Murder

After reading over 20 of the posts on this page, I still never thought I actually post myself...but here I am...I came to this site for a reason right?

I was born with common sense. As a kid I thought I was just weird, but as I grew up I figured it out. When I was 4, I started playing soccer. By the 7th grade, I had been playing in the local (expensive--thanks mom and dad) travel team, and was a valuable player. I had excellent grades. I had tons of groups of friends. I was social, personable, friendly, real, and present. I was becoming the person I wanted to be.

In the 8th grade, I started to look at myself differently (puberty). I felt that after all of my years as a nothing but t-shirt, sweatshirt, and jeans wearing tom boy, that it's time to switch up my style a bit.

It's surprising how much a fitted tee makes a difference to the virgin eye.

I looked good, but too much attention to a shy young girl can be overwhelming. And it was.

All of a sudden I was the topic of the popular kids. It didn't take long before the high schoolers knew my name either, but with my new found confidence, I was not complaining.
That is that last real legit sober memory I have before I met our dear friend Adderall.

So after proving my **** were real to the pretty girls, I was excepted into an entire new clique. One of them gave me and Adderall, and I was hooked. Without noticing, I left my old friends in a cloud of dust for my new found shaded life of euphoria.

Her and I quickly bonded over our love of the drug. I think she had been looking for someone like me all along, just to validate that she wasn't alone. We quickly became that duo that everyone wanted to hang out with. Adderall gave us confidence that no one else had. We stayed in shape. We made good grades. We started trends. We were always on could nine and no one knew why.

It didn't take long for us to realize that her prescription wasn't enough for the two of us, so I got my own. Easily.

Summer rolled around and we had a very strong group of minions. Without the pills, they were our friends, and we were normal humans. But once we felt or were coming down from the high, the girls knew better than to mess with us. They would do pretty much anything we said. This went on for a while, but then we got bored. We were so "mature" and "above" them that we ditched them for the high school girls, who quickly became our new crew.
(No, I'm not proud of this) But it is what it is.

That summer was when Adderall met weed and weed met alcohol. Not for the first time, but this is when they became very very good friends.

Freshmen year was similar to 8th grade. I was just higher in status, and higher on Adderall. I was still making good grades, traveling every weekend for soccer games, and being somewhat of a good person. Girl and I were still very much best friends, and if I didnt have the pills, she would be waiting for me in the commons in the morning with one in her pocket, and I would do the same for her. That is if we hadn't spent the night at eachother's house and come to school together. We got very good at manipulating our parents. We'd make them think we were good kids, and we were just going to study then sleep. Really we would stay up all night, steal their ciggs, pop pills every couple hours, scribble song lyrics on pieces of paper, pretend like we slept, pretend to eat breakfast, shower/get ready, pop more pills, smoke weed, then float to school with an Adderall in our pockets for lunch, saving the money our parents gave us to eat with for the dime bag we had set up to buy after 7th period. Life was good.
But needless to say, I wasn't that lucky forever.

I had always been incredibly close with my mother. She was the team manager of my soccer team, so obviously those girls always loved her. She was always the cool mom (that isn't afraid to discipline, whether you're her kid or not), so obviously my other friends always loved her. She was very much involved at church, and had no trouble balancing our congregation and her mothers. She was extremely active and important in whatever she was associated with. She just always went out of her way for other people. She always wanted everyone to be happy, and she always succeeded. She was a true role model. She was a great wife. She was the perfect mom.

I was a lot like her. I followed her role. Before I became a drug addict.

I know addiction can be hereditary, but I can't and don't blame my problems on that. I made my choices. And I'm living with them.

My true downward spiral started when I stopped going to soccer. It breaks my heart to think about it now. I can imagine how is affected other people now, but I could not even begin to think about it then. My teamates had to watch me just get skinnier and skinnier and less fit to the point where I could not keep up. My mom had to watch me too.... and as a result of me just not caring and wanting to live my Adderall induced lifestyle, she had to resign as team mom, and give the job to someone else's mom. Adderall had consumed my mind so much that I just did not care.
After I stopped soccer, I got more numb every day.
But hey,
"I'd be free on the weekends now" I thought, "more time for partying".
And that is exactly what I did.

Slowly but surely everyone and their cousins were in my basement, every weekend, getting ****** up out of their minds. In high school, my house was pretty much the only place that had a secure area for us to get twisted without sketchy parents intervening. To this day, people come up to me telling me how they tried this or that drug for the first time in my parents basement. Awkward.

My parents trusted me. But thanks to the Adderall, I was able to lie straight to their faces. I was able to steal from them. I was a monster without a conscience. I had no feelings of regret or remorse. But I was popular so it was okay....in my own ****** up mind.

I eventually got so hooked that my favorite effects wore off. I was truly a zombie. I had those strange panic attacks. I had my mom take me to the hospital. I would shake uncontrollably. I would have insane paranoia. I got sick of everyone always being at my house. I remember having tons of people over while having binge related panic attacks, and I'd sneak out of my own party to go lay in the bed with my mom. I would always make an idiotic excuse as to why my heart was beating so fast. She always knew I was lying, but she would always calm down.




I dropped out of high school. Became a heartless selfish *****. Whether I was going up or coming down, Adderall ran my life. I thought about it every minute until I got to exactly where I needed to be. I still think about it.

My mom died when I was 19. I'm 21 now. And I honestly believe that the depression that led to her alcohol abuse that led to her liver disease that led to her death...was because of my drug addiction to Adderall that led to my craziness that led to my rebellion that led to my depression that led to my isolation that led to my disconnection from real life and the realest person in my life.. which was her.
She tried so hard to be there for and help me, I just wasn't there to respond.

If you're addicted, get help. Good luck
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 14, 2013