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I Guess This Is How Our Story Ends...

I spent two and a half years telling the man I loved that he was everything.  I supported him when he felt the world was against him.  Even through constant criticism and blame, I stood there because I believed he would see me.  I believed he would some day see how devoted and loyal I was.  I spent so much time trying to talk about things, taking on all of the accountability since he had none, even when his temper got him to the point of grabbing me by the back of my neck and snarling at me.  I was always to blame, it is me who causes him to act this way.

I have been digging deep today trying to find the strength I know I have inside, for today my whole world changed.  I was fooled, and I am embarrassed.  My fiancé asked me this morning after making love to me, if I was going to have coffee with my best friend.  We both are having gastro intestinal issues and we have been each others support through the whole ordeal.  It is a scary thing, being 33 and having the same disease that my father dealt with.  I went for coffee believing all was fine.  He was texting me and even sent me a kiss and told me that he loved me.  I came home an hour later to an empty house.  I am lost, very confused, but yet the little girl inside of me feels relieved, and almost happy that she may once again be able to be herself.

I do not know who I am anymore.  I have spent two + years building my world around someone who belittled me, and tore me apart daily making me question what he possibly wanted me for if I was that horrific.  I was called uncivil, and constantly put down.  I did everything around the house, cleaned, did his laundry, and it was so depended upon, that he did not bother taking his dirty clothes.  They were left here for me to cry over.  It baffles me how abusers always play victim, and pretend to be something when they are quite honestly the opposite.  I fell in love with a man who would not have abandoned me.  This is not the man I agreed to marry.
After everything you tolerate and do because you love them, would one not think I deserve more?  

I remain sleepless and in emotional pain, I have no answers, just the cloud of insults he has thrown at me over the past few months swirling around my head. I keep trying to figure out which flaw drove him to sneak out on me like this.  But I could go all night with the amount of them if I began to list them all :(
StormyWeather1977 StormyWeather1977 31-35, F 3 Responses Aug 22, 2011

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Thank God he's gone!! The part about how abusers play victim and pretend to be something they are not hurts a lot. I have been there and know how difficult it can be to have a perfectly healthy outlook and way of communicating with someone only for them to act up and turn it around to make it look likeit is your fault. Love yourself more next time you see a man, and if he begins to act in ANY WAY WHATSOEVER like something he has done is even remotely your fault, let him know you know whats up and that you wont put up with such treatment...if he tries to do it again, walk alway-everytime. You have the responsibility to make yourself happy as we all do but not all of us take it on and think it is up to other people to do it for us (make us happy that is).

You are a strong woman with character. Hang in there and believe that things will eventually turn out to your expectations.

You are a strong woman with character. Hang in there and believe that things will eventually turn out to your expectations.