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My Husband Emotionally Abuses Me

I feel lost. Tonight, I was crying in bed. My husband asked me what was wrong. I told him something I've tried to talk to him about several times before, which was my mistake. I am having a hard time with my work/family balance, and wanted to talk to him about solutions since it just isn't working out. I also wanted to address our finances; not really money problems, but that he is very controlling with money and grills me about every dime I spend (I am quite thrifty; not a big spender by any means). He became very angry at me, accused me of saying that he doesn't do enough around the house (which I've never said - he does a lot and I appreciate it). After screaming at me and putting me down for a while, he threatened to have me thrown out of the house, to divorce me, and to take the children away from me. I didn't do anything to him - I didn't get angry at him, I didn't call him names, I didn't do anything except ask him for help. I left the room to get away from him, and after a few minutes he found me, trapped me in the laundry room, and started yelling at me. I told him that he needed to let me out, which he did, but then he put me down about that. He then said he needed all of the children's schedules, but wouldn't tell me why. He told me that he would call his parents and my parents to tell them that he can't take me pressuring him any more and that he doesn't think I love him. He told me to take his car and my cell phone and leave the house to move to Michigan, where we used to live, tonight. Then, he said he needed my schedule so that he can figure out if he'd be able to take the kids to see me sometime, and that I would need to move in with a friend there. I am their primary caregiver. They depend on me and they are my whole life. I am a good mother. He yelled and screamed at me, and cut me off mid sentence, and if I tried to defend myself or slightly raise my voice (I swear on a stack of bibles that I never once yelled), he suddenly calms down and says, "See...you're the one who's yelling."
Jo45 Jo45 36-40 13 Responses Sep 22, 2011

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I have the same problem with my husband, he is always yelling at me and putting me down. Since I lost my job it got even worst than before. I am looking for a job but still having hard time to find one, and he is always putting me down because of it. I am taking care of my two sons his mother and his 23 years old son is living with us. All housework is on me,, like cooking and cleaning. I dont mind doing housework, but saying that i am nobody and i am good for nothing is really hurt. I am so stressed right now i just dont know what to do.

Sorry to read this but can totally relate. My husband is exactly the same. He's passive aggressive and I hate it and now hate him too. He has me trapped at the moment as we moved away from my country to live in his so leaving is complicated. I am going to bide my time and when the moment is right, I am gone. Yesterday, I was suspended from work and all he cared about was my wage being lost. He doesn't know how to be supportive and when I say this to him he says, 'oh right, it's all about you again.' I am tired of living like this and know if we were in my country, I would have already thrown his pathetic arse out of my house. He thinks he's won because it isn't easy for me to get out of here but he's in for a big shock. I am so angry that I smashed a picture of his and of course, 'look what you did. Your not right.' my fault again. Can't wait to get out of here and away from this mind messing person and forget him forever. Surprised we last 12 years.

My husband is a alcoholic and its driving me and my family crazy his mom passed 2years ago I quit my job and went to Romulus, MI to help him take care of his teenage sister and bro who both have disabilities he takes all his problems out on me and say if it was not for there money I wouldn't be nothing I take care my house hold make sure the kids good i dont do nothing for myself he gets mad cause I don't give him money for weed and drinks he blame all his problems on me and his mom being gone but he was drinking before his mom pass he gets drunk and pees all over my house kitchen sink, floor, garbage where ever I'm tired only so much I can take before all this I took care of him and his son and had my own so he can't push nothing out his mouth saying I just won't there money I do everything for him his son and sister and brother the little money they have help but I would have did it without the money and I'm sick of him dogging me like I don't do enough when I'm doing it all he to busy getting drunk then to worry about his house hold

Hang in there sweetie your good cause most women would not have took on that responsibility don't let him still your joy or make u fill like what u did was nothing because it was everything and u deserve to treat yourself sometimes keep your head up and stay strong I'm praying for u and your family.

I pray for you and peace of mind. You are a wonderful person, no matter what the issues may be. Pray for goodness, and at least for your children's sake, be brave and put on a smile. They need you so much for their future, G-D bless you in every way. Stay strong!

My 2 year contract with my cell phone company was up and I had talked with my husband about buying a $199 new phone. I had bought him a $399 Iphone for Christmas. I went and bought one for $99 on Friday June 2nd. He got drunk on Saturday, June 3rd, and started yelling at me and said I didn't ask his permission to buy the phone and said he'd take care of it and grabbed it and threw it at our sliding glass door. He picked it up and started throwing it on the floor. He threw it 5 times. My heart was racing. I grabbed an overnight bag and took it and my new broken phone with all the accessories (I hadn't even had time to open them up) and my paper work and drove into town to the cell phone store crying. I told them I drove over my phone by accident. They couldn't believe the shape it was in. It was almost bent in half. The glass was shattered. I had bought a warranty and they said it would cost $100 to get a replacement. I hate my husband so much. He apologized two days later when he was sober but who cares? I told him if he drank one more time, just one more time, even one beer, I would wait until he went out of town to work and load my pickup with all my belongings and put them into storage and move away and sue him for everything I can get out of him. His money is so important to him that I don't know if this will make him stop. I kept his drinking from my kids and everyone, but after this, I broke down and told my brother, my niece and my son. I couldn't keep the secret any longer. He lost his license for life for 4 DUIs. They thought he quit drinking 3 years ago. I was too ashamed to tell them that he has been drinking all along and has been very verbally abusive to me. He's not physically abusive, except one time when he wedged we put against the fridge and wouldn't let me out. I kinda think throwing my new phone all over the house was a form of physical abuse? What do you think?

My 2 year contract with my cell phone company was up and I had talked with my husband about buying a $199 new phone. I had bought him a $399 Iphone for Christmas. I went and bought one for $99 on Friday June 2nd. He got drunk on Saturday, June 3rd, and started yelling at me and said I didn't ask his permission to buy the phone and said he'd take care of it and grabbed it and threw it at our sliding glass door. He picked it up and started throwing it on the floor. He threw it 5 times. My heart was racing. I grabbed an overnight bag and took it and my new broken phone with all the accessories (I hadn't even had time to open them up) and my paper work and drove into town to the cell phone store crying. I told them I drove over my phone by accident. They couldn't believe the shape it was in. It was almost bent in half. The glass was shattered. I had bought a warranty and they said it would cost $100 to get a replacement. I hate my husband so much. He apologized two days later when he was sober but who cares? I told him if he drank one more time, just one more time, even one beer, I would wait until he went out of town to work and load my pickup with all my belongings and put them into storage and move away and sue him for everything I can get out of him. His money is so important to him that I don't know if this will make him stop. I kept his drinking from my kids and everyone, but after this, I broke down and told my brother, my niece and my son. I couldn't keep the secret any longer. He lost his license for life for 4 DUIs. They thought he quit drinking 3 years ago. I was too ashamed to tell them that he has been drinking all along and has been very verbally abusive to me. He's not physically abusive, except one time when he wedged we put against the fridge and wouldn't let me out. I kinda think throwing my new phone all over the house was a form of physical abuse? What do you think?

My 2 year contract with my cell phone company was up and I had talked with my husband about buying a $199 new phone. I had bought him a $399 Iphone for Christmas. I went and bought one for $99 on Friday June 2nd. He got drunk on Saturday, June 3rd, and started yelling at me and said I didn't ask his permission to buy the phone and said he'd take care of it and grabbed it and threw it at our sliding glass door. He picked it up and started throwing it on the floor. He threw it 5 times. My heart was racing. I grabbed an overnight bag and took it and my new broken phone with all the accessories (I hadn't even had time to open them up) and my paper work and drove into town to the cell phone store crying. I told them I drove over my phone by accident. They couldn't believe the shape it was in. It was almost bent in half. The glass was shattered. I had bought a warranty and they said it would cost $100 to get a replacement. I hate my husband so much. He apologized two days later when he was sober but who cares? I told him if he drank one more time, just one more time, even one beer, I would wait until he went out of town to work and load my pickup with all my belongings and put them into storage and move away and sue him for everything I can get out of him. His money is so important to him that I don't know if this will make him stop. I kept his drinking from my kids and everyone, but after this, I broke down and told my brother, my niece and my son. I couldn't keep the secret any longer. He lost his license for life for 4 DUIs. They thought he quit drinking 3 years ago. I was too ashamed to tell them that he has been drinking all along and has been very verbally abusive to me. He's not physically abusive, except one time when he wedged we put against the fridge and wouldn't let me out. I kinda think throwing my new phone all over the house was a form of physical abuse? What do you think?

Its hard, some men are just mean. My husband could care less about anyone but himself and certainly is verbally and mentally abusive. He makes sure that I never feel good about myself. Before I married him i was a strong confident single mom. He graduated *** Laude with a BS degree and was accepted to law school on scholarship. I have been blessed with brains and I am pretty, but since I married him I feel like the dumbest person alive. I feel so ugly and like I am fat most the time I am afraid to eat anymore, he continually tells me that I shouldn't eat that and I ate too much of that. I am only 130lbs and wear size 4 jeans, but I must be fat to him. I cook, clean, shop, and support this family; he lost his job about a year ago and doesn't want to take any job less than what he had. I do home daycare to stay home with my children and save money on daycare costs, but he is insistent lately that I give my children to their dad and find a full time job with my degree (I have the ability to make good money, but my children come first.) Then he comes back with how stupid I am and that I couldn't even get those jobs or be smart enough to do them. I feel worthless!

I know how your feeling. I also live with an emotional and verbal abuser. It's like you never know what will tick them off. Mine always says you love cranking me up. NOT! Why would I want all the abuse he shells out, and like you he can be ranting and roaring, and I have tried to remain calm, and try to talk sensible, but there is nothing I can say, and like you It's always my fault. I really do wish you well, Ive been married a very long time, and my husband is great most of the time, but it's hard when the beast comes our of his cage.

If I were in your situation and knew deep inside that the relationship was hopeless then I would seek the help from one of his family members to be a sort of "referee". He is unwilling to do therapy and says that you are the problem - that is wrong of him, you are trying to find answers and a session with a "referee" will reveal the truth. I spent a few days at my parents place and it did a lot of good for me and my wife. Are you close to your parents or sister/brother? They can be a shoulder to cry on. You are right, I don't fully understand your situation but do you feel better talking about it (to me)?<br />
You ask a lot of questions which show your passion and I would love to learn more about you. I feel happiness when I give help to others, so I can be your friend.<br />
You are a good person and caring. You are intelligent so give yourself a small gift because you deserve it. It is not selfish to pamper yourself and will boost your self esteem. <br />
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” You feel week because you don't feel deep love but feel courage because you love someone deeply.<br />
Have a good day...

I had all day to think about what happened last night, and I realized something. The commenter redhotblue was basically assuming that I had done something to deserve what happened. He assumed that my husband was the vulnerable one, while he held all the cards and all the power in the situation. I have done nothing to deserve being treated literally like trash, as if I could easily be thrown out to the curb with no regrets on his behalf. As if I was worthless. That is not an acceptable way to treat a spouse. There is nothing I have done (or haven't done if that's what you mean) to deserve being treated this way. I am always gentle with him, so why doesn't he have to be gentle with me? Why is he allowed to treat me like I am a piece of trash because something might be bothering him? Plenty is bothering me, as it should, but I do not take it out on him. I have had to deal with it myself until I tried to talk to him about it last night, and I only did because he asked me what was wrong. I kept it to myself because every time I open up to him, the result is the same. I almost kept quiet last night, in fear that something like this would happen again. And it did. And it shouldn't have happened. The kind of love that he wants is what I give him, every day, until I try to open up to him. And, what about the kind of love that I want? Someone who is there for me when I need, a shoulder to cry on, someone who loves me unconditionally, someone who makes me feel good about myself. Is that really too much to ask for?

Sorry...I wish any of the things you suggested were true, but they are not. I was calm or in tears during this whole conversation, while he was the one with the condescending and angry tone. Do you know what he wants from me? He tells me he wants to be happy, but does not allow me to talk to him about what I need to be happy. If I try, he becomes angry. He wants me to be happy on his terms. I know you mean well, but not all men are cut from the same cloth as you. He is not understanding and does not take responsibility for his hurtful words or actions; he blames me each time. I am there for him every day, for every complaint about his job, every bad day, and I help him with everything he asks of me. I unfortunately do not get the same. I have given love a chance for seven years, and things have not changed. He is controlling and does not treat me as his equal. He will not go to counseling with me or alone, and he has a significant problem with his anger. I have tried so many times to talk to him about what is bothering him, and it always ends with him yelling at me. I don't do these things to him. I shouldn't feel so alone in a marriage. But I do. I cannot fix this on my own, especially if he is unable to admit to how poorly he treats me.

Good to talk about your feelings. Find time on the weekend and be gentle with him to find out what bothers him. The time should be without distraction. My wife and I also have money problems but it we are not struggling. I blame myself for not earning more but i know that I earn a good salary. I am sure you are a good mother and your husband knows that. Do you know what type of love he wants? Ask him that question. Often as a man I feel unloved because my wife can not give me the kind of affectionate love I need. Sometimes it is not the words but the tone. He may be vulnerable and very giving person who is just sensitive. I wish you the best of life and love. Give love a chance.