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Hopeless?

First experienced adderall when i was 14. First 5 hours were great, but i totally overdid it and had some sort of episode the rest of the night where i couldn't breathe right, speak, move, sleep. I was convinced i was dying.
Didn't have my second encounter until i was 16. I then went on 3-5 day adderall binges a couple times a month for one summer. Had another big scare, worse than the first.
Lost my connection. Was off it completely until about 9 months ago. I am now 20 and have been abusing my prescription daily, with the exception of 10-15 days a month when i run out.
I only decided to get a prescription because i have been battling bulimia for 7 years & adderall is the only thing that makes me completely forget about my disorder.
I started with 15-20 mg a day and the euphoria and motivation was great, 9 months later and i sublingually, orally, sometimes snort 50-100 mg a day. Mostly orally though. Usually i will take 40-60 at once, then an hour or so later 20-30 more then maybe 5-20 more 2 hours after that.
I seem to crash 2-3 hours after taking the pill, depending on the day. & once it wears off even a little, no amount more will make me feel better.
The amazing effects it used to have are long gone. The only time i get even a hint of euphoria is when i have been off of it for a week or so & take 60 mg after i get the refill. But even that is short lived. After that, i keep telling myself i will skip some days here & there, but i wake up in the morning and decide to take it anyways. Then get angry when it gives me no effects. The only thing i enjoy is the loss of appetite. When it wears off i become very irritated by everything, my thoughts make no sense, i'll procrastinate for hours, blurred vision, extremely indecisive. Like i will one second get semi excited and decide i am going to clean my room, then 5 seconds later i am angry and the last thing in the world i want to do is clean. This repeats with different scenarios all day/evening. It's like this battle with myself in my head constantly. One second i will be semi content, then ridiculously annoyed, then sad, then extremely hyper and looney, then sad, so on. Then once that wears off, it is usually 11pm (Mind you i take my pills usually early, 10am or noon) And then i am just not tired, but my eyes are heavy. Either i lay in bed until i pass out at 3 or so, or i take sleeping pills. I was drinking VERY heavily a month ago to help me sleep, but it was getting out of control so i have limited that to weekends. I smoke some weed to help the crash, but lately it has been causing my anxiety to go through the roof. It's weird because a week or so ago smoking a hit or 3 of weed during my crash really just mellowed me out and i could watch TV for the first time in months and just relax and sit down and enjoy the show. But this week i smoked a few hits and i was having bad anxiety, couldn't focus on the show, i was thinking very weird thoughts. I'd start thinking about how badly my body reacted to the amounts of adderall i took in the past, then it was like another person in my mind was saying i was stupid and now i am going to have a heart attack (weird, i know) then i was just trying to make the thoughts shut up, didn't work. I felt like a complete basketcase.
Lately i have had weird side effects to the adderall. I have always had palpitations and such, but only during the crash. Now i am experiencing blurred vision, purple/white or red hands/arms/legs, lower back pain, lower abdominal pain, extremely cold, memory loss and forgetting simple words, zombie like state where i could just stare for hours with a hollow head and blank, lifeless eyes.
I am scared that i am doing some serious damage to myself. I always just tell myself "Of it's just your anxiety acting up" because i do experience panic/anxiety attacks even just with weed, but i obviously am dancing with the devil. I have never gotten my heart checked out after my other scares, so it is all a mystery to me whether my heart/body is healthy or not. And with my past drug/eating disorder abuse, i would vote probably not.
I tell myself i will quit every month. I finish my skript, go the first few days binging and purging and being lazy and fat, then i start to feel a bit better and don't think i need the pills. Then it comes time for my new prescription to be filled and i completely forget why i wanted to quit.
Searchingsoul9 Searchingsoul9 18-21, F 4 Responses Nov 29, 2012

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I'm going to write a post about my story on this topic soon, but feel like I should address your heart worries, because I've been there (still am, in all honesty). I was having heart palpitations and kept feeling an "electric shock" under my sternum last month and ended up driving myself to the ER, but I was so short of breath that I had to pull over and let my girlfriend drive me the rest of the way. They measured my heart rate, took two X-rays of my chest, and said I had internal chest pains, gave me a script for a strong Anti-Inflammatory and told me how crazy I sounded that I thought I had heart problems at 20. I never felt more like a crack addict in my life. I did tell them I was taking Adderall, but left out the part about me being married to her.

What exactly does internal chest pains mean? And i too get that electric shock feeling quite often. It's scary for sure, but i've always somehow talked myself down and wouldn't go to the hospital out of pure stubbornness

And that is totally insane. The government and all of the medical companies are the psychotic ones. They know just how bad all this **** is for us. They just get to make a fortune off of us, so they don't really care what happens. Out of sight out of mind. Very sad indeed

From what they told me (and it wasn't much) internal chest pain occurs on the inner wall of the chest behind the ribs...Yeah, I don't know, sounds like a load to me but I'm still alive so I guess it wasn't anything serious. We were learning about the circulatory system in bio at the time and I probably just got myself worked up

I found this site yesterday, I am overwhelmed by all these stories. I was addicted to adderall for 5 straight years. 10 months sober now. I feel bad for every single one you, I was in your shoes not long ago. I really know how you feel, you feel like if i dont stop i will die, if i continue i will die.

Exactly. I don't want to ruin my health. Not only my physical, but my emotional as well. I hate that this drug defines me. I feel like without it i am useless, but in reality i am useless now on it. More useless than i would be without. I can't even use it for school because it's good effects last barely 3 hours, and after that i am worse off than i was without it. Total zombie. Forgetting simple words, feeling brain-dead. My skins gotten very dry and i'm cold all the time. I haven't gone for a jog or even speed walked in over a year because my heart rate goes crazy even if i bend down and stand up too quickly. I am only 20 and my body always aches, my bones/knees crack. I have polluted myself with this poison and many others my entire life. I just want to live a "normal" healthy, fulfilling life. And be able to face my emotions/fears head on, without escaping with the help of drugs/alcohol

I just read this and decided to join this website! I know just how you feel about this and I can't even put into words how i feel about my entire experience with adderall. im so glad i found this group! im expecting to start to write down my history with it soon.... it's so horrible how it starts off so small as this fun little happy colored pill that make you giddy and skinny for a little while, and then before you know it you're taking 200mg and staying up for days, feeling miserable the whole time. but no matter what horrible experiences i have with it I'm always looking for a new way to bring my tolerance back down, or promising that im going to take a break, or trying to accept that i'll never get the same rush. no matter what i always take it again just hoping to get even a little something!

Please do share your story, i love hearing how other people get by day to day with this addiction. I'm glad you found this site. It's nice not having to deal with this alone. Yeah, i too try to find ways to lower my tolerance. I've tried to skip a day and then take it, skip, take...but i cant seem to skip days. And skipping one never helped much. Even when i go a week or more without it, after i take it again my tolerence is back up right after the second day back on it. I have tried taking it every way possible besides shooting up, which i wont ever do. Snorting i wont do again either. I honestly felt no difference between the ways it's taken now. It's barely noticeable either way :-/
I take magnesium, but what do i expect? It'll take a lot to lower my tolerance.
I'm so scared that it will lose it's ability to suppress my appetite.
I know exactly what you mean from what you wrote. I just get so discouraged when i think about how on top of the world i felt just 6 months ago. Message me if you want to chat.

You run in circles and battle yourself daily... jus like me... its weird. because you said that i remind you of yourself and you remind me of me in a sense... its also weird tho because my best friend is addicted to addys an meth... i take roxis (oxycodone) and smoke/snort heroin. The 3 of us would get along very well... but if it makes you feel any better ive had alot of issues with the pills i take take too because i take like 80 to 90mg a day and i cant stop. i havent even had one day of having less then 35mg in system in 8months and today is the first...well jk i have about 30mg for later tonight wen im off work... but tomorrow will be the first day i wont have a pill and this hasnt ever happend to me... i dont run out... and even right now i already did a line and im about to go smoke some more but its not going to help because i need the ******* pills and im about to have a mental breakdown.. literally. idk what to do i have absolutely no money my car is on E and i have no money to put in for gas and i also cant even buy cigarettes. i smoke a pack a day and i only have 2 left! i dont think i can handle this and it wont end well for me... i hope you are feeling better then me do i really really do

We are kindred lost spirits. I'm sorry you're having such a rough day. I know how hard it is so run out of cigs when you are already having a ****** up day, it's like at least the cigs will pass the thoughts/time, and without them it is 10 times harder. I usually have to deal with a good week or more when i run out of my skript, and it's a chore just to get out of bed and get dressed. That's why i wanted to skip a day today, if i dont skip i will run out way faster. But i am going to take some soon, just so i can get this project done that's due tomorrow. Do you get paid soon? Can you last on e for a bit? I always seem to run out of money when i need gas too, but luckily i get my paycheck weekly so i make it last somehow. Try to stay calm, borrow 5 or 10 bucks from a friend? And just make it through today, that's all you can do. I'm here if you need to talk.

Right?? i know exactly what you mean... everynight that i go to bed high i tell myself.. okay so tomorrow you can only take 45mg once today and then the second the alarm goes off and i open my eyes then i reach for my pill bottle on the side of my bed, pop a couple pills, pick up my phone and call my bestie to wake her up so she can take her addy and do a hot rail before its time to go to work... its a nasty cycle cus we have a routine and i like it... but no. i dont get paid soon i have to wait until december 7th! and i did get lucky tho my friend bought me a pack of cigs and said i didnt have to pay him back and he also gave me $30 which helped because i got 15 5mg vikes for $10 which is a very good deal but i can only take up to 7 a day because of the aceteminophene in them. so i guess it helps cus i still get to be high and this way im forced to stretch out my supply... thank you tho for even saying that you'll be there if i need to talk... i usually dont go to ppl when i have problems because im so used to being ignored... like im never ignored because everyone loves me but its a long story and ill tell you about it sometime. lol how are you doin today?

Yeah, i love routines. My routine is somewhat the same. I try to avoid taking it too early in the day because then i will just be crashing the majority of the day. Sucks. Does the addie still effect your friend?
And i'm not just saying it to be saying it, i really am willing to listen to you vent anytime you need it. I'm just so happy to be able to relate with someone. None of my friends know what i'm doing, and if they did they would just have a snobby comment. And i certainly don't want to risk telling any family and chance having my skript taken away. My day is not so bad. Schools was good. But now i am in crash mode and all i wanna do is take more, but ive had 90 already and once i crash no matter how much more i take, it won't bring me back up at all. So i am just drinking some wine and hoping i relax a bit. I absolutely hate being restless at home with nothing to do

its a mutual feeling, i mean my one friend does the same thing... jus a different drug. its funny we are so much alike but we are like polar oppisite when it comes to drugs. downers to uppers. but it works, but shes the only one who understands so im happy to have someone else i can relate to too. it does help sometimes jus to talk to someone. do any of your friends do drugs? like even jus smoke weed? too bad we didnt live in the same town or even state we could chill and get ****** up together then we would never have to be bored at home with nothing to do but get stuck in our head

I used to do drugs with some old friends, but they stopped and i kept doing it. So, i just keep to myself about for the most part

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