Bittersweet Haze With The Devil

Hello, I am 17 years old and a girl, in her senior year at high school. My relationship with Adderall has been a Bittersweet haze. My diagnosis is unclear, doctors are not sure whether I have Bipolar and ADHD.
I remember the first time I walked into my first doctor’s office who prescribed me this drug. It was freshmen year in highs school, I was thinking great another doctor who is not going to help me. Apparently my actions showed that I could have ADHD, so she talked extensively with my mother about this medication, well known Adderall. I was having horrible time with my studies and my focus. I could not sit through class without thinking what’s the point? I’m bored. I can’t focus to this teacher or this paper for history. At the end of the appointment she prescribed me 30mg of Adderall XR. I left the appointment thinking, great another medication trying to fix me.
The first time I took it I had a remarkable outcome. It was great! I could concentrate! Enjoy working on homework! Loving learning and school! My grades immediately shot through the roof. I was juggling sports, friends and school all at the same time. I could complete every task I set my mind to. I continue the same medication dosage all the way through Junior year. I walked and in hand with devil, between freshman year and junior year. Sophmore year I came home with a new prescription for 5mg of antihistamine, since it was getting difficult to focus on my studies after school. Once again my parents were thrilled I had fabulous results. Only if it stayed that way
That one night where I should have never made the deal with the devil as I am staring at the prescription bottle of 5mg of Adderall, sitting on a shelf while my parents were in the living room. During that time the 5mg of was not cutting it for me anymore, my concentration was slipping. I knew that people abused Adderall, but what would be the big deal if I took 10mg instead of 5mg to get my homework done? So I swallowed those two little blue pills. This became a habit through sophomore, going into Junior year. This is where the lies blossomed/…
I would lie and tell my parents I would not need the Adderall after school for a few days, pretend to take it, stalk up and take 20mg. During SAT prep in Junior year, my doctor prescribed me 30mg of immediate release to help me focus. I remember, sitting there in a room full of eager students to learn. I took the 30mg before the class so I would focus and my mom agreed. I remember sitting there, feeling like a million bucks. My heart was racing, I felt trembled; full of exciting energy. I drank in the worlds of the SAT prep teacher like it was the most important class of my life. I made my friend walk around the track of the high school when the class was on break because I felt like I could fly. Nobody understood, I felt so social, so happy with everything. I wanted to do everything, find something exciting to do. I felt invisible. That feeling did not last obviously, the walk home after SAT prep was a blast, I loved my heart racing and talking with my bestirred, I loved the gorgeous blue sky, I loved life! I remember when I started to crash after it, we were sitting and talking and I felt myself fading. It was terrible, I felt tired, my body ached. I felt no motivation, all I wanted to do as curl up in bed. I hated life, I felt depressed.
That was my first experience with the high the devil gave me, and after that I walked hand in hand with the devil since then. The first semester of my Junior year I was made it to High Honors!, my parents were so proud of me, I was so proud of myself. The immediate release Adderall was wonderful but it was destroying me. It did not cross my mind once all the lies I told and this secret addiction I was hiding from everyone. Then the devil showed me Adderall XR and the magic it could show me.
One night I was crying about a “life crisis”, it was a few weeks into Junior year. I was losing friends, my emotions were all over the place and my parents did not understand, my grades were beginning to tank for some reason. Back then I did not know about the Adderall Tolerance. Apparently my doctor thought my body metabolized medications extremely fast. I wanted anything to make me feel alive, anything to make me able to work on my studies and feel better. That is when I thought of the “sweet-innocent” orange capsules with the pretty beads resting inside the prescription bottle on the shelf. I don’t remember where my parents were, but I remember that moment of looking down at my palm at three of those “life saver” pills. After I took them I was up all night, I finished all of my homework, caught up the rest of my work for school, cleaned my room, talked to about four friends on the phone, I wanted to go to the upcoming rave so badly. I remember sitting on my bed with my laptop, full of excitement and euphoria looking up my favorite quotes online, printing them out. After I printed them out I wrote them in my journal. Even though I was alone, all night I was in my own little bubble where nothing could hurt me, I was enjoying everything I was doing, all my worries were gone, I just wrote and wrote happily.
I knew in school people sold Adderall, but I never knew anyone who used it as speed. The next morning I was not expecting the crash. I felt like a robot, my mind felt dead. I was easily irritated now in the real world. I was so tired, I just wanted to sleep. I felt like my life was over, everything was not going my way. I did not feel like being around my friends who I used to be with instead I wanted to be isolated. All day I was on the verge of tears, everything was so hard to do and stressful. I skipped the next two days of school. I told my mom and dad I was “sick”, when really I felt terribly depressed and alone so I slept for two days. Although this crash was unbearable, it did not stop me from abusing Adderall over and over again.
I started to tell my parents I did not need the Adderall, so I could stash them up and take them to get high. Soon I was taking 150mg and going to parties or gathering feeling ontop of the world again, I talked with new friends, flirted with different boys, soon, I had a great social life. I even popped Adderall in the bathroom before school. Adults saw me as responsible, excellent grades, my doctor was happy and kept on writing me “that” prescription, I would even watch her write it out. The crashing off of it, when I walked hand and hand with depression I realized I could not do sports. I would lay in bed for hours staring at the wall, listing to depressing music. I would isolate myself from, new events that were coming up, and my best friends who cared about me.
Second semester started in Junior year hit me hard. I would go to parties, and raves, do homework, lie to my parents almost every night. It seemed my attraction to boys were enhanced on this new miracle drug, I was soon acting impulsively with them. I would spend time, talking and talking and talking with friends, understanding them. Taking more drugs with Adderall, that one night I took cocaine at a rave.
Even though in the second semester of Junior year I was up to 200mg of Adderall at a time, my grades were sinking fast. Because the Adderall was making me feel so great, I did not need to do work but I wanted to socialize, to exciting things, wake up with arms around me some mornings after a party or gathering when I took a lot of Adderall. Gosh knows what drugs were in my system. My parents began to realize something was up, they could see my mood changed, one night ecstatic about a television show, then to where they could not get me out of bed. Soon, instead of walking hand in hand with the Adderall, I was falling apart as I walked with the afterlife or the crash. I would spend days after my dose I took, feeling like I had no friends, did not do any homework, heartbroken over a recent break up. I remember I just wanted darkness, I wanted my parents, teachers and friends to leave me alone. I felt guilty for all the times I woke up in someone’s different arms, with drugs around me after another wild night that barley remembered. I lost, one of my best friend’s forever, I had to deal with seeing my ex every day, deal with teachers calling me in to talk about my grade average dropping.
Soon, I was just using the Adderall at nighttime, it was my escape from the hell I created. I would live at nighttime, dreaming great things and living a nightmare at school. My emotions were a rollercoaster. Friends were dropping like flies, I stopped going to the different events because I could not get myself out of bed. The Adderall crash made me feel like I was hopeless and everything was too stressful.
When school got let out, I started using Adderall almost every day, I barley slept my nights in my own home instead I was getting drunk with a new bestirred I made halfway through the year, or getting extremely high to the point where I did not remember her name. I was desperate to keep on being prescribed Adderall during the summer, so I faked symptoms to my doctor to get my Adderall, Speed. One day I woke up not knowing where I was, having a horrible head ace feeling depressed, instead of figuring out where I was, I just took hit after hit from the bong until I was numb enough to forget about my complications with Adderall. My parents were pushing for drug tests, I was terrified, not sure if the screening would show the high amount of Adderall. Soon my dosage was 300mg, and 150 of immediate release nightly. And crash in the morning. Depression and Euphoria was my life. Until one day I crashed so badly I tried to take my life which landed me in the hospital for 39 days.
I told nobody about my Speed/Adderall problem. It was my secret and I was terrified to let go of the bittersweet hand that lead me there.
When I was released I thought I would be clean, It would be a fresh start.
It did not last long, right away my doctor prescribed me 30mg of Adderall XR again, this time I hated my doctor but the greed and addiction inside of me loved watching the pen write across the prescription pad, writing my addiction, feeding it.
At this point I knew that when I took the high dosages of Adderall at nighttime to get high I would crash in the morning, make my bipolar episodes worse which I did during the summer, I knew something was wrong.
Now this leads back to today, where I recently and since freshman year I have been prescribed this horrible drug that has ruined a huge relationship that made me overdose on pills to take my own life, relationships with my parents, ruined me. My friend that I made half way through my junior year knows about this, but not my addiction, not that I have become an addict, that friend has become my best friend, my person. I am so ashamed of me using Adderall this fall, but like addiction you always take its hand and walk hand in hand once more.
I am writing my story because only two people know about my addiction, and one of them has made me realize that I am an addict. My parents still have no idea, as I am on the borderline of becoming an Adult. Extremely recently I have lied once more and took 400mg of Adderall XR. The one of the two people who I know, this person is a very good friend and caring, said how they don’t want to see me fall apart and destroy everything, they explained how really messed up I have gotten all because of those orange pills. It hurt to hear it, but it made me realize I am an addict. I need to stop using Adderall as Speed, to make me feel better, or get ready to go somewhere or deal with a difficult situation in life.
in AA, where they say “one day at a time/” That is how I am going to approach my recovery. Is stepping one day at a time, with the help of my friend. I’m starting out with ten days of sobriety to begin with and from there on never use Adderall again, because it really is the devil and set’s your world on fire.
So Adderall and hardcore drugs are not all cracked up as they seem to be, as friends talk to you, you watch at parties and see in television. It look’s innocent, smiles and holds your hand, but in the end Adderall is leading you to your own moral destruction, and Adderall knows as it walks with you all the damage it has created for you and your external environment When you come to the end of the path with Adderall, the devil, you realize the devil has brought you to your worst nightmare, hell.
I am seventeen year old, in my senior year, just another person walking down the street and I am an addict, I cannot change that but I can change the devil’s addiction.
I’m dedicating this to all the people I have hurt on Adderall and most importantly, my friend that I trust and is helping me to my recovery. Listing to me even when I was on Adderall, understanding my pain, talking me out of hurting myself, and realizing I had a problem. This person is taking my hand and helping me take the first step.
“They just said it would be worth it, they never said it would be easy”

tumblingls tumblingls
2 Responses Nov 16, 2012

thank you for your post. you really opened my eyes to a lot of things..

Oh my gosh I can relate to you so much!!! I have been doing the same exact thing, adderal seriously does ruin your life it.completely takes over you. Like you said it is the devil! Straight up. Its made me so depressed and everything. I hate adderal but yet I love those orange pills ha!

No it does not! You ppl are misleading..adderall didn't ruin your life, u did.. irresponsible teenage brats as usual...