You will be stunned. My son, I am just now finding this out. He is scheduled for surgery. He has a 80% chance of no more seizures!!! Sounds like great odds to us!! Please pray for my son. He (I) need it!! Please look at the doctors specialties that treat him!!! Ps. My son has had seizures from 7 months old. I always went where they told me. Guess what, those doctors know very little about the complexities of epilepsy. I am thanking God for this opportunity. Just please, look at what his neurologist specialize in. You'll see what I am saying. Good luck

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My son is 37 I can totally relate I have made mistakes mostly grew up a used by my family I was the escape goat the. Got raped and drugged and wasn't the same struggled with depression couldn't hold down a job got fired repeated so I kept getting married didn't know how to survive and kept getting abuse emotionally etc.kept divorcing my son was beat up by real dad I ledt him to protect him the. Whe. Son I. Late 20s stArts seeing him,never blames him for anything or not being there for him etc but never stops blaming me ,then he got abusive with his son me and his mom tried protecting him from son and he hold that against me too after 14 yrs and says we made him t to be a monster but we didn't ,I helped raise his son and keeps blaming me for being there for him and helping him spoiling him etc now says he was always there for his son but we stopped him etc we've bought him houses and cars and sent to college help him start businesses etc but can't remember anything except my faults and mistakes while he remains perfect,says his own son is piece of garbage etc and has a wife who takes up for him and enables his behavior,he has disowned me saying I'm drama etc I am guilty of being abused my whole life. Y somebody parents then husbands and family now I feel from grown son ,he's blames me for over 20 yrs and won't let anything go,I've said I'm sorry for hurting you but I loved y and wanted you in my life ,I'm wore out from all this getting older and must have a break,Iv bee. Divorced almost a year from abuse and keep getting it from my grandson just got arrested and my son says we created a monster and I spoiled him etc but that grown son was there but we got in his way none of it is true ,my son as a child at 10 yrs old threatens to kill me in my sleep I was afraid of him the. And afraid to be alone with him ,but no mention of this he suppose to come home Christmas ut Fraid going to be hard on me ,I can't with stand the weight of this much longer,I love my son but feel I do deserve to be happy finally,my grandson keeps getting hurt by my son too never ends we just aren't good enuff for him and a let down.plz advise

Please, everyone, you re going thru a typical family Christmas. Just hug everyone, appreciate everyone, when that 10 year old comes around smother him with love!! No ones life is perfect. Appreciate what you have, put your foot down, you love them!! Except nothing less! Accept no one is perfect!!!!

I understand how you feel. Stay away from him until he seeks therapy . My son is 20 and is also verbally abusive. He has gotten worse since he has been discharged hon from the Marines.

My son is 21 and i am experiencing the exact same thing under almost the exact same circumstances and it is breaking my heart. I dont know what to do anymore, 2 nights ago he verbally abused me to the point i have no option but to cut him off, i can no longer stand the emotional pain he has put me through. I have offered him help and reached out to him many times but he refuses to believe he has a problem it is everyone else, especially me. He has always had a good upbringing and even though my ex and i divorced when he was 10 it is like he harbours anger and resentment at me even though it was my ex who dissolved the relationship. Im hurt, and scared of lising him, but i dont know how to help him or what to do anymore.

My son is 20, he has been diagnosed with aspbergers..I have endured his abusive behavior for years, but he has escalated to full blown rage to the point that I am scared of him. He has recently been removed from my house for physically attacking my husband, I cant bring myself to talk to him anymore, i love him more than anything but I have to draw the line.

I am sorry for you. I hope you find. Good doctor. Please look for a doctor that specializes in aspbergerers. I didn't realize what a difference it can make , thAt doctors treat you but have no knowledge of whAt you are going thru. Please, look It will help tremendously

my grandson is 21 and was diagnosed with asperbergs at an early age. He is going to school and living with me but he has become verbally abusive to me. Uses foul language toward me and just will not take any advice. He was doing great in school but has fallen down bad due I believe to the company he is keeping. Trying totalk tohim is to no avail. Someone tell me what to do. I love him dearly but I can't continue down this road much longer. I live alone (except for him) and at my wits end. He used to be a very loving child.

I have the exact same story.

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My son is 23 currently on drugs he is verily abusive to me. He yells at me uses fowl language toward I have bent over backwards for him. Last weekend something happened that was his friends fault and my son did not see this later I had to go to the hospital cause I just couldn't take the stress no more . Well my husband was attacked by my son and his friend they didn't hurt my husband but they did steal my husband's phone and broke the back window to my husband's truck all the threats he makes toward me and my husband and calls me names.i drew the line after 3 years of him being abusive toward me I can't take it any more I decided to stop talking to him and limit myself the help I give him with my grandkids. I'm so hurt and confused

We seem to be living parallel lives..Im so sorry youre going through this..with all the damage my son has caused, i find it so hard to just cut him off, but I love him enough to show him its not acceptable dont hurt the people who love you. Start taking care of yourself now!

I understand your pain as I have the same. My daughter... The boundary I am setting is this.. The next time I speak with her it will be in front of a therapist or not at all. She is very sick.

I to am dealing with the same issue, and I have decided, after many times being hurt, on purpose - emotionally, to end this relationship and I don't even know if I want to talk with him again, because I have gone through this more than once and mentally I can take no more, I don't care what people think of me, "walk in my shoes with him" and see just how abusive he is, he does it behind other peoples back, not when others are around, tells them I am insane, he never hated anyone more than he hates me. He is 34, and a narcissistic personality, - which most young abusive adult children are, Feels he is entitled to my money, to pay his bills, etc. Yet, he is such a great guy to his friends, do anything for them, but use my resources to do it.
I am done, I will take no more abuse from him, or anyone.

Hi....I'm am really struggling with a verbally abusive son who is 42 years old...I'm at my wits end and am so depressed as he blames me for everything that has gone wrong...he is extremely smart and very coniving when it comes to words and he knows how to say things in such a way that hurts me the most and my partner.respect does not exist where I'm concerned. He has 3 children and I have close relationships with all three. The relationship between him and his 21 year old is really bad. I don't know how to stop the pain I'm experiencing. His marriage ended when she went to a domestic abuse I know why. I want find happiness instead of heartache.

My son, 35, was the same. I don't understand why. He was loved and cherished as a child and an adult. He had ADD as a child and I think that led to anxiety and depression as an adult. Recently he committed suicide. It was not until after he died that I realized I was a victim and he was very mentally ill. As terrible as it is, I am now at peace. I no longer a filthy liar and stupid. I never wanted him to die, I just asked God to please heal him and help me. Hopefully he is in heaven and finally at peace.

Oh heavens - I relate to this SO much.
Have spent a lifetime giving in to my son, but all he SEEMS to see is that we have favoured his brother over him.
It is so untruebut he believes it -he has become both verbally & physically abusive to the point that we have finally had enough & taken out Apprehended Violence Orders against him.
It still doesn't ease the pain though, as he has threatened to commit suicide in front of us so we can "see him die & live with it on our conscience"
The sad part is, that it has torn my husband's & I's relationship to shreds!

I'm going through a horrible experience with my 42 year old and I don't know how to make it was so bad for me last year that I wished I were dead so he can be happy. Please believe in yourself

my son calls me stupid and i look stupid and bad mom etc. he is pissed cuz he wants to get good grades and lacks sleep but that isnt a good reason to do that to mom. so i cut off his food supply. he went to state prison. and he feel that society wants him to dig a big hole and lie in it cuz he can get a job. he is fustrated and i get his irritations and its impossible to get over the emotional and verbal abuise. my husband does the same thing and now i have professional advise that they are not going to change. its not worth time to enlighten them of what they are doing because it was entitlement and it cannot go back in reverse to when the good side shows. so best to keep on reminding yourself that when ever you open your mout each time and its about a subject that is not about you and i mean any subject like a list of food that you buy. remind all day long over and over and over to yourself is this for me, me cuz that what the verbal and emotional abuse can be beat by highly being narcissistic its a defense. don't feel guilty about their welfare push it away no need to express any negative comments to them silence is gold just silent warfare to keep you on top defense. if my husbad and son do disrespect i dont ask they will see the credit card usage going in the five or six digit range and i don't car! Its all about you taking the control cuz they aint changing. getw them in the wallet dont be available be wigth your social group and play bingo yeah do no chore cuz it gets inthe way if you need yourself there is not conveyor belt feeling. be free and dont let anyone clip your wings

I like you spoiled my son who for a long time, was an only child. My ex (his father) is extremely narcissistic. He was very wanted & very loved by me anyway.... He now has children of his own whom I adore but in order to see them regularly I have to contend with my sons abuse. He is like a dictator not only with me but the kids too & to a degree his wife, who runs round after him constantly. I keep hoping that age, travel experience etc will improve him - it doesnt and I am counting the years for when my grandchildren will be old enough to see me without consent so I no longer have to put up with him. They are getting old enough to recognise how he is with me & are beginning to speak up for me but Im afraid he will punish them for this & worry consantly! I loved him so much as a child and (I thought) we were very close. Any love I had for him he kills with his nasty words & put downs time & time & time again. His loss I say.

I have the same problem and looking for help.

I dont understand how a son could hate his mother so much. I'm sorry for you and I know it's going to break your heart. But at some point you just gonna have to let him go. He dont deserve the sacrifices that you have given all this while. And you my dear deserve some happiness of your own. With him around you, you're not gonna be happy. He's demoralizing you.

ive given my life, sweat ,tears, and career for my precious son.. now he's 22 and thinking if I hung myself right now .. if that would finally make him happy !
so abusive screaming " I cant wait till your 80 yrs old and lonely" besides the repeative F'U's....
what happened? what did I do? or go wrong? It's just been 4 days froma very expensive Alaskan trip we just got back from, all the ATV's, Fishing, Rafting excursions with his brother and me. Then POW !yells at me with such great Hate.
just before I gave him a grad party 1,000 and 500.00 suit !
Uh please shoot me--as I remind myself by writing this I see what an *** my own son took me for!
So hurt that I want to die and give that to him as his last present!
Kids make you hate them for treating you like trash.

to think all those years just to be right next to them, the 3 b's book-bath-bed,
school chaperones to packing 2 lunches incase they were extra hungry.
(I cant reminisce, my tears are blinding me)
So here i'm looking up ways of hanging myself--this pain kills me !

Desert him completely. He doesnt deserve you & you deserve much better than this. Dump him & mean it. Push him on to his Father or worse, on his own to stand on his own 2 feet. & if you do hang yourself, make very sure he doesnt get a penny. Put some distance between you - gather your strength & esteem again & have a good life. If you allow him back in then it has to be on your terms. This generation sees kindness as weakness & consequently they have no respect for that. Good luck x

I am in a situation where I just not suffer from depression, P.T.S.D. and other mental illnesses, but I as, am also physically disabled. I live with my daughter and her boyfriend and my young 3 grandsons, who I love dearly. They steal all my money, food stamps pawn my belongings, mentally they take advantage of me, because I am 57 and have no where to go. No shelters have any beds. And If I don't give them everything I have they threaten to throw me out. They spend my food stamps cook big suppers never offer me any, so I live on p-nut butter sandwiches which I have to sneak to make. I live in the attic and they lock the door so I cannot use the bathroom. I do not know what to do. In the lastmonth they took my student loan money, almost five thousand, which i was going to use to get a small place. I go to school and work hard at obtaining A's and I get student loans to help out with my finances, I feel like I am incarcerated. I know what they do with the money. I took an over dose the other day day,but its not worth it, i love my grandchildren. They my daughter and her boyfriend know I am weak and vulnerable, and they use and abuse me. I could and would never ever even swear at my parents. What is this world coming to???? I am so lost :-(

i'm not one to advise , cause i'm an the same boat, just want to say i'm sorry
your going through---We Are Allowing ourselves to be mistreated because
we had/have a stupid -big-heart....then created Monsters!
We need to pull ourself by the boot straps and stop taking **** !! no different when a man/lover does this to us! it's abusive and still should be kicked to the curb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You make me cried. I think you should run away ago to womens protective shelter or something. Stay there until you are ready to regroup and have enough money to live again. I advise you to try fight the custody of you grand kids too.

tell the police they stole from you and sue them. get your own place asap. they will respect you more but sounds like they really arent worth bothering about. They`ll soon want a babysitter so dont worry.

Is there anyway you can contact state authorities? They are breaking a law. Call local authorities. They are abiding the system.

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THANK YOU FOR WRITING IN because getting it all out on paper helps to outline the insanity of it and the surrealism of it.
FIRST, hang up the phone and do not answer the door for about three long months.
The next three months after that be very rude and cold and short with him asking him what he wants? Then hang up while he is talking mid sentence.
Tell him you are busy and to call back, then don't answer for about an entire week and drive him mad.
Remember that your little boy the part of you that you loved and cherished has the little bit of pittbull of the bad *** man you divorced and this is called geniticallypredisposed to being a jerk. TOUGHEN UP and forget about the pure illusion that children are supposed to grow up to be loving and kind because MOST are not.
Chalk it up to something in the food or water these days...
Try to let go, as hard as it is, to lower your expectations of him and start living as a single woman with a life before children mentality, KEEP YOURSELF like a seperate entity.
You have the child hood memories which will always be in your heart, but now you must realize that adult children are a let down just like romance novels could not compare to real life love....
now go do your nails and get outside and DO NOT TELL THE PERSON AT THE BUS STOP YOUR PROBLEMS.
Start to meet new people and take a good look around you are not just a mother on this planet and it is time to just be a person after a long hard life of motherhood.
I also watch old Carol Burnett on Youtube for a good ol laugh....
We are all in the same damn sinking boat so just put your lipstick on and stiff upper lip honey!!!

hi i have the same problem, but i think mine is worse, my 25yr old son is a bully and now his 18yr old and 16yr old brothers are the same mental abuse every day, had enough now, they even bully their 14yr old sister not anymore time to cut ties and run with my daughter, my fault i gave them too much.

I think sub63 has the right idea. You've got to set your boundaries in each conversation. Each time he says something that is contrary to your ideas, morals, and viewpoint, challenge him. Each time. <br />
<br />
I am only now starting to do this with my brothers, all of whom have ignored me and cast me off as if I don't exist all my life. I have nothing left to lose, since they are completely lost anyway. I call them on their b***s*** now, in what little contact we have. It feels at least good, empowering, to me that I am standing up for my viewpoint, regardless of what they think of me. What are they going to do? Stop talking to me? They already do that.<br />
<br />
Although it sounds as if your relationship with your son is over. I'm so sorry for you. I love my son more than my own life. How awful to have that love reviled.

I just wish to heaven I had gotten out of all their negative BS a whole lot sooner!!! My life would have been far happier and more productive. Society tells us if we don't get along with our family, no matter how abusive they are to us, we are not good people. I think that's the wrong message. Some people are so negative and destructive, the best you can do is get away from them. Painful as it is, staying will just be more painful and accomplish nothing!

He sounds a lot like my sister, who is also a very mean and emotionally abusive person and has been allowed to behave in this manner all of her life and my parents never stopped or tried to correct her behavior. You should read my story " We were wrongly accused of Not feeding Our Son" and " It Seemed Like No one Cared" to understand how ugly and absolutely disgusting "family" can REALLY be, there are times when they can be your worst enemy!! We, ( me and my husband) will NEVER trust her again and most likely will never have any type of a normal relationship with her and the rest of my family. It is just so SICK!!!!!

My son makes a lot of money, the girls fall all over him. His game is still working for him (sort of), so I don't see him changing. I've never in my life heard him admit he was wrong. <br />
<br />
He has been so heartless to me for so many years. If he came to my door right now, I would not open it. If I saw him on the street, I would turn around and run. <br />
<br />
I'm glad every thing worked out for you (sub63), but I don't see us ever having a relationship again. I got burned so badly. I don't think I ever trusted him. Finally he frightened me...well, if you scare me, that's pretty much it.

my heart goes out to you i had similar problems with my son i sat him down one day and told him he needed to sort himself out or he would no longer be welcome in my house it took a while to sink in but after i refused to have anything to do with him for about 6 months he sorted himself out and came back with an appology and a promise never to do it again that was 2 years ago and since then he has been the perfect son i hope you can be brave and put your foot down to it is hard i know and maybe he wont change but you have to think of your happines and while it will hurt to say no to him you will feel better eventualy