My Growing Adderall Addiction

As an 18 year old the summer before my first college semester, I took myself to a neurologist for an ADHD test. The purpose of the test for me was really to get my hands on a bottle of adderall, though I had never before tried it. I wanted to turn over a new leaf in college, I wanted to do well, I wanted to be smart, I wanted to lose weight.
I was diagnosed with ADHD and monthly prescribed 20 mg daily, however my neurologist gave me 90 20 mg pills for what's supposed to be my monthly supply. He told me "The bottle will say to take it 3x a day, don't do that, that's the maximum dose. Just take the 20 mg like I told you and call the office about a week before you'll need your prescription refilled."
I took 20 mg for my first few weeks of college. I lost weight. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't tired. I spoke articulately. Over the course of those weeks, the 20 mg began to wear off more and more quickly... So I began taking 25 mg. Which increased over time to 30. Sometimes 40.
The effects of the adderall have brought on an obsession with my weight/appearance in terms of size. I guess it's anorexia but I don't want to diagnose myself.
For the past week or so I've been experiencing discomfort in my stomach/gallbladder which is presumably an ulcer developing... Which all goes back to the adderall. My not eating could have caused my stomach acid to eat through the lining of my stomach... I'm so afraid to go to the hospital (I'm going to nonetheless) but I just cannot bear the thought of doctors taking away my prescription.

I was depressed before I got on adderall, but I think this drug worsened my condition. So here I am, depressed, anorexic, unhealthy, and addicted. And my biggest concern is still my access to adderall.

I'm just so scared because as much as the come down sucks and the side effects of irritability, apathy, emptiness, etc etc suck... when the drug is working, I feel great. I crave the feeling of my hands trembling and my heart racing... I crave the drive to learn and clean and organize that I simply cannot conjure sober.

I know that the best thing for me would be to stop taking the drug altogether. But would it really? My productivity is so high on this drug... Higher than I could ever reach soberly. I don't know... ugh. you guys all know what I'm talking about. Currently coming down by the way.
yurivrbsky yurivrbsky
18-21, F
Dec 6, 2012