Satan Pills

My jaws aching, head blaring and my body's so weak. The only reason i can muster up writing this is because I took another 15mg xr booster about an hour ago. All I want is to sleep. I have found myself in this same situation countless times over the past year and every time I say itll be the last. I'm a 20 year old; handsome, charming, intelligent man and I'm an adderall addict. 

My journey with adderall started over a year ago when my little brother was prescribed to it. One day he came out and offered me a little orange capsule. I always thought I had ADHD and decided to test my luck with this curious orange pill. When it hit I felt nothing other then a sense finally being complete, the void I had been trying to fill with women, weed and alcohol had been filled in perfectly. It was as if that's what I've been looking for my whole life. I started taking it daily, due to my brother giving me them out of hatred for how they made him feel. My life almost seemed picture perfect for the first few months.  I was doing great at my job, got a 3.9 in my first college quarter and my relationships were wonderful. It had instilled me with motivation, confidence and seemed to unlock all my potential intelligence. My brothers scripts had soon ran out and I was forced to get my own. 


Over the course of the next couple months I had became an expert on all dextroamphetemine based ADHD medication. I had found a psychiatrist that was so impressed by my knowledge of the medications that he let me play around with what I wanted to try.  To date I've done vyvanse, Dexedrine IR, Dexedrine XR, adderall IR and currently adderall XR. The trouble started when I was prescribed 60mg vyvanse and 15mg Dexedrine for a booster. The abuse peaked when i would go through the vyvanse in a week and would snort through my 90, 5mg, Dexedrine in less then two weeks. I could tolerate over 200mg of vyvanse a day. I no longer enjoyed life, I slept only 16 hours a week. There were plenty of times I found myself hallucaniting due to sleep deprivation. My girlfriend got distant because of the intense comedowns, which would result in me crying uncontrollably on her shoulder for no reason in particular. I spent my time playing the victim card, when she stopped buying it, I furiously dumped her. My family was afraid of me. I'd have ferocious fits of rage which would result in yelling and breaking things. Never for good reason. 

I switched over to adderall after two months of vyvanse and dexedrine. My tolerance was too high to find any real use in them.  I was prescribed 75mg a day of adderall XR.  I escalated my use and in the course of a month my family and friends could no longer deal with me.  I was taking upwards to a 150mg a day of adderall XR. I no longer showered, I slept 12 hours a week and I had lost over 20 pounds. Now I didn't just act like a tweeker, but I looked the part too.  My personality was non existing, I was a robot. I did adderall throughout the day, I learned to combat the grogginess of waking up after inadquete sleep by taking adderall right before I passed out. I would wake up buzzed. Everything came to a halt when my mother intervened and talked to my psychiatrist. She forced me off by threatening any freedom I had. I have spent the last month and a half sleeping 18 hours a day and eating 5000 calories or more. My life is getting back on track, except for the fact that I filled one of my old prescriptions yesterday.  I wrote this out as a reminder of the hell that pill brought me and after writing all of this; I'm flushing them down the toliet. Thanks for reading.