A Lifetime of Harassement From Each and Every Member of My Family

I'm a resourceful, ingenuous, brave, strong and brilliant person... who always felt helpless and miserable deep inside, and keeps feeling that way because I've been treated as and inferior and despicable piece of meat since my childhood. Each and every member of "my" "family" taught to me that I deserved no love nor care, and that not even me myself should pay attention to my own needs and feelings. I'd never be a true member of the family, or of society. When I was a toddler, my mother used to tell me she regretted not to have accomplished her "duty" of killing me when I was a baby and that I didn't deserve or wasn't worthed the air I was breathing (I can yet remember myself asking God to forgive me because I sinned every time I breathed, thus "stealing" a good which didn't belong to me (the air). I'm 44 now, and she had recently told me "you've always been a child who didn't deserve love".

You'll wonder why I on earth I keep in contact with such a *****; well: my lack of self-confidence and self-esteem did influence my chances of success in work and love affairs (I did have a number of notorious achievements, but never felt worthed enough to ask for decent salaries, fees and more caring and respectful lovers). I earn little, I have virtually no savings (renting rooms in shared flats exhausted them), and, to make things worse, I donated HER all my share of the money and flats my father left to us after dying. She wasted it in helping my (literally) criminal sister and invested any remaining bit in a flat which I found for her, after making sure It would belong only to her. This is only the very preface to a whole terror story. 

I happen to be a writer, a translator and a teacher, and also an open-minded and honest person, but I still feel I am not worthed a ****, and probably reatarded, or unmoral, on mentally insane, as all the surviving members of "my" "family" insist on "remind" me of since the beginning of times until just now... 

I guess they sort of loved my "troublemaking" sister so much that weren't able to put the blame on her nor to forgive her, and found out an ill-minded solution: hating me instead of her while sistematically protecting her from the consequences of her own -delictive or not- actions...

As a result, I, the teacher, the writer, the 26 books translator, the former A-qualifications students, the novel artist with five individual exhibitions, the four foreign languages student and the Master of Arts University degree scholar, I, am the pity and the shame of all my family, can hardly afford a room in a shared flat without almost giving up eating, and often think of myself as a sort of ill-formed foetus who will never be able to escape from its own bloody uterous coffin...

Help me, please: friendly, sensible and caring words are usually much more effective than bromazepam, and will at least help me sleeping again... or... God knows.... might possibly help me finding a way out....

H2O2 H2O2
6 Responses Mar 7, 2009

thank you, my e-friends. I did my best to keep as far as possible from all of them. I have had almost no contact at all with any of them for about a year, and that has been very healing. The fact is that I had always wished I was far away since my very childhood, but I had to keep in contact because of economical reasons. I often lived in poverty away from them, but there were also times when I needed a roof over my head and a place to keep my dog and clothes.... and I wasn't able to find friend's or "social " help, so I had to "use" a part of that thing that was not my home, but was in fact a part of my father's inheritance and at least had a roof on top, a shower to keep clean and a cooker to cook the food I bought....

Listen to your heart However also use your head. What do they tell you? You're an intelegent woman who needs to figure out what she wants from life. once you figure that out you are one step closer to a happier life. In my opinionGetting away from that life and the people who have caused you so much pain is the only option. However It can be hard to leave those you love behind however hurtful they've been to you. Just think about what you can accomplish without them holding you back.

You sound like a very strong. You have accomplished so much with the struggles that you have had in your life. I can't exactly help you with your decision but what I can give you is support. Your story really touched me.<br />
Be true to thyself". I hope this helps you and I will be praying for you. Things have a way of working themselves out. You never know. You never know who you may meet that could change your life and help you through your struggles! :)<br />
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The problem is that I have serious difficulties in realizing I'm appreciated or considered worthy. The fact of having almost always earned and been yet earning too little doesn't help much. We all are living in a society that measures the worth of human beings as if this was Ferenginar not Earth: you are worthed exactly the sum of your material possesions. Yes, you can tell me "give up teaching or writing or translating and get at once a better-considered and better-paid, job such as a house cleaner or a waitress. Well, I tried: employers prefer experienced ones, and don't trust people with intellectual background and helplessly obvious spirituality....For example, I'm aware most of my students love having me as their teacher, but my salary can hardly afford me a room in a shared flat.... they love my classes, but they won't pay more for them... most of my books had been so successfull that they are now out of print... but the publishing companies forced me to take a rather modest sum in exchange for copy rights.... and sometimes -too often, honestly- I think that all this means I am not really as good or well-considered as I would like to believe....<br />
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By the way, translators and writers unable to appear on TV are treated and paid for worse than house cleaners in my Country, and that's the very reason why I'm considering the idea of translating my own things into English and try -God knows- to find an acceptable deal abroad.....

My psychiatrist told me years ago that none of us get what we deserve in life -- we get what we negotiate for. That doesn't help much when you are a helpless child, but now, you have to become your own advocate. Let go of the past and be right here, right now where you are appreciated and known to be worthy.

wow, well no one is worthless. we all deserve what ever we want from life and should ask for no less. sounds like you need to cut some ties and get far away. You deserve to be happy why keep your self tethered to such a brick of hatred and sadness? Join a support group, you can usually find one online, and actually go to meetings. There is help out there if you want it. You just have to take the first step. Good luck.