It Gave Me Everything I Ever Wanted and then Destroyed it all Right In front of the Soulless Person it had Created.

I'm a 24 year old guy and.I had never done any kind of drug until I was 23, I do drink occasionally. I was in college and was an average student, but I wanted to get A's and have professors applaud work. Also, my girlfriend broke up with me and it hit me like a a million tons of bricks. I was depressed, tired, lonely, anti-social, and angry. My friend saw my emotional state and introduced me to oxy. I liked it well enough, I can certainly understand how easily someone can get addicted to it, but I only did it a few times because I didn't want to get addicted and I"m lucky I didn't. I then told a co-worker of mine about trying the oxy and he told me how much he hates it, that it has taken three of his friends away forever and it really hit home with me. However, this same person who hates oxy gave me a 20mg IR adderall that his brother (who is prescribed) gave him and said that it would make me feel good and energetic. The real kicker is that he told me that it's not addicting at all (I had no idea but he was addicted to adderall) and there are no withdrawal symptoms.

After a few days I took it and drove to school. The amazing first time with adderall hit me so suddenly and unexpectedly, I couldn't believe how strong the pill was and how great I felt physically, mentally, and emotionally. I had no idea about tolerance or anything and from what I had been told it wasn't addictive. So I started buying them for about a month at $5 a piece until I decided it would be a great idea to get my own script, and that's just what I did and it was the biggest mistake I have ever made.

Naturally, the original dose of 20mg wasn't cutting it anymore so I increased the dosage to 30mg and thought to myself that I found the right dosage for me. Without realizing it or even caring in the slightest I kept increasing the dose to feel the desired effects. I'd go up 10mg here, 20mg there, etc. It's disturbing and embarrassing to look back and see the escalation, the warning signs, and the bad side effects that I just ignored. I eventually ended up taking 180mg until I finally made the decision to quit. I've wanted to quit for a long time, but each day that script was ready to be filled there I was to get it filled. I kept saying to myself that I can take only the two pills a day, I can start to use it responsibly...NOT. For some reason, if that bottle of pills near I just take them, even if I don't want to I always rationalize a reason to take them. For example, I was twacked out on 160 mg of adderall (a failed attempt to taper down) and isolated myself in my room (any little thing that doesn't fit the adderall day is an annoyance, even going to the bathroom). I needed to buy some cat litter at the store and really didn't want to go, however, I told myself if I make the arduous 5 minute drive down that I can have another adderall and I did. It feels more like the adderall is telling you to take more rather than you actually wanting to take more.

Then there were nights where I would lay in bed all night with my eyes open or I would just stay up on the computer all night, wishing for sleep that wouldn't come. T would intend to do homework but would waste all my time surfing the internet or reading fantasy novels that I would miss the deadline. Personally, I think amphetamines are the most addictive drug in the world; I was addicted the first time I ever took one. The tolerance builds so quickly and I would fear the crash so much that I would take another. I even experienced the dreaded amphetamine psychosis; I felt that no one wanted me around, everyone was talking behind my back, I felt worthless if the pills weren't working. I had never attempted suicide before adderall but I was convinced that it was the only way out and that it's what everybody wanted. So, I took 60mg of oxy, a couple xanax, 3 ambien, and washed it down with a couple shots of whiskey. Luckily (although I didn't feel that way at the time) I woke up the next day at around 3 p.m. I never thought that my adderall abuse was causing any of these depressing and frightening thoughts.

I didn't see any of my family for two months, when friends came over or wanted to hang out I was always in my room and would make up an excuse to not leave my room. I rarely went outside because I felt so unproductive and began to be extremely aware that people would see my huge black pupils and turn me in. For food I drank 1 protein drink a day, drank water, and took vitamin and mineral supplements for 2 weeks and that was it for nourishment. No wonder my body and mind felt awful.

I hope this is my final attempt to quit and can keep away from the devil in a pill. Eating right, getting a good amount of sleep, being outside and getting some sun, going to family activities and hanging out with friends are all much more beneficial to my overall well-being than adderall ever was. Looking back on that time now I can't believe how alone I was because I was fooled by a drug. I hope this didn't bore any of you too much and wish all of you the best of luck in keeping adderall out of your lives. If you've never tried it, DON'T!!! It will completely take you over before you can even blink.
u0474573 u0474573
22-25, M
3 Responses May 14, 2012

I was nearly in tears reading all you went through. I too thought adderall was a miracle drug but it has ruined my life. All you have experienced i have too.

Boy oh boy..Ive Been taking 20XR everyday before work for about a year now. Instead of taking larger doses I drink caffeine and skip meals. Being a good actor, I convinced my doctor that i have ADHD. similar to the original post, my friend let me try his script. At first first we'd take it and play video games, and then i tried it at work..................Before adderal in 2011 i made 20k, and in 2012 i x5 it, and brought home 119k... Im completely different then i use to be. I have no friends.. I'm not happy... And I feel like an empty, paranoid, weird *** mother focker. I'm in the best shape of my life but still feel unattractive & unable to tear myself away from the comfort of work. some other issues: Dillusional, angry, snappy one second,and then one good sale and I'm the nicest, funniest, energetic person on the planet. I'm a single 25 yr old dood and my family pretty much doesn't even know what to say. Zero to sixty...I think the cars about to crash.. I can't figure out what makes me happy. I don't know myself anymore, as he mentioned, " empty shell of a human" even tho everyone thinks I'm happy.. Well besides for the radical mood swings and explosive anger issues ( for no reason ) quitting looks like the only option. I wanna make 500k this year, move to Hawaii & become a beach bum.. But I might not last. I guess my message is.... Figure out what really makes you happy & write it down. Cause aderal will steal it away. QQ

I can completely relate to the feeling of uselessness while on adderall because I was prescribed medication for ADHD when I was 10 or 11 years old. I hated it because some of the meds they gave me made me tired and I couldn't even stay awake for my own 12th birthday. I don't remember much about taking ADHD medication when I was that young only that I fell asleep on the couch and missed my own birthday. When I was 14 or 15 I think that's when I started to just stay awake and not sleep. I didn't know that my decision to stay up would later effect my addiction and my own mother's addiction as well. One night I stayed up doing girly stuff (I don't really remember) and I saw my mom across the hall and she asked me why I was still awake and that's when I told her that I had taken one of my meds to just stay up. She and I started to stay awake together given the fact that we were both prescribed the same medication and dosages. 30MG Adderall taken in the morning and one 30MG amphetamines at 4pm. At first I think we just took them whenever we started feeling tired. I was still in school and was already struggling to make attendance and keep my grades up. I think a year later I talked my mom into letting me stay home for 9th grade to be home schooled by my mom. She agreed and that's when my chance at a good education went down the drain. A year passed with no school work done at all and just sitting around the house high on adderall. I had decided to try to go back to high school and finish 9th grade. I was a year behind all my class mates and so I was with students I had never met before (unless they rode my bus) I hated school so much that most of the time I wouldn't even go unless I were high or on adderall. I just couldn't do it. I ended up going to Juvenile detention for a night for missing so much school and that was in middle school. I wound up dropping out after trying to go to an alternative school. I could not motivate myself without adderall and just gave up. It was so hard to go to school and if I had known now what I didn't back then I would have tried to seek help. So now I'm still struggling with adderall addiction and have been cut off by my doctor for not passing a drug test. I had been **** tested randomly and failed because I didn't have adderall in my system (because I had taken it within one week instead of a month) I had had opiates and marijuana in my system instead and they cut me off right their. I know it was for the best and was sort of relieved but my mom still payed for her's every month. So I started asking her for some and she unwillingly agreed. Did I mention that we didn't exactly get our sc<x>ript on the same day? Well we didn't so we would share month to month going through them faster and faster. I would sleep for a week or so then get my meds and stay up for about a week. It was an endless cycle that I couldn't escape from. I gave my pills away to my friends so they would be high with me and I sold them for cigarette money or weed money thinking it would help me with the come down. It never did help though. And so I'm still struggling with this horrible addiction. It does no good to take them and yet I still do. My mother is worse off than I am though and our relationship has lost a lot of trust. We became what a daughter and a mother should never become. Drug buddies. I ask those who see this and read it to not make the mistakes that I have made but to learn from my story and pray for my mother and myself. I know we both need it desperately. Neither of us can afford rehab and I'm the only person in my house with a job. I just recently started working and I crack under the pressure all the time. I've been to mental hospitals (medicaid pays for it) so many times I've lost count because I've tried to commit suicide. I was 12 the first time I was admitted into a mental hospital for cutting myself. I still struggle with suicidal thoughts even without adderall. Adderall is a demon that sucks your life away and leaves and empty vessel. You can recover from it but it takes years and still you will think of it every day. Please pray for my mother.

Thanks for sharing part of your story with me. I will keep you and your mother in my prayers. I know that you can both beat this awful addiction. This web site has been an amazing tool for me because I now know I'm not alone in my addiction to adderall.

I haven't had an adderall since I first posted and it has been no easy task to not take them. Everything I do I always think to myself "think how much better you could do this if you were on adderall", but somehow I've been able to stay away. I'm still having extreme difficulty experiencing any pleasure or excitement like I did before adderall, and the depression has been pretty difficult, not to mention how tired and worn out I feel all the time. These withdrawal symptoms are difficult to deal with but I know that I can get through them. Hopefully I've said goodbye to amphetamines for good.

My heart goes out to you and all of the pain you have had to endure.