Admitting Adderall Addiction

Seven months ago, I was telling a freind at work about my difficult school semester, how I was having a hard time staying on top of everything. She told me she took Adderall, a pill that helped her with focus and energy. She offered me a couple and the next day, I took one. I felt on top of the world. I was so focused, so much more patient and cheerful. The next day, I took the other and felt even more productive and was amazed and what an amazing mood I was in and how much I was getting done. I looked into prescriptions, but I couldn't afford them so I started taking my boyfriend's adderall. He'd been on it for over a year and I'd never given it any thought before, but after experiencing it for myself, would sneak a 10 mg little pill once or twice a week. I considered it to be a "just for when I'm really tired or have a really long day" thing. And then I started taking two a day, then three, then two every day, then three. Then it started getting harder for me to feel that rush of energy, and if I did take enough to get that energy, it wore off quickly. I found people I could buy it from so I'd have my own, but after a few months, instead of feeling productive and having a good day, I'd blow off work and school and just sit in my garage after taking a 30 mg of adderall, smoke cigarettes, and play on the computer. I knew I wasn't making good choices, and when the high went away, I'd feel really guilty and say after the next batch was over, I was done. And after it was all gone, I'd go three or four days being miserable, and just buy more and it would start all over again. And it went from 30 a day to 60 a day to 90 a day, until it got to the point where my life consisted of popping adderall, sitting in my garage drinking now and smoking, sometimes starting as early as noon, and I would stay up for two or three days, playing on the internet, popping adderall, smoking cigarettes. Before adderall, i had a lot of friends, went out with them, saw them every day, ran around with that point, I hadn't returned a phone call in months and just wanted to be left alone. The task of driving to the store for more cigarettes was something I considered "productive." The craving for beer and cigarettes was so strong; I stopped doing anything other than smoking, taking adderall, and drinking beer. I always told myself it was fine, I was fine, tomorrow I'd do something productive. After staying up for two or three days, I'd eventually crash, wake up a day later, and start the process all over again. Those feelings of guilt during sober moments were gone; there were no sober moments. If I woke up at two in the afternoon, I'd take adderall, go to my garage, smoke, drink, and play on the computer. At eight am the next morning, I was still drinking beer and smoking. I started to go through a thirty pack a day. Told myself I'd get it under control on Monday. My boyfriend and I broke up, my friends no longer tried to call me, I had gone from a 24 year old woman with goals, a social life, loving boyfriend, and good relationships, to a person who did nothing other than smoke, drink, and take pills. And as time went on, the dosages increased. Twenty mg every four hours, a thirty here and there. For two or three days. When I'd wake up, I'd feel so awful, just nearly unable to even walk and then once I popped an Adderall, I felt great again. And then yesterday, right in the middle of a regular day of popping adderall and smoking, I got a text message from one of my really good friends, who I had been blowing off for months. "I can't stand watching you fall. I don't know what's going on but you need to talk to someone. I miss you. We all miss you." I sat there, staring at the message, as a huge sob escaped my chest and I cried. And then there was a flood of text messages and voicemails (since I never answered the phone) of sixteen friends and family members, all saying they were there to support me through whatever was going on, and to please reach out. My adderall use had always been a huge secret; I was ashamed of it. And I sobbed as I read the messages and listened to the voice mails. I just sobbed. The original friend who had text messaged me first (I found out she had called and emailed everyone and encouraged them to show me support) was the only person I felt I could talk to. I called her, and the second she answered I just started sobbing. I told her everything. I told her how admitting it made it real and how I hadn't known happiness in months and that I was so scared I was never going to be happy again. I was so afraid the person I used to be was lost forever and I regretted so badly ever trying that first adderall. I never mant for this to happen and a year ago, had a seen myself the way I was at this point, I would have been furious with myself.  I was so ashamed, felt like SUCH a loser and still do. She set me up with a counselor she personally knows, who I will be seeing at nine today. Yesterday, I flushed every adderall I had down the toilet and deleted all contacts of people who I knew I could buy it from. I want me back; I want to be the same happy go lucky girl with jokes and humor and silliness. Goals and ambitions. I want to get back into college. I am so afraid I ruined that part of me during this entire hot mess but I have to try. The path continuing this behavior leads to is going to be nothing other than pain and misery, maybe even death. At this point, all I have are two choices: continue and fail, or stop and at least try. It doesn't seem possible to me to ever be happy again. When I'm not taking adderall, I don't have the motivation to even turn on the TV, much less write a blog or call a friend and I know what I'm looking at here and I'm terrified I'm going to fail. But I've made the commitment and as of 6:25 am on this Wednesday, I am starting day one of recovery from adderall.
lynnekay11 lynnekay11
6 Responses Sep 7, 2011

melatonin, 5htp, raw bee pollen (aminos/minerals etc), high quality juices, exercise, you might even try Naltrexone (mediates dopamine in some). As I was cycling into my addiction I was naive to the fact that greater periods of sobriety were almost always followed by intense relapses. Its been a saga of struggle and pleasure/ I empathize/ be kind to yourself as you journey/ if you are blessed something deeper in your soul will lift you through - don't lose faith! FYI there are too many doctors prescribing preposterous amounts of this stuff. A psychiatrist with experience in amphetamines will rarely prescribe more than 2 to 3 mg a day. Most of us can walk into any appointment and leave with a gram of Adderrall for the month!

Thank you for posting. I was just prescribed Aderrall 10 mg 2 days ago. I am supposed to take it for 7 days than increase to 20 mg thereafter. So far, I don't really notice any thing except that I feel a little more lethargic and having more difficulty sleeping. I was prescribed as a way to help with ADD. I will remember your experience in case so hopefully same doesn't happen to me.

I wish you could tell my 16 year old daughter your story. Its bad. she has been in rehab but came out doing it first week.

've been clean 6 wks now from adderall was prescribed 30mg 2x daily ... those doses for me turned into triple the amount on Feb 26th I ran out of meds.. Thought what was I too do it was to early for my doctors visti... That nite I prayed God would make away for me to get off those pills and let me enjoy my three beautiful children I have to raise I went that Monday morning to the doctor only to find the doc had retired.. I havent had one since... not been easy however I enjoy lfe better now than ever

Adderal is a slow painful death. IT RUINED MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good for you! I have been dealing with the same thing...and it sounds like you have a very tuned-in, supportive network of friends. That is outstanding! LISTEN TO THOSE WHO LOVE YOU.<br />
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Seven months seems like a long time but for a colleged-age person you should be able to recover fine, even if you have been abusing reguarly and heavily. <br />
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I am not a doctor,and this should not be taken as medical advice. But I can offer you advice from experience, observation and research. It may take days, honestly even a few weeks to get back o "normal" ...but you WILL. Typically hormones rebalance first, then routine and attitude follow suit.<br />
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HANG IN THERE. Do this while you still have a network of friends who care- you value these people, that's why you felt guilty,<br />
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Best to you. God bless.