I Am Abused Mentally
He woke me up to continue "discussing" our marriage. In spite of my being asleep, he needed to know where he stood.
"I will be fine" he says "I can't take this anymore. We don't talk anymore. This is going to go very bad!"
I am the one who has known that and every time I rescind my decision it is because I fear for him. Interesting that when the shoe is on the other foot, he only puts it on halfway. He knows time is almost up, I still feel that the hammer cannot fall yet. There are matters that need addressing before that can happen....tick tock.....the 25th....
This morning, he is the soft guy again. Wanting to "fix" this, wanting to hold me, wanting to be gentle, needing love from me. He does not realise that I cannot, not anymore. I cannot pander to all his personalities and requirements when on a dime, he turns against me. I see again, the little boy, in need of comfort, that everything is going to be alright....but I cannot say it this time...I cannot make it okay...I can't, anymore.
Last night he reminded me of my duties as a wife, my financial obligations to the marriage....and then how hurt he is and how much I just don't know or understand him. That is the problem though, I do know and I do understand but I can't submit to the torture, the accusations, the disregard for how much I deny myself to fulfill him. It is not about what is fair or unfair......anymore.....for me anyway, I just want out and there is little I can do until the 25th and then.....we will see....tomorrow is promised to no one....
Another cycle has begun, the nice guy is back and I am not going to fall for it again.....too much has happened, too much is happening.......when will 'he' return......the other guy who treats me with so much contempt and so little regard....I hate him - he makes me doubt my sanity.........this has gone on for too long......
