I Never Saw It Coming

It began with him persisting that I give him a chance. I wasn't even tempted. We got ok so I thought it would be nice to hang out together. We were hanging out together, watching tv and I almost feel asleep with my back to him. He began stroking my back sending tingles through me and then he kissed my neck. The chemistry was unreal. We shared an incredibly passionate, intoxicating kiss.

When we stopped and sobered up I said things would have to go very slowly. Little did I know that this got his back up.

But it was lovely for a while. We curled up together on the couch kissing, holding each other,listening to music. The passion stayed strong. He text me every morning that I wasn't with him to say good morning and have a good day. He text every night so say sweet dreams. What I didn't know was I wasn't the only one getting this from him.

He coaxed me to talk about things and eventually I opened up completely to him. He had said nasty things to me before but he was so sorry and so loving and affectionate I believed him. But after I made myself completely vulnerable he judged me, insulted me, tried to choke me, threatened to kill me. There were times I wish he had because none of that was as bad as the things he said to me and the other things he did to me where other women were concerned.

He told me I wasn't attractive, flabby, (size 8) , demanding, crazy, selfish, useless, that I had nothing going for me, that I was irresponsible, inconsiderate. He constantly hit on other women and rubbed his ex's in my face. He used his 10 year old daughter as a reason for doing so many morally wrong things to me.

I came out of there needing his approval, needing his affection, and despising myself. I am pulling myself together and he hasn't been in touch because it turns out he practically harassed a friend of mine while he was seeing me but he didn't know she and I were friends. (and I didn't know he had any contact with her). Since he found out he has cut off all contact with me...but I didn't realise that was the reason until recently.

I know he is right that I am messed up and I must have been to get involved with him in the first place. But I am beginning to see that I didn't deserve the physical and emotional abuse. I didn't deserve to be treated like a piece of s...t . I didn't deserve to be used.

I truly loved him and saw so much good in him to begin with. I trusted him completely. And he destroyed a part of me. I don't know if I can ever repair it.
momentsofsadness momentsofsadness
26-30, F
12 Responses Apr 6, 2011

I am sorry that you had to go through all this.

@ momentsofsadness Your situation mirrors mine I have two babies with my ex. We have been separated for 10 month and nothing really has changed. If it were not for the hatred my older children have for him we more than likely would still be living together. My friends and family worry about me. But I still let him in my home and my heart believing that he really will change this time like he says. He seems so sincere. With in the last two weeks he has choked me grabbed my face twisting my neck leaving my neck and shoulders sore, threatened to kill me, sexually assaulted me several times during his weekend visit and broke my tail bone during an altercation in which he grabbed me from behind and was shoving me down my hallway and accidentally dropped me on my bum because i was fighting him. This has been on going through out our three year relationship. My sister says I detach myself from the abuse. To me its just something that happens and I just put it out of my mind and move on to life as usual. He also called me a F****** B**** over the phone as I was in labor and on the way to the hospital to deliver our son. His excuse is that he didn't think I was really in labor and I was yelling at him for not being there for the birth of our son. I was hysterical about giving birth alone. Sadly there really are no good memories to hold on to. His temper and bad attitude has ruined every moment that could have been beautiful. At least he has a job and is giving me child support. He thinks thats enough. I'm almost 40 and am losing the hope that I'll ever have a loving relationship in which to raise my children. That window of opportunity is over in my life and its killing me inside. My only dream as a child was to be a good wife and mother.

wow I know exactly what you mean .I met what I thought was the love of my life ,the marriage lasted 8 months and boy was I wrong .After everything and 22 years later married kids etc I still think of her even though she nearly destroyed me.Your not alone.

Ugh, the manipulative games men play with women feelings. I have learned that when a guy pushes you so hard to open up to him, is so affectionate, acts like he cares so much, then once he learns all your secrets and vulnerabilities and uses them against you, it's time to run far away from him. The moment they turn the things you say to them back on you, it's time to get away from him no matter how much he apologizes because he will do it again and again. I've been a victim of that type of mental and emotional abuse myself...so sorry you had to go through that hon...

socalman43 thank you. I found it hard to believe that anyone would cherish anothers feelings after my experience. i guess i let it over take me completely. but you seem to understand it deeply and more than that you value what i gave him...it actually makes me feel sad that he couldn't appreciate the depth of my feelings. I am angry with him though.

Tidal wave I even want to let go...I don't want this toxic person in my life.

Your situation mirrors my recent ex, she has two kids with this bastard who controlled her and hit her when he couldn't, gave her lethal levels of alcohol to ruin what me and her were having due to her addiction and being off her meds, and it took everything I had to try and save her. It didn't work but I realized I didn't fail her; she kept giving in and letting herself fall apart until I couldn't take it anymore. Now she is sober and on her own doing better but she doesn't express interest in intimacy. <br />
<br />
It still hurts but when you know you're doing the right thing and letting go, there WILL be a silver lining. Trust me.

Killer. it's a crash scene

Yeah i am myself suffering in a much younger relationship. Being so connected to somebody and then having those connections flow destruction into you can be so damaging to one.

Thank you both. RavenWillow those words are wise and even reading it makes me see things more clearly. <br />
<br />
Thank you Jacob1080. I will recover. I am lucky to have good friends and family. I am woman hear me roar!<br />
<br />
I have a long way to go but I have come a long way since no contact and the worse thing at the moment for me is that I still care about him. I hate that I do. But the bottom line is human beings are generally good people with bad tendencies from time to time - he is a horrible person with good tendencies from time to time. And to be fair suffering the relationship has woken me up to Narcissitic Personality Disorder.. I now have a radar for it.

holy crap. <br />
<br />
I am so sorry you got so horribly mistreated by this pathetic man. I hope you can recover.

The most important thing here is that you have recognised that this isn't about you. It's about him. It's so easy to sit back and believe things someone you care about says are true, but being able to step back and say, well actually, no I don't deserve this, is the big thing. Nobody should have to be in a situation where they are abused in any way, but at least physically, you're out of there. If he comes back, and tries anything again, just remember how you don't deserve that treatment. And if he doesn't take no for an answer, and keeps pushing, you go the police. He wanted you to be scared of him, wanted to be dominant, so its the best thing to do if he comes sniffing around. <br />
<br />
The only other thing I can say is this. He controlled you, clearly. He wanted to be in charge. If you let him ***** you of your trust for others, let him take away that part of you, you may never be in a healthy relationship again. It sounds hard, but you will learn to trust again. Most of all because if you don't, he will have won. Because he will stop you getting the thing he never wanted to give you. The love, the respect and the joy of being in a healthy, caring relationship.