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My Grown Son (33) Is Abusive To Me

My grown son (33) is verbally very abusive to me.  He has always been difficult, especially since I divorced his father (years ago).  He was mean to me and his step-mother.  I don't understand why.  We all catered to him, spoiled him, I guess, but most sons don't react that the way he did.  He has always been narcissistic.  Felt entitled!  He did not empathize or feel compassion for me or others.  It was always about him.  He would phone and talk for hours about his problems, and I listened.  I was always very supportive.  I told him I loved him.  I would have done anything for him.  But he didn't bother even sending me a birthday card.  He didn't visit unless we were vacationing somewhere he wanted to be like at the beach.  If I had a problem, I could keep it to myself.  He had better things to do than listen.  Hearing my problems was "boring," though I almost never talked about myself or my problems with him.  Not unless it was something important. 

The older he has gotten the worse he has gotten.  I didn't think that was possible.  I kept thinking one day he would mature and behave like a man.  Unfortunately, my ex. did not teach him how to behave like a man.  He never disciplind him.  He let my son be abusive to his new wife and disrupt his entire household.  He was afraid of losing his only son and always agreed with him.  I am not his stepmother's champion.  She had an affair with my husband while I was sick in the hospital.  Still, I did not want my son to be abusive to people.  I cared about his character.  I do not like him, nor do I think he has a good character.  It took me years to admit that!  The last thing a mother wants to admit!

Lately, I am scared of him.  Actually frightened of him.  He has been outrageously verbally abusive to me. Hateful, as if he wants to hurt me.  Hurt me bad.  I suppose he is insecure and deep down feels rejected, but look how he treats people.  No wonder he is rejected.  That's NOT the way he looks at things.  He never does any wrong!

Am I the only one with this terrible experience?  I don't know what's wrong with my son.  No one abused him, more like the opposite, gave into him.  Apologized to him when he should have been the one apologizing.  He has hurt a lot of people.  He has hurt me to the point that I want nothing to do with him.  It took a lot!!!   I loved him more than life itself and would have done anything for him.  Now, I am afraid of him. 

I hope someone responds to my story. 
Seeking Hope
seekinghope seekinghope 51-55, F 16 Responses Feb 17, 2011

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I understand your pain as I have the same. My daughter... The boundary I am setting is this.. The next time I speak with her it will be in front of a therapist or not at all. She is very sick.

I to am dealing with the same issue, and I have decided, after many times being hurt, on purpose - emotionally, to end this relationship and I don't even know if I want to talk with him again, because I have gone through this more than once and mentally I can take no more, I don't care what people think of me, "walk in my shoes with him" and see just how abusive he is, he does it behind other peoples back, not when others are around, tells them I am insane, he never hated anyone more than he hates me. He is 34, and a narcissistic personality, - which most young abusive adult children are, Feels he is entitled to my money, to pay his bills, etc. Yet, he is such a great guy to his friends, do anything for them, but use my resources to do it.
I am done, I will take no more abuse from him, or anyone.

My son, 35, was the same. I don't understand why. He was loved and cherished as a child and an adult. He had ADD as a child and I think that led to anxiety and depression as an adult. Recently he committed suicide. It was not until after he died that I realized I was a victim and he was very mentally ill. As terrible as it is, I am now at peace. I no longer a filthy liar and stupid. I never wanted him to die, I just asked God to please heal him and help me. Hopefully he is in heaven and finally at peace.

my son calls me stupid and i look stupid and bad mom etc. he is pissed cuz he wants to get good grades and lacks sleep but that isnt a good reason to do that to mom. so i cut off his food supply. he went to state prison. and he feel that society wants him to dig a big hole and lie in it cuz he can get a job. he is fustrated and i get his irritations and its impossible to get over the emotional and verbal abuise. my husband does the same thing and now i have professional advise that they are not going to change. its not worth time to enlighten them of what they are doing because it was entitlement and it cannot go back in reverse to when the good side shows. so best to keep on reminding yourself that when ever you open your mout each time and its about a subject that is not about you and i mean any subject like a list of food that you buy. remind all day long over and over and over to yourself is this for me, me cuz that what the verbal and emotional abuse can be beat by highly being narcissistic its a defense. don't feel guilty about their welfare push it away no need to express any negative comments to them silence is gold just silent warfare to keep you on top defense. if my husbad and son do disrespect i dont ask they will see the credit card usage going in the five or six digit range and i don't car! Its all about you taking the control cuz they aint changing. getw them in the wallet dont be available be wigth your social group and play bingo yeah do no chore cuz it gets inthe way if you need yourself there is not conveyor belt feeling. be free and dont let anyone clip your wings

I like you spoiled my son who for a long time, was an only child. My ex (his father) is extremely narcissistic. He was very wanted & very loved by me anyway.... He now has children of his own whom I adore but in order to see them regularly I have to contend with my sons abuse. He is like a dictator not only with me but the kids too & to a degree his wife, who runs round after him constantly. I keep hoping that age, travel experience etc will improve him - it doesnt and I am counting the years for when my grandchildren will be old enough to see me without consent so I no longer have to put up with him. They are getting old enough to recognise how he is with me & are beginning to speak up for me but Im afraid he will punish them for this & worry consantly! I loved him so much as a child and (I thought) we were very close. Any love I had for him he kills with his nasty words & put downs time & time & time again. His loss I say.

I have the same problem and looking for help.

I dont understand how a son could hate his mother so much. I'm sorry for you and I know it's going to break your heart. But at some point you just gonna have to let him go. He dont deserve the sacrifices that you have given all this while. And you my dear deserve some happiness of your own. With him around you, you're not gonna be happy. He's demoralizing you.

ive given my life, sweat ,tears, and career for my precious son.. now he's 22 and thinking if I hung myself right now .. if that would finally make him happy !
so abusive screaming " I cant wait till your 80 yrs old and lonely" besides the repeative F'U's....
what happened? what did I do? or go wrong? It's just been 4 days froma very expensive Alaskan trip we just got back from, all the ATV's, Fishing, Rafting excursions with his brother and me. Then POW !yells at me with such great Hate.
just before I gave him a grad party 1,000 and 500.00 suit !
Uh please shoot me--as I remind myself by writing this I see what an *** my own son took me for!
So hurt that I want to die and give that to him as his last present!
Kids make you hate them for treating you like trash.

to think all those years just to be right next to them, the 3 b's book-bath-bed,
school chaperones to packing 2 lunches incase they were extra hungry.
(I cant reminisce, my tears are blinding me)
So here i'm looking up ways of hanging myself--this pain kills me !
7/31/13

Desert him completely. He doesnt deserve you & you deserve much better than this. Dump him & mean it. Push him on to his Father or worse, on his own to stand on his own 2 feet. & if you do hang yourself, make very sure he doesnt get a penny. Put some distance between you - gather your strength & esteem again & have a good life. If you allow him back in then it has to be on your terms. This generation sees kindness as weakness & consequently they have no respect for that. Good luck x

I am in a situation where I just not suffer from depression, P.T.S.D. and other mental illnesses, but I as, am also physically disabled. I live with my daughter and her boyfriend and my young 3 grandsons, who I love dearly. They steal all my money, food stamps pawn my belongings, mentally they take advantage of me, because I am 57 and have no where to go. No shelters have any beds. And If I don't give them everything I have they threaten to throw me out. They spend my food stamps cook big suppers never offer me any, so I live on p-nut butter sandwiches which I have to sneak to make. I live in the attic and they lock the door so I cannot use the bathroom. I do not know what to do. In the lastmonth they took my student loan money, almost five thousand, which i was going to use to get a small place. I go to school and work hard at obtaining A's and I get student loans to help out with my finances, I feel like I am incarcerated. I know what they do with the money. I took an over dose the other day day,but its not worth it, i love my grandchildren. They my daughter and her boyfriend know I am weak and vulnerable, and they use and abuse me. I could and would never ever even swear at my parents. What is this world coming to???? I am so lost :-(

i'm not one to advise , cause i'm an the same boat, just want to say i'm sorry
your going through---We Are Allowing ourselves to be mistreated because
we had/have a stupid -big-heart....then created Monsters!
We need to pull ourself by the boot straps and stop taking **** !! no different when a man/lover does this to us! it's abusive and still should be kicked to the curb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You make me cried. I think you should run away ago to womens protective shelter or something. Stay there until you are ready to regroup and have enough money to live again. I advise you to try fight the custody of you grand kids too.

tell the police they stole from you and sue them. get your own place asap. they will respect you more but sounds like they really arent worth bothering about. They`ll soon want a babysitter so dont worry.

THANK YOU FOR WRITING IN because getting it all out on paper helps to outline the insanity of it and the surrealism of it.
FIRST, hang up the phone and do not answer the door for about three long months.
The next three months after that be very rude and cold and short with him asking him what he wants? Then hang up while he is talking mid sentence.
Tell him you are busy and to call back, then don't answer for about an entire week and drive him mad.
THIS WILL SET THE ***** STRAIGHT.
Remember that your little boy the part of you that you loved and cherished has the little bit of pittbull of the bad *** man you divorced and this is called geniticallypredisposed to being a jerk. TOUGHEN UP and forget about the pure illusion that children are supposed to grow up to be loving and kind because MOST are not.
Chalk it up to something in the food or water these days...
Try to let go, as hard as it is, to lower your expectations of him and start living as a single woman with a life before children mentality, KEEP YOURSELF like a seperate entity.
THIS ALONE WILL ALLOW YOU TO BUILD NEW RELATIONSHIPS AND TRY NEW HOBBIES and just try to let it all go.
You have the child hood memories which will always be in your heart, but now you must realize that adult children are a let down just like romance novels could not compare to real life love....
now go do your nails and get outside and DO NOT TELL THE PERSON AT THE BUS STOP YOUR PROBLEMS.
Start to meet new people and take a good look around you are not just a mother on this planet and it is time to just be a person after a long hard life of motherhood.
I also watch old Carol Burnett on Youtube for a good ol laugh....
We are all in the same damn sinking boat so just put your lipstick on and stiff upper lip honey!!!

hi i have the same problem, but i think mine is worse, my 25yr old son is a bully and now his 18yr old and 16yr old brothers are the same mental abuse every day, had enough now, they even bully their 14yr old sister not anymore time to cut ties and run with my daughter, my fault i gave them too much.

I think sub63 has the right idea. You've got to set your boundaries in each conversation. Each time he says something that is contrary to your ideas, morals, and viewpoint, challenge him. Each time. <br />
<br />
I am only now starting to do this with my brothers, all of whom have ignored me and cast me off as if I don't exist all my life. I have nothing left to lose, since they are completely lost anyway. I call them on their b***s*** now, in what little contact we have. It feels at least good, empowering, to me that I am standing up for my viewpoint, regardless of what they think of me. What are they going to do? Stop talking to me? They already do that.<br />
<br />
Although it sounds as if your relationship with your son is over. I'm so sorry for you. I love my son more than my own life. How awful to have that love reviled.

I just wish to heaven I had gotten out of all their negative BS a whole lot sooner!!! My life would have been far happier and more productive. Society tells us if we don't get along with our family, no matter how abusive they are to us, we are not good people. I think that's the wrong message. Some people are so negative and destructive, the best you can do is get away from them. Painful as it is, staying will just be more painful and accomplish nothing!

He sounds a lot like my sister, who is also a very mean and emotionally abusive person and has been allowed to behave in this manner all of her life and my parents never stopped or tried to correct her behavior. You should read my story " We were wrongly accused of Not feeding Our Son" and " It Seemed Like No one Cared" to understand how ugly and absolutely disgusting "family" can REALLY be, there are times when they can be your worst enemy!! We, ( me and my husband) will NEVER trust her again and most likely will never have any type of a normal relationship with her and the rest of my family. It is just so SICK!!!!!

My son makes a lot of money, the girls fall all over him. His game is still working for him (sort of), so I don't see him changing. I've never in my life heard him admit he was wrong. <br />
<br />
He has been so heartless to me for so many years. If he came to my door right now, I would not open it. If I saw him on the street, I would turn around and run. <br />
<br />
I'm glad every thing worked out for you (sub63), but I don't see us ever having a relationship again. I got burned so badly. I don't think I ever trusted him. Finally he frightened me...well, if you scare me, that's pretty much it.

my heart goes out to you i had similar problems with my son i sat him down one day and told him he needed to sort himself out or he would no longer be welcome in my house it took a while to sink in but after i refused to have anything to do with him for about 6 months he sorted himself out and came back with an appology and a promise never to do it again that was 2 years ago and since then he has been the perfect son i hope you can be brave and put your foot down to it is hard i know and maybe he wont change but you have to think of your happines and while it will hurt to say no to him you will feel better eventualy