I Just Don't Understand Why...

For a very long time, I have always worried more about what everyone else needs from me.  I have never stood up for what I needed, for it simply always felt selfish.  I have found lately I am digging hard, pleading to make others happy.  I am falling.  I am falling face first into the mud, while someone who claims to love me watches me fall repeatedly and shows no emotion.  What happened to the man who seemed to respect and appreciate me?  He was not real, and I am only learning now just how fake it all was.

I have grown to think that partnership was about two people.  I spend my days giving love, trust, time, energy, and devotion.  Why am I told I am too dependent when I need that back?  I want to be loved.  I want to be needed.  I want to be able to tell my partner if I am sick, or simply had a bad day at work.
Instead I have spent the last week feeling that my death would not spark the tiniest sense of loss for the man I promised to marry.  He needs his unrealistic virtual environment to feel whole.  I give nothing to his quality of life.  If I speak of my emotions, how things hurt me or how I feel; I risk abandonment.  He tells me I do not know when to leave well enough alone.  He tells me he has a temper and I make him react the way he does.  He has repeatedly told me I am the issue.  I make him miserable.  But when his anger goes away and he finally can look at me without a steal gaze, to him everything is then fine.  But I hang on to the hurt and each episode of this behaviour has me reeling and questioning myself.
He has hurt me more than any man I have been with and on a much deeper level.  I have never carried a bruise on my body, but as a whole, spiritually and emotionally I could never be the same again.

I reach out and I am pushed away.  I try with 150% and I am criticized, and flooded with so much negativity that I do not know which of my flaws he hates the most.  I spend each day thinking and rethinking my sentences so that there is less possibility I will say it the wrong way and make him angry. My daughter and I opened our home and we now walk on fuses around the house so that he will be comfortable.  He has accused me of cheating, and if I go to the home of the one real friend I have, I am only there to smoke.  Lately, I feel if I didn't have her to let out some of these feelings; I may just burst.

I have only ever wanted to be loved :( I am not the ex-wife.  I am me.  I am a 33 year old who needs hugs, kisses and to feel wanted.  I want him to show me he loves me by sitting with me, or snuggling with me.  Looking up from your game every time I walk in the room and saying "I love you" with a half-smile is not a way to make a person feel visible and important.

I do not have any idea how to go about this.  I feel it is said and said again, but I am still ignored and neglected.  I want to be made love to, and instead I lost again to gaming.  It is hard to find sleep when the man you love is in another room with the real love of his life and his true soul mate.... The XBox.
I spent my childhood wanting nothing else but the love and approval of my parents.  I can remember at a very young age, watching my mother squeeze her chin due to anxiety until it was purple, and wanting to know what I did wrong to cause her such anguish.  I was the first child and a nuisance as soon as I was old enough to speak.  I have never had a bond with my parents, or my siblings.  I have been the black sheep of the family for as long as I can even remember.  I remember my father saying when I was quite young that “No one will ever love you as much as your parents.”  As funny as it seems, I remember that statement making me very sad.  I never felt loved by them throughout any phase of my life.

My first relationship with a man at the age of 14 left me hurt, confused and my confidence was lost.  He was 20, and cheated on me with a half a dozen women in the 6 months we were together.  I could not understand why someone would hurt me that way.  All I wanted was to give love, and get love in return.  I began starving myself, and finding any and every flaw I could in myself to blame it on.  I just wanted affection, from another human being.  I wanted to feel loved.

I was hospitalized at 15 because I had an eating disorder and I attempted suicide.  My mother placed me there to see if there was a way they could "fix" me.  I was depressed, and it seemed I was broken.  I have always been emotional, and I have always hurt deeply when I hurt at all.  I have been told my whole life that was a good quality, and it was only recently that I started questioning all the qualities I have.  How can you not when they are kept in the form of a ball to be thrown at me face first in the heat of an argument?
 I have never had such low self-worth.   I spend each and every day trying to reach out, thinking today will be different.  It is always the same.  It always ends with me crying, feeling like I do not exist to the man I am engaged to, and feeling like I want to end it all.  I want to end the pain, and never have to hear all the flaws I have in such a thunderous outburst.  I do not know why I let this happen again, I was shown what to look for to avoid abusive relationships, and yet I keep falling in.  I was so careful this time, and it was not until the ring went on my finger that I even seen signs.  I am scared, and I feel very trapped and desperate.
All I ever wanted is affection.
StormyWeather1977 StormyWeather1977
31-35, F
4 Responses Aug 12, 2011

I can relate to this more than i care to admit. I wish i could hug you. This post made me realize a few things about my life and i appreciate you opening up. Thank you.

Anytime :) I have a hard time reading my own stories at times. Looking back at the despair I felt, and how I let someone manipulate me the way I did makes me feel sick at times. I have not seen this man since June. I wonder sometimes how I will react if I did, but I know he taught me some valuable life lessons. I really hope he gets some help before attempting to ruin another woman's self worth. We do so much, and give so much just to feel loved by these people, when a good man came into my life, I had no idea what to do with him. He is still teaching me daily that what I have always known was not normal. It was not love. I am glad you got something from my story :)

thank you for posting this. i feel like we are living the same life. except on top of all of it, i have also had many bruises. I have been beaten, punched, hit and I am emotionally drained. I wish I could talk with you more, you truly understand what im going through

Giving is the highest happiness you can achieve but it is about giving to yourself and others. It is not selfish to treat yourself with something special. I am happy you have found a place to vent your frustration and let it out. Two small things :<br />
Death is not the solution because tomorrow things will be different - believe. <br />
<br />
Find something for yourself. What is your talent? No one can take it way from you...<br />
<br />
Said woman take it slow<br />
It'll work itself out fine<br />
All we need is just a little patience<br />
Said sugar make it slow<br />
And we'll come together fine<br />
All we need is just a little patience<br />
- Guns n Roses

I just have to start by saying I'm very sorry you are going through this. It's never easy to give your all to someone, and trust that you will get it back. But you have, and the absolute worst thing came from it, you're not getting it back. Mental abuse is way worse than physical, the bruises will eventually go away, but the words never leave your mind and stay with you forever. I can sit here and tell you to leave him, because that is the only thing you should do especially when you have a daughter, but who am I to tell you what to do with your life? But I will say, the longer you stay, the more control he is going to have over you and the harder it will be to leave. You and your daughter deserve someone who treats you with respect and loves you the way you love him, never settle for anything short of that.