Abusing My Wonderful Girlfriend

I have a story that I am ashamed to tell. It has been a long and devastating road, I have been abusive and aggressive to the people around me for a long time. There was never much stability and routine in my upbringing and economic conditions in the household were tough, my late father was also ill and these conditions caused alot of resent and rage inside of me that seemed to explode outwards at those close to me. Without warning I would erupt at the smallest of problems.

This issue has become more frequent and it is eroding the relationship that I share with my girlfriend and the mother of our son. I have the utmost respect and admiration for her. Unfortunately I have not shown it. Recently I had a episode that almost cost us our relationship, I exploded and I would hit myself as to strike fear into her at what I am 'capable' of, along with this I abused her emotionally for a about 10months on or off with the odd tantrum of self abuse in between. I swore at her for the first time in our relationship words that I never meant that anger drove towards her. I broker her heart and betrayed her trust. I am sad and ashamed. I am abusive.

I am going to counselling and am learning to cope with anger, I have emptied my 'pot' of anger that I was holding from child hood (this was a big contributor as the pot was often 3/4 full most of the time). I want to fill my life with the people that I love. I am sorry to all women out there who are in a situation like this, a "man" should never carry these actions out regardless. I am sorry, this situation has given me alot in terms of myself and I just want to make things right. I hope my story helps and if others out there feel the same please comment. I would not trade anything in this world for my partner and my son.
There is probably so much that I have left out too, anger clouds your judgment and it made me feel like a bull attacking the matador. I will answer any questions, I am not innocent, but I do comprehend what I did as being majorly wrong and absolutely silly.
workingatlife workingatlife
3 Responses Jan 12, 2013

I too, am abusive. I recently lost a relationship with probably the sweetest, most wonderful girl in my life due to my anger. I would frequently fight about the littlest of things, throw tantrums when I didn't get my way, and hold stupid grudges. I still love her a lot, but my emotions seem to be in control of me instead of the other way around. I am going through an oxitocin withdrawl and just want to live a happy life with my (ex) girlfriend. But that is now futile. I would also beat myself on my bones until they bruised, cut myself with a razor, or take high doses of melatonin or ibuprofin to keep her from leaving or make her pitty me. It was really cruel and I'm glad that she's no longer this abusive realtionship, even though I miss her, love her, and want to earn her love back.....

How do we work through it? Stop feeling emotions? I am an abusive girlfriend. You notice how easy it is to find help for the victims and how hard it is to find help at the root, the abuser?! Funny huh. I am trying to get into a counseling center right now for my rage and its been two hours and they haven't called me back. The stress and frustration of trying to get a call back let alone find a person you click with enough to help makes the process extremely difficult. I have been through the works of counseling when I was an adolescent and since then I have not been able to find help. I just hope I do not lose the drive to get the help I need. Is it even out there? It seems that all of the systems are screwed up. But what other options do we have? I am just kind of going on a rant here. Sorry lol. I guess all I really want to say is I understand your issues and I hope you can keep me updated on your progress... success stories would help me overcome these issues.

It's brave of you to admit that your past behaviour was wrong and to apologise for it. That has to be admired. I hope you continue to benefit from the help you've received and that you can successfully rebuild the relationships that have been damaged. I wish you well.

Thank you. I will sincerely do my best